Tonight, I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of my friends Chris and Melanie, as well as emceeing their wedding reception with my friend Mark. It was a Filipino Catholic wedding, something I don’t have much familiarity with as I’m Chinese and grew up Presbyterian. From what I gathered, all Filipino Catholic weddings require 20 Primary Sponsors, 10 Secondary Sponsors as well as unique members of the wedding party that carry veils, ropes and coins.

I’d make a catty joke here about how the wedding party were planning on killing Professor Plum in the Parlor room after the ceremony, but that would probably be inappropriate. That and, well, I’m already going to hell as is. I’ll leave the light on for ya.

(The scene: Paris and Ernie politely sit in the pews while everyone else is waiting in line to have communion. Paris has a Filipino girlfriend who grew up Catholic.)

Paris: (whispering) I don’t know if I could do this if I get married, dude. Maybe we could split the ceremony in half; have a Catholic wedding for her, and, I don’t know, a Pagan fire ritual for me.
Ernie: Awesome. I could wear a barong for Jen and set it on fire afterwards. “Great reception, Paris, but who are the lesbians making out by the bonfire?”
Paris: “… oh, that’s the minister.”
Ernie: Nice.

The reception went well, I think. When the program got slow, like when people were waiting for a slideshow to be set up, Mark and I would go into a, uhm, spirited rendition of the theme from The Love Boat. It kept people occupied and I thought it went off well, until literally the last minutes of the night saying good-bye to the groom’s mother:

Groom’s mother, a delightful Filipino woman: You two, you sung very well.
Mark and I: Oh, thank you. We were just doing our job.
Groom’s mother: (turning to Ernie) … and people were saying to me, “Oh, it’s William Hung on stage…”
Ernie: …
Groom’s mother: “…but with more weight!”
Ernie: …
Groom’s mother: And I said to them, no no, he sing much better than William Hung. You did very very good!
Ernie: …
Groom’s mother: Okay, good night! (walks away)
Ernie: …
Groom: You alright, bro? You’re lookin a little pale.
Ernie: …