Rachael Ray.

It’s okay, laugh all you want – while it’s easy to make fun of everything about her, from her laugh to the way she says “YUMM-MO” to the way she rolls her eyes back in culinary ecstasy as she eats a Denver Omelet at some diner in Cleveland, she makes a decent meal, I’m just saying. Not to mention that she’s been in FHM magazine. I like this not because she’s in FHM per se, but because she’s batshit crazy, and if you know me, it’s a good thing. (Sorry, Martha.)

The list of television shows that she hosts is impressive, and are as follows:

• 30 Minute Meals: Okay, this is the show that won me over, and actually got me to start cooking at home. I mean sure, I would wince whenever she used the phrase “EVOO” instead of “extra virgin olive oil,” but the recipes didn’t seem too hard, and it was probably a lot better for me than going to Jack In The Box. Three books later and it also got me to entertain for friends more; my friends would come over and ask what smelled so good in the kitchen. To which I would reply, “Oh, I’m making Rachael Ray’s Why-the-Chicken-Crossed-the-Road Santa-Fe-Tastic Torilla Soup.” I would then spend the rest of the night promising myself I would never say the words “Santa-Fe-Tastic” EVER AGAIN.
• $40 A Day: Aaah, a show that plays to my cheap, Asian-American sensibilities. Every episode, Rachael Ray tours a completely mediocre metropolitan area, like Houston or Sacramento or Denver and tries to eat at places that aren’t The Olive Garden or Applebees. The best part of the show, however, are the tips she gives out before each segment starts: “Wanting a cheap adventure? TRY ETHNIC CUISINE!” “FIND COUPONS AND USE THEM!” I mean, Jesus. I can think of better advice than that. “HERE’S A TIP: DON’T! YOU CAN SAVE AT LEAST 17%!” “WHO NEEDS A BEVERAGE? NOT YOU!” “SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT DINING & DASHING?”
• The Rachael Ray Show: Eh. I’m not so much a fan of her syndicated daytime talk show – maybe because her interactions with other people aren’t as comfortable with, say, a garbage bowl. That being said, with her daytime talk show and magazine and her appearances in tabloids, she’s up for a head-to-head battle with Martha Stewart, and I for one wouldn’t mind seeing those two in a cage match, fighting to the death wielding only microplanes.