Dear Fremont, CA:
Though a series of circumstances, most of them directly out of my control, I have been living in your fair city, on and off, for the past two or three years or so. Therefore, I think I have a right to make any judgments and opinions about you. And that assessment is this:
You totally fucking suck.
Too harsh, you say? Perhaps. Your high density of Chinese-Americans attracted my parents to move to your city. And they, in turn, convinced me to purchase a condo here, in part due to cheaper housing in the Bay Area, but mostly due to that little-known-to-white-people thing known as “Asian familial responsibility.” So I’m stuck here, if only temporarily.
Why yes, I HAVE read up on the history of your city; enough to know that it was a small enclave of five former townships, each with a distinct community and personality of its own. Then in 1956, someone had a bright idea to merge these towns into the immense suckitude that is Fremont, California.
You don’t have a downtown so much as a series of attached strip malls. I am walking distance from at least five franchised fast food restaurants, staffed by a plethora of Indian and Taiwanese families, eager to pursue the American dream. Which would be great, if my version of “fine dining” was Quizno’s. When your fair city was planned, was your idea of “night life” for people to drive 20 minutes south to San Jose? And don’t get me started on what it’s like to live as a single gay person living in Fremont. If the only option of gay life here is anonymous sex with strangers in the bushes of Niles Canyon, let’s just say that I have a gut feeling that I will be single for a very long time. A. Very. Long. Time.
Oh yeah, and you being the new home to the Oakland A’s? I live in Fremont, and even I think it’s a bad idea. You know that YouTube video where those guys protest the A’s move by ghostriding their Volvo? The part where they say that Fremont is “a parking lot with a mayor?” Yep. Totally agree.
In conclusion: your city sucks and I want to move somewhere with gay people my age. Hell, I’ll settle for people my age. And a restaurant that isn’t a Carl’s Jr, because I’m SO fucking tired of eating cheeseburgers with onion rings in them. That is all.
- Ernie
PS: Okay, the fact that there is a Fry’s isn’t horrible. But it doesn’t have a cool Egyptian motif like the Fry’s in Campbell. The mere fact that Campbell is infinitely cooler than another city says a LOT.
Hilarious! Give them hell and get your butt out of there, Ernie.
Ernie, are you blaming them because you would rather live near your family than in someplace exciting, like NY? Family can then visit and go home.
Well, how can Fremont compare after you’ve lived in SF? Move back north so that we can plan on hanging out, but not ever get together and instead bump into each other downtown. (BTW, Grandma is super-cute.)
wow, now I want to move to Campbell!
I feel in some ways the same about the Rainier Beach neighborhood of Seattle, where I live. There’s no family keeping me here — instead it’s responsible real estate investment bullshit that ties me to an area most Seattleites have never heard of. Bah. Location, location, location!
I live near Chinatown in Vancouver and love it, and I’d think you would too. Plus you can find a husband hear, all the hot white guys seem to marry Asians.
That shoud read here, not hear.
Fremont was also the name of Mister Wilson’s dog on Dennis the Menace.
At least people aren’t getting carjacked in front of your place. Always look on the bright side. XD
Hey now, those burgers with onion rings are the best sandwiches carl’s jr has damn it!
I lived in Fremont for like a year. Yes, it does indeed suck BUT! They do have a BART station, you’re pretty close to San Jose, Milpitas, Palo Alto (right across the Dumbarton). Needless to say, I didn’t “hang out” in Fremont much if at all.
You were TOTALLY offered a viable option the other night … I think you should take the energy you put into the composition of that delicious review, and transfer it to getting your place arranged for renting [or sale] so you can be free of the many burdens you have illustrated so whimsically.
*sigh*
If you think Campbell is “cool” you may need to get out of there in more of a hurry than I’d initially thought.
urp … WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP FARTING IN THIS CLASS? GOD! I SAT NEXT TO THE GASSY[EST] PEOPLE IN THE ROOM–EFFF!
The little town where I live is being suburbanized. We’ve had a Wal-Mart for years — center of the universe, you know. Now we have a Target! And the strip malls are being built even as I write.
What’s amazing is that suddenly Orlando — which, when I lived there, was just a teeny wanna-be town — is now suddenly an urban center. It’s where we drive when we want to eat in a good restaurant or see a movie in a nice theatre, or do anything cultural.
Scary, I tell you. But it does have a Gay chorus. I’ll be at the concert in two weeks.
Ernie, I can’t help with the gaylessness, but check out these restaurants in Fremont:
Salang Pass, really good Afghan cuisine.
Okay, this restaurant in Fremont. But if you don’t mind going next door to Newark, Vung Tau has really good Vietnamese.
Oh, yeah, also in Newark, although I’ve only been to the downtown Redwood City one, they have La Casita Chilanga for Mexico City style sandwiches. If the Newark location is as good as the RWC location, this is really good.
At least you’re not in Irvine, man. I tell that to myself every time I get on a MUNI bus that smells like pee.
There should be a movie… “Escape from Fremont”
At least you are not bitter
“Escape from Freemont” sounds like a great low budget thriller. Probably from the same people who brought you “Honeymoon in Apopka” — destined to be a midnight horror classic, I tell you!
“Escape from Freemont” – I like that idea… Ernie – just sell your place and move somewhere else.
Well, I live in the city next to you, Milpitas. It stinks! No, literally. It smells like fertilizer in the air.
Break the chain, Ernie. Run! Forget about that filial piety stuff. You know I am Asian since I can actually spell those two stupid words! My parents are in SF, so I can’t move back there. But you can. Go where ever your heart desires.
MOVE BACK TO SF DAMMIT!
Mmmmkay–I love Fremont (& even Milpitas, which smells not 1/23rd as bad as it did when I was a kid) — but of course, I’ve returned here after doing multi-year stretches in Modesto & Liverwurst. Uh, I mean LiverMORE.
It’s all a matter of perspective.
Yeah. FORCED perspective.
Not a post about Fremont, but I was visiting San Francisco this past Thursday (from New York) and swore I saw you going into a BART station on Market St. As I was eating something and my mouth was full, could not yell out. Was that you?
Not all us white people hate our parents. I also think I know what filial piety means. Not all a y’all are as smart as you think……I do agree that Fremont is pretty darn sucky, except for Niles which is certifiably bitchen’ y’all, but that’s because it’s not a crappy subdivision full of foam starter mansions…….
?
Niles is “certifiably bitchen’?
I mean, SURE, if you like antique stores and/or biker bars~
Every once in a while, I start to miss good ol’ Fremont, CA. I’ll have to remember to come back here and read this post every time that happens! You are right on the money, as usual, Ernie.
You all do not have kids who can benefit from the Fremont Unified School District. Where would you send you kid to school in SF that would compare to Fremont?
I used to live in Fremont for a number of years. I went to Jr. High and High School there. I HATE FREMONT WITH A FUCKING VENGEANCE! I currently have a condo in SF, and love the city much, much more.
[...] Alas, this writer hasn’t really spent enough time in Fremont to answer those questions. That said, whenever I think of Fremont, I think of this classic post by Ernie: “an open letter to the city of fremont, ca“. But then again, Ernie is a gay man. You seem to have a different situation. [...]
Burbed, YOU SUCK.
[...] an open letter to the city of fremont, ca | little. yellow. different. (tags: local humor) [...]
I can’t stand Fremont. That place has always weirded me out from the 1st time I ever set foot in there. The only things I like about Fremont are Fry’s, Claim Jumper and one of the best Chinese restauraunts in the world, Wok City Diner. Other than that, I fuckin’ hate it. Its a weird place with no personality, no charm, everything’s disconnected theres no downtown with no nightlife and the people are weird, well most of them.
All in all, a weird city that just sucks.
Everyone Shut the Fuck up!
Fremont is not so bad. At least you have bushes to go fuck around in with like-minded anonymous strangers. Lots of places don’t even have that.
Niles is okay in a rough way. There’s a fishing pond there, too, and more bushes.
Fremont is a gay-friendly town, with a gay support center downtown.
The area around the Mission and Ohlone is rather nice, and you can get a good meal there, too.
The town also has a large central park with a lake, and a very nice sports complex for soccer, baseball and other sports.
Fremont is not San Francisco, and if you like San Francisco then you should plan to live there, but that doesn’t mean you should run down Fremont. It has plenty to recommend it. It’s peaceful, relatively. It’s clean, more or less. It’s got decent schools. It’s got outdoor recreation. It’s got all the services.
It even has theater, live music, poetry, art, and more. It has the secret sidewalk.
You haven’t been in town long enough to make a judgement. You don’t seem to be particularly curious about looking beyond the five fast food joints around you. Are you in the “four corners” area? That area has a long history, and was one of the first places in the east bay with a store. That area is also important in the history of African-Americans in the Bay Area.
You seem to be judgemental. That probably comes with the territory when one blogs, since being non-committal is often less interesting.
Fremont is not the greatest place on earth. I certainly don’t live there. But I am familiar with it from long residence and employment in Alameda County, and Fremont has its goodnesses and relatively few badnesses.