Approximately 28 days ago, I was laid-off from my job. From the tech industry. For the third time. The first two times I got laid off, I would be panicking around this time. Making cold-calls, finding contacts for development work, updating my resume thinking of “action verbs.”
How do I feel right now? Quite the opposite, actually. I’m apathetic. I’m burned out. As of right now, I simply don’t care.
It’s times like this now where I flashback to my family, to the dinner table.
“An,” says my mother in Chinese. “Did you go to coffee today?“
“Go to coffee” is my mother’s euphemism for “wander up and down the streets of Solano Avenue, talking to the homeless.” My sister is thirty-six years old, mentally ill, socially incompetent even with the heavy doses of medication she ingests daily. (Don’t ask what happens when she doesn’t.)
“Yes. I talked with Larry today.” Larry is either a homeless man, the owner of Peet’s Coffee, or her boyfriend. In her mind, a combination of all of the above, most likely.
“You should find a job,” says my father. He doesn’t look up from his bowl of rice.
“Yes,” chirps my mother. She’s frantically running around in the kitchen, washing dishes or adding corn starch to soy sauce to add to chicken or wiping off the tables, anything to avoid a conversation. “You can work at MaiDangLao!” McDonalds, my mother said. We all throw dirty looks at her and she continues washing dishes.
“I’m NEVER going to work there. I wanna be a street person!” She says “I wanna be a street person” the way a five year old boy declares that he wants to be an astronaut, and I look down and I zone out and swallow big gulps of rice because I know exactly what’s going to happen.
“DOGSHIT!” he screams in Chinese. He doesn’t say anymore but you can tell what he wants to say in his eyes; “how dare you, how dare you insult yourself by saying you will be a street person when I have worked my body until it ached, how dare you insult me because I have provided and pushed and prodded and lectured and demanded the good life for my children and this is what I get in return?”
And this is how my flashback ends. I can’t recall what I do from here, whether I run to my room upstairs and slam the door sobbing or where it’s later in life, where I stare at a spot of the table and disassociate myself from the world at a drop of a hat, a talent I can still master to this day. I simply don’t remember. Or don’t want to remember, I don’t know.
What I would assume is that, like always, nothing would happen. Dinner would resume, my father would leave the kitchen, brow furrowed, off to read the China Daily News or watch the McNeil-Lehrer news hour. My mother would pick up the leftover dishes from the kitchen table. And my sister would probably do what she usually would do — fight the invisible fight with her head between sanity and the fascinating conversations she has between Barbara Bush and Princess Di and then admit defeat at the end of the night to the voices in her head, waves of apathy washing over her.
Apathy not quite different from my feelings towards the world right now.
This is one of the best blog post i’ve read this year. It’s true, honest, moving.
Keep your head up.
I think I’d have to agree–excellent, moving post, Ernie.
moving post … moving and disturbing at some level.
but having a break and not worrying about getting another job soon is a _GOOD_ thing; kick back, relax and take a breather ….
and keep the posts coming..
Very touching post dude. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Take some advice from me, relax, enjoy yourself now. Wait till your almost out of unemployment and savings, THEN panic. Thats what Im doing. hehe.
Ernie, I’ve been reading you for so long and have never left a comment.
You sound like you feel alone. But, sometimes it’s ok, as long as you know you are in good company.
(that is in no way a jab about your sister.)
Don’t be so hard on yourself or your family. (I understand – I’m from a Filipio family.) It will get better, soon.
Promise.
Fuck the tech sector Ernie. You are a talented writer and I believe in my heart that this is your true calling. Its what you love to do. You just need to find some way to channel this into something where you make coin. I wish there was *something* ANYTHING I could do to help. Maybe you really should run for governor. Then you could write creative position papers and get some exposure. God knows I’d vote for you.
Hey, i got laid off about 2 months ago, and for some reason i’m really relaxed about it too. And i don’t know why! I should be panicking. Hmm.
Dude… I had no idea at 4:00 am while nestled in my bed, with visions of deadlines and spreadsheets dancing in my head, just down the hall you are pouring your heart out into the vast electronic void. Maybe you should consider writing profesionaly… I’m looking for a story to illustrate… eh… eh… god knows we could both use a career change
Hang in there, Ernie. We’re all rooting for you.
Incredible.
Ernie, why not raise the $3,500, get 65 signatures, and run for Governor? You’ve got at least as much of a shot in the upcoming melee as anyone else.
If nothing else, it would be great press.
Ernie for Governor!
Sod Off, Amy Tan
Ernie’s moving post brings back unpleasant memories of my own childhood. If you’re a Chinese kid of above-average sensitivity, what you learn, above all other things, is how to be apathetic and disassociate yourself from your life. You have to….
vote for ernie!
Ernie: I have to go along with many of the comments. Thanks for sharing such a touching, personal story. You are a good writer and I would jump at the chance to help you in anyway to get published.
Enjoy your “breather,” write offline and seriously think about starting your own business and doing what you like and enjoy to survive this cruel world.
Gov. Erndawg. Kinda nice ring.
great post ernie. your stories are so cathartic for me.. it’s like a freaking support group for 20-30 year old chinese kids. i’m always screaming in my head “omg.. MEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOO!”
i’m rooting for you ernie. you’re gonna find that job you love and it wont be at maidanglao. *sigh*
you’ll get through it man. i remember when i was in your position. i was a wreck. you’re probably taking it a lot better than i did… i define myself by what i do… it’s a horrible thing. i just hope you are not like me in that regard, because it really sucks. i concur with the others… go write for a living… just don’t write so much that you won’t have time for lyd.
You just drew an astonishing portrait with beautiful craftsmanship; whatever the hell you did for the tech sector cant touch what you can do to real people, Ernie.
Don’t you ever forget that.
Chin up. You are a great writer, take your time, it will come to you.
For goodness sake, write a book, Ernie. You need to. You’re so good. I promise I will buy it– no matter who you decide to write for.
travel my man. go to the beach or the mountains or some random third world country. go see something new. it’s the best way to put all this shit back into perspective.
side note, it is amazing just how similar the chinese upbringing is to the italian upbringing.
While I’m not a religious person, I sometimes like to believe that there’ll be an afterlife where we all gain an incredible amount of wisdom, perspective, and empathy. And in this afterlife, we’ll be able to look back on our time on earth from a better perspective.
So Ern, I hope that someone in your family – your parents, your sister, or some random ancestor – will be able to look back from this afterlife and say, “Hey Ernie, even though your family history had a lot of sadness, we’re really glad that you were able to write about your experiences and turn them into something that made many people feel closer to you. That’s a really amazing accomplishment. We’re proud of you…. But we’re still curious as to why didn’t you call your mom on a regular basis.”
Write a book.
Not to stroke your ego anymore, but have you ever considered writing? Wil Wheaton turned (IIRC) a few posts on his blog into a book that is actually selling, and stories like this are similar to what he writes. Ever thought about something like that? Based on this entry you’ve got the talent (or you fake it really well).
Oh, and I know what you mean about being burned out, except I’ve still got a job. Wish I didn’t though, but that whole “need to eat” thing forces me to keep it.
Hey Ernie, I’m just one of the many faceless strangers who read your blog all the time, I just want to encourage you not to give up on yourself.
I believe THE DAY will come for you really soon and please do consider writing pro. Short stories with your signature wicked sense of humour or a novel like this blog post that makes people smile through their tears as they read it.
I’m sorry, but did someone just suggest Wil Wheaton as a role model? Being a writer isn’t a bad idea, but let’s not bring that darn Wil Wheaton into it.
little. yellow. different.
BIG.YELLOW.ARCHES.
you’re right they don’t go together.
write the book man. you’re really good.
luv ya, mean it!
Keep it real, man, great post.
Best of luck with the job search, seems like the write-in campaign for governor is gathering steam…
Since you have a job, maybe you should do personal webdesign. I’d pay you to make me something…. or something.
*HUG* I’m rooting for you too. You seem like a wonderful person from all I know of you from your blog. and if you decide to run for governor, I’ll make sure all my Calif. friends/relations/etc. all vote for you.
hey, i think we were laid off on the same day! it was only my second layoff from the tech sector, but i’m washing my hands of that insanity and staying home indefinitely. got the mom gig going on and loving it. but you…you, mister, should see about getting published in the world of hard copy. you’ve heard this a thousand times, but you really are one helluva writer.
As I read your words it was as if I sat at the same table with you and experienced the same things you described. F the company that fired you indeed. Work the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It will free your flow even further.
I think you should watch Office Space a few times and laugh a little. That’s one of the things I did that helped me when I was layed off from the tech world. Another thing I did was get involved in some volunteer projects, but most importantly, just relax.
Ernie, I will second all those who have recommended you consider writing as a career. (Remember to edit, though, I was thrown off by the “She” in the 7th paragraph when it was your mother talking in the 6th.)
As for the layoff, I got laid off 10 years ago from a job that bored me and freaked. I went back to school and now I do a job I love. And my old career is now disappearing overseas.
Still, at least initially it sux (not in a good way). So glad you are taking it well.
interesting