September 16, 2002

ken :: 11:06 PM Okay, I guess I should post this here? Or maybe on the message board? I don't know.

I feel like the beginning of The Wrath of Khan when the Kobayashi Maru simulation ends and you realize it's just a hologram, except I managed to win. I feel like I just finished Metal Gear for the first time. I mean the original NES one, where you had no idea where to go. And I also have that feeling where you finish a long and really good book, and you just wish it had kept going, so you could see what happened to the characters, except here you can find out what happened to them. Big Blogger was awesome to the max.

Of course, I also feel as though I have been beaten about the pareital and occipital lobes by a copy of Wired wrapped up in a dictionary. And if I hyperlink anything else, I'm going to go mental. So I'm going to take a little break from writing things and typing alligator signs and go to bed. I hope everyone's around tomorrow.

I really wasn't expecting this, this is great.

Oh, and Ashley... *twitch*, that really really fucking sucks. There are services who will protect you from that sort of thing, they will a domain name for you as soon as it becomes available to prevent such thievery from occuring. Or maybe you use them to faciliatate such theivery, probably both.

Someone should do an expose(ay) on that stupid automatic portal generating shit. "Oh, you took away one of the sites I read, how about I click on your Casino ad and give you some money?" As if. Bastards.

ken :: 5:44 PM Ack!!!! I accidentally went back to a window where I was editing my "fucking match" post and replaced with a post that was supposed to go up here. I am retarded. Maybe Ernie can recover it.

I cannot believe I won. I am literally freaking out over here. I feel like one of those peopel who call in to radio stations throw a screaming fit over winning concert tickets, and you're like, "What's the big deal, calm down, you freak." Well, I am now officially FREAKING OUT.

And Rusty and Christine TIED!!!! That is so cool!!!! I don't usually do this, but I think the situation warrants it:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG OMFG!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!111111 AIM is lighting up like a christmas treee I gotta go guys I'm sorry I don't know how it works!!!

Thank you all so much!!!!

rusty :: 5:38 PM Four votes. Well, that blows. Five people out there should be very ashamed of themselves. After all the work I did for you? Pshaw.

rusty :: 5:14 PM Ditto here. You two are both Monsters of Rock, and I hope you're both at SXSW so we can have a BBAS reunion/steel cage rematch. Whoever wins, thank you Ken and Christine, the rest of the contestants, commenters, and Ernie and Belinda for what should go down in history as the Best Webgame Ever.

christine :: 4:57 PM Like Ken, I must say that I have *truly* enjoyed playing this game. Games like this are tough, and if you haven't tried it before you can't appreciate what it's truly like. Ken and Rusty - you guys were both amazing contestants, and in the end not only am I glad I made it to the final 3, I'm glad I made it here with you.

I said it before and I'll say it again. It's not just about the prize or the title - it's about the people you meet and the friends you make. Ok, fine. It's about the prize. But the friends really are an added bonus!

Is it time yet? Is it time? This suspense is killing me!

ken :: 4:46 PM Well, I would have preferred to wait until after the polls closed to say this, but just to alleviate Nara's fear that I don't like you, Rusty, you rock in a hurricane-like manner. You can dish it and you can take it, and you got mad game. Christine, you rock too, but more like a cradle of love. You got crazy game. It's been great fun playing against you both.

In fact, I'll share a humorous AIM conversation with you all, which I had with Ernie last night, which may partly account for his Rusty endorsement.

Suboken: I swear I'm going to kill that Rusty motherfucker
Ern_dawg1976: It's just a game, dude, just a game.
Suboken: Just kidding! You really picked some great contestants, Ernie.
Ern_dawg1976: OMG
Ern_dawg1976: LMAO
Suboken: I can't believe you fell for that.

Now what's up with that poll? I seriously have to go to the bathroom and am not because I can't leave my computer! And HOLY SHIT I JUST GOT AN AIM MESSAGE FORM CHRISTINE AND HOLY SHIT OH MY FUCKING GOD HOLY SHIT!

rusty :: 4:28 PM Enemies? I have enemies? Like Spider Man?

christine :: 4:21 PM Rusty, for your Ernie endorsement, I would like to direct your attention to Choire of East/West. Thank you.

christine :: 3:34 PM You know, Rusty, since Ernie already knew about the game - I don't think that's quite "Game, set, and fucking match." Sorry. How about someone - anyone? - who doesn't know about the game linking to you? Yeah. I think I've got you beat on that one.

Not only that, your enemies are e-mailing us, begging us that they will do whatever it takes to make sure you don't win. Interesting, very interesting.

rusty :: 1:58 PM And if my Old Navy poetry didn't sway your vote, just look what web celeb I got to endorse me. Game, set, and fucking match.

rusty :: 11:57 AM Ken (and anyone else who cares): I run about 20 miles a week, and intermittently do stuff like kayaking and rock climbing. It's lucky this is happening now, actually, as I'm in easily the best shape I've been in since early college, due to starting to run regularly a few months ago. Last winter, I would not have dared subject any of you to my doughy sedentary chest and incipient quarter-life dunlap*. And I'm a genetic amalgm of all the world's most pale and hairless ethnicities, like Irish, English, and northern French (almost Belgian). So I am naturally that pale and hairless.

My old favorite boxers were also Old Navy, with a white and blue gingham-type pattern and covered with tiny yellow daisies. The little flowers always cracked me up. They were just about the least manly thing I could even imagine on boxers. I also have a red pair with an embroidered Pepe LePew peeking out of the fly, and "Lover" printed on the waistband. These always puzzled me, because of the embroidered implication that I have Pepe LePew stuffed in my shorts, which I'm not at all sure what that's meant to suggest. But those crack me up too.

_{* As in "His belly dun lapped over his pants."}

ken :: 11:45 AM Dammit, Dammit! You guys just aren't making this easy for me! I would happily showcase my novelty boxer collection, if I had a digital camera, and I weren't at work. I think my roomate has one, but in all likelihood, I won't be home from work until 10:30 tonight. I don't suppose you'd take a raincheck?

Instead I could simply describe the boxers I am currently wearing. Awwwww yeahhh... Gap Medium (31-33) 100% cotton boxers, printed with (and here's the groovy part)a pattern of green and red Starlight mints. Pretty sweet, eh?

Oh, I get the funny feeling it's not so much about the boxers themselves... Well, I'd like to claim the moral high ground and claim that I simply won't sink to the other contestant's level of showing off their bodies, but if I did I'd be lying. Sadly, I wouldn't be able to get to any place that can facilitate the photography of my hot, young, finely sculpted bod until after the polls had closed, so it woudln't make a difference. If there is a clamor (that being let's say... 4 more requests) for such a thing to occur on the MB, I'll do it anyhow, win or lose. I'll make sure my face is evident, so that no doubts shall be cast upon its authenticity. Excuse me while I cruise gay porn sites and boot up Photoshop.

I would point out to Halcyon that "dork" (as in 1moredork) is slang for a penis, also the name for a whale's penis (scroll down, it's in there, or read the whole thing, I did.), and thus is like saying "a huge cock", but I guess I don't actually have "dork" in my URL. Soooo... drat. Does a "probably love" count for like, 1/4 of an endorsement?

But I've got a shout from Eve! That means a lot to me, even if Misty hasn't heard of inpassing.org. It's the perfect sourse for any armchair ecouteur (like a voyeur, but with the ears.) A daily ritual for one such as myself.

Plus, I've got the endorsement of the last two people voted off, who are web celebs to a degree themselves. Do any other former contestants wish to come forward and say who they think will win? Does our host?

Dang Rusty, you're pretty hot. Do you work out at all? Did you shave yourself, or do you just come that smooth naturally? Rowr.

christine :: 10:51 AM Misty asked for celebrity endorsement, "Web celebrity endorsement! You know. Zeldman, Halcyon, Haughey, SOMEONE" - and who came through? YES... I came through. Halcyon Styn endorses the Big Pink Cookie, and you should too.

I'm so giddy I can't even type. My blogwhoring knows no shame.

rusty :: 10:16 AM Ok, Misty says I can clinch her vote right now. You better mean that, honey. Click below to be clinched.

rusty :: 9:32 AM Ah, sweet linkage...

Have you ever wished you could put winamp on "sort of random" mode? Like, where it would play your favorite songs more often and less-favored songs occasionally to spice things up? Well RoboDJ does just that. I wish he'd hurry up with the XMMS version, as that bastard always seems to go straight for the bad techno like a rocket-powered shark in a lake full of baby oil.

K5 is assigned reading. I fear for the future of education.

Also on K5: Boys, have you ever felt like a stranger's unwanted or unexpected touch has caused your penis to shrink or disappear entirely? Well you are not alone.

And does anyone else hear Kyle's Mom's voice in their head when they read Christine's posts? Or is this a totally personal problem that I shouldn't really talk about?

Your mission for the day is to not think about a rocket-powered shark in a lake full of baby oil. In conclusion, please vote for me.

ken :: 12:30 AM Okay, this probably won't help at all, but I said I'd do it. I spoke to Benjy earlier this evening and he suggested that I should just sing in a sexy whisper to avoid waking my roomies. I cannot envision the Fraggle Rock song performed in a sexy whisper. Plus, if I used my sexy whisper style, all the votes would just pile up in my favor. I want to at least leave my opponents a fighting chance. Thus, I chose a different tune from your list, Misty, sung it in a quiet tone-deaf leopard style and put my own shamelessly self-promoting spin on it. Due to time constraints it is acapella and improvised. Also the plosives are a little hot because I don't have a windguard... well... enough caveats. Just don't say I didn't warn you:

MP3

I'm glad to see that Ashley is still alive and at least marginally well. I was a little worried about the synchronicity of your getting your driving permit and drinking permit at the same time. Thanks! I hope I win, too!

C'mon Rusty, I know you must have some sort of response for me.

Man, am I ever gonna go to bed.

September 15, 2002

christine :: 11:57 PM Well, I didn't mean that they were the most naughty photos on the internet. I've just learned, over time, that most people want some sort of warning before they open photos like that at work. I know I do. So - I warn. For people like you that work at home, no - it's not an issue. For someone that is in a more corporate environment, or is worried about the man keepin' him down, I flag the links.

Did you forget about that bit of reality that those of us that don't have the luxury of working at home have to deal with?

As for the sexual favors, maybe you haven't read his site, but ... uhm, Ed K. is gay. So I don't think I'll be offering him sex any time soon. "The agony of dating men." It is a pain that both Ed & I have felt. Oh, wait. Crap. I did offer the strap-on in exchange for some quality snuggle time. And we get to watch Moulin Rouge. However, maybe if you share those full-frontal nudity shots, you could sway him to be in your camp after all? Well, maybe not. You have said that gay men seem to have issues with you. Ken might be able to though. Ken needs more pimping out there in the blog world. Maybe he'll share his photos after all.

rusty :: 11:37 PM "Work safe?" "The Vatican?" Never mind.

The other thing about inside jokes is that it always ends up sounding like you're offering sex for votes. Oh crap, no, that was the other thing about being on the AVN Awards judging panel. (Note: Link is absolutely work safe. Email it to your kids. Post it on the office fridge. You couldn't get a chubby looking at this site with three dozen oysters and a case of Viagra.)

Now I've totally forgotten what the other thing about inside jokes was.

christine :: 11:28 PM The Vatican? Huh? I guess I need to get that reading comprehension book back out, I have no clue what that was supposed to mean.

As for the hotel room, it was an inside joke. Long story, but I told him weeks ago that he had better do whatever it took to be at SXSW, and if he needed a place to stay he could share the room. I had fiasco after fiasco with the hotel room situation last year - I would much rather split the cost with people that won't cancel 2 days before we arrive in Austin. There is, of course, much more to this story. The agony of dating men. Sob stories. Oh, so much more. But inside jokes - as we all know - are too hard to explain if you're not there.

ken :: 11:27 PM You bet your sweet bippie I'm going to make a big deal out of it! That's $150! It might end up being more! You know what I could buy for $150? That's like... 3 whole new PlayStation 2 games (Big Blogger All-Star is brought to you by Sony. Sony: Live in your world, play in ours.) Or a buttload of books! Or 10 used CDs! The good feeling of giving to a good cause is fine and all, but I could have some serious fun with that money. If I'm giving it away, then I'm sure gonna milk it for all it's worth. I don't have a big readerbase to mobilize, dude. I have to try and win the votes of the audience already here. So it may help me to do this to win. I would offer to give my consolation prize littleyellowdifferent.com mug (And a copy of the BBAS home game! Weeks of family fun!) away to charity, but I'll be damned if I'm giving one of those beauties away.

So, of course I'm doing it to win. If I don't win, I don't get the money. If I don't get the money, I can't give it away. I think maybe the audience would feel good knowing that, in a way, they'll be partially responsible for the contribution of the money to some worthy cause? Making them feel good would make me feel good. And really, I'm only concerned in the end with how I feel. But I guess some people might not like the charity the majority chooses, I'm sure there must be a couple pro-breast cancer zealots, or child-abuse supporters....

Hello? Earth to Rusty: "The money is there for the winner to use." Therefore I can give it to whomever I please. Should I win, I will please to give it to whom the majority of the voting audience chooses. If you wouldn't like that, I wouldn't care. It'll be my money. Besides, I'm sure we can pick something that nobody finds terrible. Unless we've got a huge percentage of Klan members, or Execution Lottery advocates.

You are aware of the rules, namely that there aren't any against it. Like I said, if it's not against the rules, it's a part of the game. You picked blogwhoring. I picked giving it to charity. All's fair in love and war, no? Sour grapes, maybe? Wish you'd thought of it first? C'mon Rusty... jump on over to the charity bandwagon. Other people're doin' it... I know you wanna... I just thought maybe, just maybe, I could give you the chance, to see how it feels to give to the needy and hope the warmth of charity could heal your poor shriveled heart.

And I'll tell you what, edxxk, since you coughed up the cash, if you want, I'll let you have it back if I win, just in case it wasn't the outcome you were hoping for when you gave to the "**SAVE CHRISTINE**" pledge, then you can dispense with it as you choose, you could pay for part of Christine's son's PS2, you could give it to me if you really feel that the winner should have it, I'd promise to spend it on myself. You could even pay Rusty for that fantastic quote, although frankly, if that was the funniest thing you've read all week, you should really read more often.

Ah ah ah, Christine, you offered the split-three-ways deal to Rusty, then told me about it later. You should've tried me, I might've gone for it.

You know, you have a completely different definition of work-safe than I do. But I will admit that is some uh... pretty big cleavage. Maybe you didn't understand Misty's request for full frontal, but, for her sake, feel free to try again. Sighh... I was hoping it really wouldn't go this far, but I guess I'm going to have to scan my nuts if I want to keep up.

I'd gladly convince someone or other to take a similar digital picture of myself and match that (be careful what you wish for), as it were, but I sincerely doubt that would gain me any votes... oohhh! There I go with the self-deprecation again, I just can't let go of that tired gag. (Meta self-deprecation? I'm on to something! The science of comedics will be turned upon its head!)

Misty, again, be acareful what you wish for. Considering I generally get home from work when my roomates are going to bed, it might be a little while, but regardless of whether I win or not, one of the songs you mentioned will be performed by myself and recorded. Yes, it will certainly suck, but I'll do it.

P.S. Rusty, That does sound like a pretty kick-ass sleeping bag. (Big Blogger All-Star is also made possible by a grant from The North Face corporation.)

rusty :: 11:08 PM Christine: Where the hell do you work, the Vatican? And "share my hotel room with you"? I didn't think any of us wanted to win that bad. Does he get "around the world" for his vote, or just the regular?