I didn’t do anything for Chinese New Year. Actually, let me backtrack – my actual Chinese New Years was spent working a thirteen-hour day. That’s the equivalent of a devout Catholic family reading a weblog post that reads, “my Easter Sunday was spent doing heroin and fucking dead puppies.”
The only remnant of doing anything Chinese New Years related was tonight: hanging out at home with the roommate, watching a TiVo’ed special Chinese New Years episode of Evening Magazine.
What can I say? I don’t have cable.
Young Peppy Asian-American Female Reporter: We’re here with an old Asian woman to explain to us Chinese New Years traditions that you might not know! Is it true that “Gung Hay Fat Choy” doesn’t mean “Happy Chinese New Year?”
Older Asian Women: No. It means…
Roommate: “…Go fuck yourself, white devil.”
OAW: “…Prosperity and fortune will come to you.”
Ernie: Mmmm. Close, man.(The next scene: Young Asian Reporter is sitting at a kitchen table with the elderly woman full of food. There are two white women there for no particular reason. I presume they are a lesbian couple.)
Ernie: The hell are those women doing there?
Lesbian couple: *growling at Ernie through the television* We embrace diversity.
Ernie: … oh.YPA-AFR: What other traditions do Asian Americans follow?
OAW: Every Chinese family has a round box. This box contains such lucky items like lotus root and red lotus seeds!
Ernie: What the hell is she talking about? We never had a round box like that. All we ever did was sit in a crowded Chinese restaurant and yell at each other.
OAW: …it is said that these customs bring harmony to a family and bring many future offspring.
Lesbian #1: Ohmygosh, I’ve missed my period! Honey, we’re gonna have a baby!
Lesbian #2: What do ya know? That Chinese stuff works after all!Roomate: Well, there ya go. You can blame that round box for all your family problems.
Ernie: And the lesbian couple is more Chinese than I am. Great.
Okay, I’m slightly exaggerating about the whole lesbians/baby/talking through the television thing. But you get my point.
Hi Ernie, This post made me laugh so much. At last, something to peg the blame on! Damn the round box. Happy New Year!
OmiGod. Was reminded of my own family tradition-thingie. Gah!!!!!!!
Hah!
Methinks you need to get that box!
Wait…you have no cable, but you have Tivo? So you basically record nothing but broadcast TV?
That made me whimper a little bit.
round box? That’s it? That’s the reason my family is screwy??? damnnnn
i always thought fucking dead puppies was an easter tradition? dammit, there goes my easter!
hmmm… i’m asian AND catholic….
we put our heroin IN the round box…
then we bury it in the yard for the kiddies to find….
While my grandmother lived with us we had a heart shaped bucket in the living room. That’s kind of the same thing.
Except she peed it in it.
Um. nevermind.
Topanga, dead puppies is Chinese New Year.. dead BUNNIES is easter.
The old asian lady was full of food? Like a pinata? What kind of crazy new year tradition is that? Why do you want to hit old ladies with a bat?
A restaurant, yelling at each other–wow. So many things are culturally universal.
My family has a coffin box, big enough to hide the bodies of all the annoying relatives we bump off at Thanksgiving and Christmas. It does keep the family harmonious…
I must say that Ernie and the roommate can turn almost any ho-hum TV show into something incredibly funny.
You do know that now that whatver demented thing im getting your for your birthday is gonna come in a round box.
What the hell?? I never had a round box!! What kinda old asian woman was this?!?!
ya’ll are hilarious… made my day reading your entry and all the comments.
“That’s the equivalent of a devout Catholic family reading a weblog post that reads, ‘my Easter Sunday was spent doing heroin and fuckingeatting dead puppies.’”
Stop mocking me, biotch.
So yelling is part of the tradition — I spent Chinese New Year yelling at Mona because she made me drive out to pick her up in the SF traffic apocalypse that is the Chinese New Years parade, damn that was a good time, best hour of my life ever!
ya know, after all the crap catholics have been through lately, puppy fucking would be a welcome easter tradition.
So what’s gonna go on for the Mooncake Festival? how about Lotus-Seed-Paste-flavored lube?
I’m sorry, Ernie.
Someday you’ll have cable. Or maybe a dish!
If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.