blaming the box
I didn’t do anything for Chinese New Year. Actually, let me backtrack - my actual Chinese New Years was spent working a thirteen-hour day. That’s the equivalent of a devout Catholic family reading a weblog post that reads, “my Easter Sunday was spent doing heroin and fucking dead puppies.”
The only remnant of doing anything Chinese New Years related was tonight: hanging out at home with the roommate, watching a TiVo’ed special Chinese New Years episode of Evening Magazine.
What can I say? I don’t have cable.
Young Peppy Asian-American Female Reporter: We’re here with an old Asian woman to explain to us Chinese New Years traditions that you might not know! Is it true that “Gung Hay Fat Choy” doesn’t mean “Happy Chinese New Year?”
Older Asian Women: No. It means…
Roommate: “…Go fuck yourself, white devil.”
OAW: “…Prosperity and fortune will come to you.”
Ernie: Mmmm. Close, man.(The next scene: Young Asian Reporter is sitting at a kitchen table with the elderly woman full of food. There are two white women there for no particular reason. I presume they are a lesbian couple.)
Ernie: The hell are those women doing there?
Lesbian couple: *growling at Ernie through the television* We embrace diversity.
Ernie: … oh.YPA-AFR: What other traditions do Asian Americans follow?
OAW: Every Chinese family has a round box. This box contains such lucky items like lotus root and red lotus seeds!
Ernie: What the hell is she talking about? We never had a round box like that. All we ever did was sit in a crowded Chinese restaurant and yell at each other.
OAW: …it is said that these customs bring harmony to a family and bring many future offspring.
Lesbian #1: Ohmygosh, I’ve missed my period! Honey, we’re gonna have a baby!
Lesbian #2: What do ya know? That Chinese stuff works after all!Roomate: Well, there ya go. You can blame that round box for all your family problems.
Ernie: And the lesbian couple is more Chinese than I am. Great.
Okay, I’m slightly exaggerating about the whole lesbians/baby/talking through the television thing. But you get my point.
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