This took top billing on the 11 o’clock news tonight, probably because it’s a slow news day and we don’t have any humpback whales slowly dying in our rivers this week.

I did get a chance to watch the live coverage on ABC, though – they had ESPN Commentators and those special segments that they do with Olympic Athletes – except replacing “athletes” with “11 year old geeky boys with glasses and braces.” One segment in particular focused on blond hair, blue-eyed, Tia Thomas – the all-American girl with pigtails and is athletic, unlike all the other home-schoolers and Chinese and Indian overachievers. Shots of her playing the flute and skiing and discussing Parkinson’s Disease over dinner. The producers had a plan for her, man. Pretty and smart, she was going to be America’s next sweetheart. Maybe even a walk-on role in a movie.

Then she spelled “zacate” wrong. Oops, her bad.

I would have live-blogged this – I mean, it’s two hours of live spelling, and thus, instant blogging zaniness, but for the most part, watching the majority of spelling bee consisted of the following: Some random Asian kid is given the task to spell “bouleuterion.” Kid writes with his finger on the back of the piece of cardboard with his name on it, while an ESPN commentator reminds us that he’s not REALLY writing the word out, it’s just his finger. After we watch him do this for two minutes, the bell rings, meaning that he’s spelled the word wrong, and defeated, he walks to his parents and sits with them, on stage. Neither of them console their child or look supportive.

“Holy crap,” I think to myself. “That kid is going to get the beat down when he gets home.”

I’m not sure how I feel about this; I see Middle America being all “WTF” and clicking on the link out of curiosity, and then surprise! They just gamed the system. And people using social media sites aren’t necessarily the prime users of The Amazing Race. This could backfire, pretty badly.

That being said, I’ll totally watch this just to see the midget bicker with the two beauty queens somewhere in Antarctica.

Zora, the girl that Evan picked: So, you just told me that you’re a construction working who gets paid $20,000 a year instead of a multi-millionaire.
Evan: GAAARRRRGH! (drags his knuckles on the ground)
Zora: Uhmm… that’s cool, I guess. (eyes the TV camera nervously) Yeah. Yeah, it’s cool.
Evan: ME FOUND TRUE LOVE! GARRRGH!

This is the part where Paul, the delightful British stereotype butler of Evan, walks up to the couple with a covered silver platter. “Please let there be a rabbit under there,” says my roommate.

Paul: For choosing true love over money, I shall make you both millionaires. I present you a check for one million dollars. (opens his talking umbrella and flies away†)
Evan: GARRRRGH! ME LIKE MONEY!
Zora: (weeping into the camera) I am living my fairy tale. I really, really am.

Me personally, I’m waiting for Married By America.

† To my shock and horror, I learned via the comments that Paul the butler is Australian, not British. Therefore, please replace the phrase “opens his talking umbrella and flies away” with “finds a giant crocodile in the swamp and wrestles it to the ground.” Thank you.