For the past couple of months or so, my mom has been nagging me to buy her a computer – when my parents split, my dad moved out of the house and got a new laptop and DSL service, leaving my mother with a old computer running Windows 2000, a hand-me-down keyboard and one of those fucked up boxy CRT monitors that you only see when television news crews do stories on public libraries and elementary schools. (Well, actually, my dad got a new laptop and new DSL service and bought a new condo and a new SUV. But that’s not the focus of this blog post.)
Mom: I want a new computer. With a big monitor. BIG MONITOR.
Ernie: What are you going to use the computer for, mom?
Mom: I want to check my e-mail.
I know full well that buying a new computer and Internet service for my mother is a lose-lose situation: if my mother doesn’t use the computer at all, I essentially have bought her a very expensive paperweight. But if my mother learns to use the Internet too well, my mother suddenly has access to everything I’ve ever published over the World Wide Web. EVERYTHING. Thankfully, “the future” has let us down on many things – Chinese-to-English machine translation being one of them – so I push on with my plan to purchase my mother an early Christmas present: an iMac.
A $1,600 dollar, 20-inch iMac.
The iMac isn’t so much a computer as it is a big shiny white version of modern technology; a computer that was so different from the previous six year old desktop computer that it would be a symbol that her technically adept son does care about her, even through consumerist means. And it has a big monitor. I could just walk into the Apple store, buy a computer, set it up for her with a dial-up service, and that would be that, right?
Wrong.
1) Buying the computer is easy enough. The nice geek in the Apple shirt swipes your credit card, goes to the stock room and hands you a thirty pound box. You then carry the thirty pound box half a mile to the parking garage, then an additional mile to the other parking garage when you realize that your mother has guided you to the wrong parking garage. (OPEN NOTE TO VALLEY FAIR MALL, SAN JOSE CA: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TWO MACY’S ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE MALL? SERIOUSLY, FIND YOUR MALL DESIGNER AND SHAKE HIM FOR ME. <3, ERNIE)
2) Purchasing dial-up Internet service is surprisingly difficult nowadays, especially when you're sitting in a house that doesn't have Internet service, and your mom is looking over your shoulder baffled as to why she can't get her e-mail, while the giant-monitor computer is plainly in front of her. Gone are the days of AOL CDs, and the one time I wanted a desktop icon to install dial-up Internet service for my mom, there was none. I end up being up-sold at a local Best Buy and end up buying a DSL Modem for my mother. DSL service, which takes up to four days for the telephone company to install. Which means I have to come back to my mother's house again in a week.
3) Once the DSL finally works, I sit my mother down, set the mouse pointer and font sizes annoyingly large, and load up Safari. My mother is finally ready to drive on the Information Superhighway, and god knows that she's going to be a crazy old Asian lady about it and drive hella slow and piss everyone off.
Ernie: And here you go. Look, it even has Yahoo! Taiwan on the front page! You don’t even have to type anything.
Mom: I don’t want Yahoo!. I want the one with the butterflies.
“The one with the butterflies,” of course, is MSN.com, the service she had when my parents were on dial-up.
Ernie: But Mom, I work for Yahoo!. You know that, right? That I work for Yahoo!? See that link to your left? Mom, I WORKED ON THAT.
Mom: Yes, I know. But the butterflies, they are so colorful!
Ernie: The site is in English. MSN Taiwan doesn’t even look right on Safari with big fonts. Are you going to be using the page at all?
Mom: Change it to the butterflies!
Ernie: …Ernie: Okay, we’re ready to set up your e-mail. What’s your e-mail address?
Mom: … I don’t have an e-mail address.
Ernie: I thought you were going to use this to “check your e-mail.”
Mom: Eventually. How would I be able to write e-mails anyway? You don’t know how to write in Chinese.
Ernie: I’m going out for a cigarette.
Mom: I thought you quit smo-
Ernie: I’M GOING OUT FOR A CIGARETTE.
So yeah. With my hard-earned time and money, I just invested in a very nice computer for my mother. That she’ll probably won’t use. On the flip side, she probably doesn’t know that I’m writing about her on the Internet. I’m making a long bet that she won’t know how to type my full English name into a search engine. If there’s a God in Heaven, He’ll keep her from typing my name in a search engine.
What are you going to do when she accidentally finds manhunt?
You are a good son, and you will be rewarded in heaven. Or you have good karma. Or whatever thing you believe in.
I feel the love.
This is the most endearing holiday story I have seen this year.
Maybe I will give my mother computer lessons for the third time. Or maybe not.
I went through something similar with my dad this Christmas — he asked for an iPod, so I got him one.
But once we sat down to set it up for him, he totally resisted and got all freaked out about file management (where do I put the mp3s? when should I delete them? how do I sort them? how do I know what I have?) and freaked out that there was no manual to read. He was all stressed about it and we got into this dynamic where it was like I was trying to sell him on the idea that it was going to be cool and fun. At a certain point I was like “Did you not ASK for this? You asked me to get you this!”
I kept trying to tell him “Dad, this is meant to be a TOY. It should feel FUN. Stop worrying about how you’re going to ‘manage’ it.”
Then I began to have what we will now call “the paperweight realization.” OMG, my dad thought he wanted this, but now it’s freaking him out.
My solution? I told him that if he didn’t use it at least once a month between now and next Christmas, that he had to give it back. Because I am a gift nazi like that.
Ha. Fooled you. I’ve been able to speak perfect english this whole time. Did you think I couldn’t understand every word you muttered under your breath between every exchange we had? Did you really imagine I wasn’t rushing to LYD.com on my N95 after every holiday to read up on you, my little asian david sedaris?
As for the wrong parking lot, I was HOPING we would run into a nice femme security guard you would instantly fall in love with and renounce your supergay ways. You could move next door to me and make me lots of grandchildren with nimble little fingers so we could start a jazz band/candy factory.
Honestly, Ernie, mother knows EVERYTHING… except … what is “ponyplay?” Because I did find manhunt but several acronyms and this “ponyplay” thing are just not translating properly.
Anyhoo, got to run, my online mahjong tournament is starting in a few, and I need to finish getting Picassa and Google calendar set up.
Xoxo,
Mom
p.s.: quit smoking and find a girlfriend
My mom turns 60 in a week or so, and all four of us kids have agreed to buy her a digital camera and photo printer.
I will now send this post to all my siblings.
“If there’s a God in Heaven, He’ll keep her from typing my name in a search engine.”
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=ah-nee
“Ah-nee! How spell you name in Engrish?”
“Cracker” Eric in Seattle
If and when your mom does set up her email and figures out how to use it, it might be prudent to give her an email address you rarely, if ever, check.
Pls add colorful butterflies to Yahoo immediately. Thx.
I shouldn’t laugh but dammit, that’s why I’ve been reading your blog since 2000-ish. Just give her a hug and a gentle pat on the head and it’ll be alright.
VERY FUNNY, WHOEVER WROTE THE MOM COMMENT.
Funny posting. Sounds like my mom trying to use the computer and surf the web sometimes.
The “Fake Ernie’s Mom” posting was hilarious.
I’m agreeing with Phil, better hope “MostRespectfulChineseSon@yahoo.com” isn’t taken otherwise it’s nothing but forwards of puppies and kittens in your inbox once she figures the whole email thing out!
Also, I’m pretty sure I work about a block away from where you work.
At least my mom’s happy with WebTV (yes, there are a few users of that out there, and it’s good enough for checking e-mail even if a designer would slit their wrists if they saw what it does to their page design).
And why don’t web designers learn to design sites that work in font sizes other than those annoyingly small fonts?
Actually, LYD works just fine in annoyingly large fonts.
so it seems like you gave up on oksnizzatch. yeah, i said it. wrote it. whatever. clearly, you’re the smarter of us. so i figured the next best way to unobtrusively re-insert (yes, i laughed. you laugh too. please?) myself into your life? comment on your blog!
actually, though my mother is wonderfully understanding of the concept of privacy, she also fell prey to a virulent e-bay addiction. if your mom also loves bargains and winning (insert mildly racist joke here), then make up some ridiculous story about how you got what your wearing (for cheaps!) on this magical electronic auction site. you might luck out.
at any rate, i’ve never once worried about my mother writing my blog. which is really only evidence of my stupidity. but for reals, i want the little old chinese lady and the little old jewish lady to get in bidding wars.
make this happen.
that is all.
Asian mommies are funny! Thank God I have one too!
You will rue the day your Mom actually figures out how to use email and then goes on to forward you every chain email she receives…
@Ernie’s mom: Brilliant!
My parents still haven’t figured out how to use email although I tried to set them up with one @yahoo.com.tw or whatever, but I’m pretty sure no one remembers the address now.
Anyhows, in case you’re a little masochistic and thinking about trying some more, my parents like tw.yahoo.com and taiwanyes.com. I’ve also looked at sina.com. They watch news/talk show broadcasts (I think) all the time, and I only ever hear from them if quicktime, flash, or windows media isn’t working. I’m wondering if I should introduce them to podcasts, but I can’t read these pages and I don’t know how to look for Chinese or Taiwanese language podcasts if they even exist. And Skype, my dad Skypes with his brother in Taiwan sometimes. And I yahoo messenger with my parents too. The Doodle IMvironment is a total lifesaver — I write a Chinese/zuying/English/pictures mix at them, they write back in a similar mixture for me. It’s only good for simple stuff that you don’t need to be quick, guess you can imagine it. :p
Also, free cell and other solitaire type things, they like it.
Sometimes I think the only thing keeping Asian Americans from snapping and samurai-ing people in shopping malls is the realization that every other Asian American is going through the same. damn. thing. with families + technology.
(Just set up an iMac with dial-up for my aunt.)
Giving your elder’s access to the net is always dangerous.
My grandmother had a very hard time with email at first. Then she discovered iChat did audio and video…
The year after all her kids and grandkids got webcams for xmas…
Your mum’s hilarious. This reminds me of my parents too.
I had to teach my mom how to fill up her iPod…she has a better computer than me and she didn’t know how to use the CD drive. (deep breath)
Even your mom has confirmed for me that working at Microsoft is both cool and not cool at the same time.
Love your blog.
My mother used to be a Luddite. Then one morning she woke up, got to a local university, and got into computer classes for 6 months.
Does your mother have email yet?
I meant to comment on this long ago.
Sorry that your mom is driving you nuts, but that is part of a mom’s job. With that said, at least you’re amusing so many of us with your wonderful writing. But you knew that, right?
You’re a good son. A good son whose patience will surely be rewarded at some point.
the butterflies… that is too funny.
You’re lucky! My mom figured out the Internet and found my weblog too.
Love your blog! I’ve been reading you for a long time and I just wanted to say “hi”. You’ve got a great humorous writing style (and I think you’re cute, too!!). Anyway, hope all is well with you; I’ve heard about the impending Yahoo! job cuts and truly hope this doesn’t affect you.
About 2 years ago my mom decided to Google my name and immediately found my blog. That day I day I had posted a musing on which gay sex acts could or could not be improved by adding additional people.
First line: “Fisting….is a two man sport, really.”
True. Story.
..cute
We mothers are all alike in many ways. I’ve been thinking my next computer will be a Mac. I’m scared to tell my daughter. She knows I hate to learn new things.
What are you going to do if you’re bought by M$? Well at least you can keep the butterflies and tell her you work for them now. =P
[...] Ernie: Hello? Ernie’s Mom: SEE!? I TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE STICKED TO THE BUTTERFLIES! [...]