Christmas w/ Mom, Part 2
Exactly four things are open on Christmas day: gas stations, movie theaters, porn stores and Chinese shopping centers. And seeing as my mom can’t understand movies in English and has a full-tank of gas in her car, it left us with only one option: porn! Just kidding, we went to Marina Foods, an Asian supermarket. Think Ranch 99, but less sanitary. (As always, italics means dialogue spoken in Mandarin.)
Mom: Look at this store! They even have a deli section. You know, you could always bring some of this stuff home and heat this up instead of eating out or making that American food.
Ernie: Yeah, I know. It’s just that OH MY GOD
Suddenly, one of the deli servers has propped the door open, revealing a full view of the kitchen and food prep area. And to my horror, I notice maybe five or six chefs smoking cigarettes at once. WHILE THEY’RE COOKING! I swear to God, one man had a cigarette sitting in his mouth like Humphrey Bogart, stir-frying vegetables in a giant wok. I half expected to see the Latino dish-boys walking around with giant Cuban cigars, but that would, of course, be inappropriate and stereotypical.
Ernie: Ma… they can’t do that, can they?!
Mom: What’s the big deal? So they’re smoking. You see that in China all the time.
Ernie: Well, if I was some governmental agency I’d be filing some complaint right now. What if they ash in the food? [note: You will notice that “governmental agency” is not in italics. This, my friend, is Chinglish at work.]
Mom: Hmmph! You smoke now, too. Don’t you do this in your apartment when you’re cooking your AMERICAN FOOD?
Ernie: Of course not! You don’t actually think I would do that, do you?
Mom: … oh look. Taro root is on sale.
I can’t imagine my mom imagining me cook “American food.” She probably has this image of me ashing this giant cigar into a pot of macaroni and cheese. Oh, and a milkshake. I think that scares her more than the smoking Chinese chefs in the back.
1 Comment