little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

ernie sells his soul, part 2: the realtor

My father recently retired this month. And when you’re retired and your son is going to buy property and he’s too busy to handle the paperwork and you’re looking for something to do, well, you handle the paperwork instead.

For this reason, my loan broker and real estate agent are Taiwanese. The realtor reminds me of Annette Benning’s character in American Beauty, except for the fact that she only converses to her clients in Chinese. While it’s not a big deal for her - 40% of Fremont is Asian - it sucks for me, having to figure out counter-offers, termite inspections and faxing instructions in a language I’m not 100% comfortable with.

The culture also makes for some interesting house tours. Especially with the parents. (Italics = Mandarin.)

Realtor: Ernie, Does this condo fit within your price range? How large is your salary, anyway?
Ernie: (Ernie tells realtor his salary)
Realtor: WHAA!? That much money? You could buy the whole chain of condominiums! Ha ha ha!
Mom: Oh, I wouldn’t bet on it. Ernie is so careless with money.
Dad: He is very careless with money. When he was in college, his credit rating was horrible.
Realtor: Oh? Please, tell me more.
Ernie: (buries head in hands)
Mom: One time, when he was living in Cupertino, his roommate asked for rent money, and he actually GAVE HER the money! Who would ever do something like that? A person lending that much money, it’s unbelievable.
Ernie: Mom, that was years ago. We don’t need to talk about this now.
Realtor: And did she pay back the money?
Mom: Of course she didn’t! She’s Mexican, she moved out a day earlier than she said she would.
Ernie: (spits out water) MA!
Mom: What, she wasn’t Mexican?
Ernie: Being Mexican has nothing to do with it.
Mom: (To realtor) See what I mean? He’s too trusting. It’s a good thing we’re here, otherwise you’d sell him an elephant for an extra quarter million dollars and he’d buy that, too.

You know what? I’m kinda relieved, parents are about the same, if Asian, US or German. My Mom could be a “dialogue twin” from yours, separated right after birth.

Going house shopping with your mom are you nuts? Next thing you are going to let her plan your wedding to that hunky man of yours.

Buy the elephant! Buy the elephant!

Hee hee…you’re buying a house from Cookie Kwan!

doesn’t matter what race your ex-roommate was or what language that dialogue was in… a mom’s a mom, man.

you can replace the language in italics with tagalog, japanese, korean, german, french, italian, spanish or whatever… then replace “mexican” with filipino, chinese, japanese, korean, german, french, italian or whatever…

moms are funny that way.

it’s better to have an embarassing mom than an annoying one.

tell us again why you need to live this close to your parentS? are you sure you want this? perhaps it’s better to, ohhhh, i don’t know, live in a cardboard box on the side of the freeway? just checking.

My favorite line was the realtor saying: “Oh? Please, tell me more.” Gotta love that respect for privacy!

Anyway, congrats on the condo purchase, Ern. Sounds like you’re rolling in dough now with that WHAA!? inducing salary of yours. Speaking of which, you know, I’m a little short on my maintenance payment this month…

Wow…I know how parents can fuck shit up, very much so.

But on a completely unrelated note, happy National Coming Out Day, Ernie! I’m “curious” but not bi…yet…but it’s not like I had anyone to tell that didn’t know about me struggling to decide “which team to play for.”

Wow. How large IS your salary?!

while we’re getting personal. how large is everything else?

My mother and I seem to have a reversed relationship. I tend to be the embarrassing one that tells everyone about how she loves watching East Enders and talks to the cat.

Oh, Ernie, you go from being this completely trusting person to an adult with mortgage and obligations.
I hope you bought the Mexican elephant.
What?

Ernie’s salary can’t be that much if he’s buying in Freemont! J/K Congrats!

Not that there’s anything wrong with elephants.

I know it is mean, btu ia m completely laughing at this!

Abs x

Actually, your Freemont link says it is 0.4% Asian, not 40% Asian. Lots of Afghans. Must be cozy.

You people crack me up

Talk about your gay sex life. That always shuts my mom up and turns her red.

Reminds me of the time when I was at the house I chose (without my mom) for the inspection (with my mom) when my mom says in her f***ed up English. “This house is small, ugly, dirty, messy and smells bad.” In front of the sellers, realtor, inspector, basically, everyone. The worse thing was that we had been speaking in Chinese the whole time, until she uttered that sentence.

So the link doesn’t say 40% Asian, it says 36.95% Asian. I think it’s close enough…

oh. my bad. eyes are crossed.

what? Is someone hung like an elephant? speaking of large….

My mother wouldn’t even get out of the car when I invited her to the inspection of my first home. She sat in the passenger seat of their van with her purse clutched to her side and said, “I hope you didn’t spend more than $XX ($20K less than I actually spent) for this dump. Oh GOD, my daughter lives in the ghetto!” And then she burst into tears.

Regarding my salary and the realtor saying I could buy a chain of condos with it: she’s a realtor and she’s trying to make a sale. I could be making $4.75 an hour and she could try to sell me a mansion in Beverly Hills.

I work a median Web Developer salary, inflated because it’s the Bay Area and you have to pay at least $1100 in rent for a nice one-bedroom apartment [your mileage may vary]

OMG ernie. with every post about your parents i’m increasing convinced that i’m actually chinese and not italian.

Man…I will NEVER be able to afford a house around here.

Uncle Mike
Teacher
Fremont

Ernie, my mother would say the same thing, and she’s from Belfast.

Go figure.

Your mom hates beaners!!!

your parents sound just like my mom. my mandarin is HORRIBLE. i can pick up every other word, but i feel like i’m 7 years old again when they all talk around me.

ernie, you soooo funn’ay!

It’s because of situations like that I moved 3000 miles from my parents.

Ernie, you crack me up! I so look forward to your updates… I can’t wait to see pics of your new pad. You are going to post pictures, aren’t you? Aren’t you?!?

housewarming at ernie’s!! and maybe we’ll have special guests: ern’s mom and dad!!

Oh Ern, I’ve always admired your ability to turn something totally horrible into something at least mildly humorous or humorous/heartbreakingly sad. So, I think living 4 miles away from your parents will at least make my life more humorous.

Oh, you poor thing. Next time anyone asks why my parents were kept as far away as possible from our home buying experience, I’m going to send them to read this. It should explain everything…

Wow! Great blogsite and even better blog posting.I cracked up like never before.

In a way, I think parents are all telepathically linked to one another all over the world, regardless of race nor languages.

This is an excellent reason why one should live thousand miles away from home.

Thanks for being a really funny writer.

ernie, i don’t know why you’re buying a condo. i would never buy property that i intend to live in that’s NOT a house. i’m so used to living is structures whose walls are detached from another building.

couldn’t you wait a bit and save up to buy a real house?

Something tells me Big Bob doesn’t live anywhere near the $an Francisco Bay Area…

Some people are buying used seagoing shipping containers and stacking them like legos to make a rather unusual house.

oh ernie, i’m so glad that someone directed me to your site. glad it’s not just me.

.

Ernie, your posts are provocative, witty and make for enjoyable reading.