little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

Ernie’s God-Awful, Low-Quality Asian Film Festival

(Part 2 in a series. Also, thanks to the Evil Wahine, where I found out about ALL of these DVDs. Since I practically mini-blog half her website anyway, maybe I should just do a kottke and have her mini-blog for me too.)

Para Para Sakura (2001)

Synopsis: “Para Para Sakura” unofficially translates to “Wacky Dance Craze Cherry Blossom.” Yeah, that about covers it.

My Take: Okay, confession time: I rented this from Netflix thinking that the title was a movie based on Para Para Paradise, a video game like Dance Dance Revolution that uses your hands instead of your feet.

I would soon be punished for my ignorance. And how.

The main character in this movie, a dance instructor, is played by famous Taiwanese pop star Aaron Kwok, whose character falls in love with Cecilia Cheung, who plays the most high-strung, irritating, high-maintence woman ever. This would all be well and good, except she’s the leading lady, and you realize halfway through the movie that you have to like her.

And once you realize this, everyone bursts into song and dance.

(Aaron bursts into song for the main musical number, filmed on a street in Shanghai at night. It looks like the dance cheography to Lionel Ritchie’s “All Night Long,” except they’re dancing to a love ballad that Aaron is singing. Keep in mind that all Hong Kong love ballads have, like, 7 beats to a minute.)

Ernie: Okay, this can’t get any cheesier.

(Aaron suddenly goes into a dance solo. A TAP DANCE solo.)

Ernie: Okay, NOW this can’t get any cheesier.

(Aaron and friends suddenly start to Riverdance on automobiles. They FUCKING RIVERDANCE.)

Ernie: That’s it, I give up. (turns off DVD, tries to buy Zoloft online)

Failan (2001)

Synopsis: The good news is, the chick from “Para Para Sakura” is MUCH better in this movie. The bad news is, it’s the most depressing movie ever.

My Take: Oh, it’s just your typical “Korean gangster marries Chinese girl he’s never met, Korean gangster falls in love with Chinese girl, Chinese girl tragically dies” movie. The pacing is slow — you don’t see Failan (the Chinese girl) until an hour into the movie — but the characters are portrayed well and no other movie will put you in a somber mood like this one. Except for maybe Para Para Sakura.

Wasabi (2001)

Synopsis: Badass French guy from The Professional finds out he has a Japanese daughter. Hilarity ensues.

My Take: Hmm… what’s the best way to describe my feelings for this one? This time, the italics mean it’s in French, not Mandarin.

JEAN RENO: Hello, I am not the assassin from every other movie you have seen me in. I am a cop. But I still carry a giant gun and kill people.
RYOKO HIROSUE: HELLO, RENO-SAN! I AM YOUR SPUNKY JAPANESE DAUGHTER — SEEN IN YOUR TYPICAL JAPANESE ANIME, BUT AN ACTUAL PERSON!!!
RENO: You speak perfect French.
HIROSUE: I do! And so does every other Japanese person you will encounter, as you will soon discover!
YAKUZA BOSS: Oui.
HIROSUE’S WACKY J-FRIENDS: Oui!! *peace sign*
RANDOM BANK TELLER: Oui.
RENO: Perfect. This will increase my bad-ass factor in an exotic location, while not having to study a difficult language such as Japanese. Now, will you create some sexual tension with me like I did with Queen Amadala in The Professional?
HIROSUE: Ewww. Like, no.

Haven’t you heard that most Hong Kong actors and films suck? And Aaron is from Hong Kong (ouch!)

Thanks! Now I know what to rent to throw my own low quality asian movie festival this weekend.

or not.

I remember reading an article in Paris Match about Jean Reno and the young Japanese actress that he hooked up with while making Wasabi. Now I’m wondering if it was the girl who played his daughter…that would be kind of icky.

Ernie, about that Dutch tattoo thing–not certain, but I think “Ernie09″ said he was getting a tattoo and “Sirius” pulled out your pic on a Google search for ernie + tattoo.

Oui!

David, you’re wrong about the Dutch tattoo thing. A poster called “Ernie09″ was talking about his tattoo, which got things going a bit when suddenly somebody else (clearly a LYD fan) posted “the real Ernie”’s picture.

Ernie, this means at least two Dutch-speaking humans (the forum person and me) visit your site on a regular basis You rule supreme

mmm, doesn’t matter whether the movie is any good or not, if it’s got Jean Reno it’ll be on my list of movies to see. and my my what a big gun he has…

Bought “Wasabi”, and I love it. You gotta see “Hero” with Jet Li, etc., and “Christmas In August”. Very cool.

systransoft.com will translate the page…but I still don’t understand what they are talking about…

I thought Xiu Xiu was the most depressing movie ever?

I second that nomination from JII– I saw “Hero” over the weekend and, imho, it totally blows away “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Go see it!

“Para Para Sakura” sounds way too much like “From Justin to Kelly.”

haha, i actually watched all of the movies you mentioned (shouldn’t i be embarassed?) and i assure you there are even wackier plots and premises to be found! i enjoy sourcing your mini-blog.

wait, we’re still talking about blogging right?

btw, i third the recommendation on HERO. and i also recommend INFERNAL AFFAIRS.

What is the world coming to?

Ernie blogs about musicals and low quality Asian films within weeks of each other?

What’s next?

Aaron Kwok is dreamy, and that is enough of a reason for my boyfriend to rent his films. You should check out the gay asian films, but I do believe most are VCD and not available from netflix.

I had the pleasure of seeing Hero on the big screen in Hong Kong last Christmas along with Infernal Affairs. Hero is beautiful eye candy that should have received more than a lone Academy Award nomination last year. Infernal Affairs is decent and worth a DVD rental or a VCD purchase. Although I have not seen it myself, Happy Together is supposed to be a superb gay film and is currently near the top of the mainstream Hong Kong charts - 6 years after its initial release!

The Korean films My Wife is a Gangster (which is currently being re-done into an English version by Miramax - gag me!) and My Sassy Girl are definite buys.

Sorry, but I love me some cheesy Hong Kong mobster movies. Maybe that’s why I still have an Ericsson GH688 cell phone with the flat batter pack…those are so gangsta!

Para Para Sakura… oh, the horror. I actually saw this movie during its theatrical release in Shanghai.

I watched it without subtitles and didn’t understand half of it– probably a good thing.

Wasabi is one of the worst movies ever!!

I’m sorry you had to see it. Try renting “fulltime Killer” or “Happy Times”

No, none of them are great, but hey..what can you do?

If you ever want to do a crappy asian kung fu movie night I recommend “Crippled Masters” For a hysterical review go here:

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/cripmasters/

Why don’t people in America burst into spontaneous river dancing ontop of cars?

i’ll recommend:

scary
dark water (japanese) - haven’t seen it but friends have and insist it is absurdly scary. a japanese girl that was tricked into seeing it freaks the hell out whenever the movie is mentioned to her.

the eye (chinese) - in the vein of the 6th sense. good movie though some might think it’s slow.

romantic comedy

my sassy girl (korean) - must see indeed.

my left eye sees ghosts / needing you (chinese) - two hong kong movies that are really good. sammi cheng is really good in my left eye.

Yeah, but Aaron Kwok’s hot!

Heard “Love on a Diet” was good. Yet to see it.

My Sassy Girl. Watched this way too many times. Good, yes.

Oh, but Ernie… least you were able to understand the movies right? I watched a Korean movie with no subtitles or captions tonight… Sex is Zero and could only make up what I thought they were saying. Go me. Stupid movie piracy.

saw Love on a Diet. fun to see andy lau and sammi c. in fat suits.

I once ran a search on Kazaa for Aaron Kwok, and got the music video for Para Para Sakura! I didn’t knwo it was a movie and just thought that Aaron was trying to break into the Japanese Para Para market!

*tee hee* Ernie watches low - quality asian movies, and he gets his own Daily Candy title too

As for films, I agree with somebody else’s nomination of Danny and Oxide Pang’s “The Eye” . . . and “Three” - three seperate stories from Korea, Hong Kong and Thailand.

MJ just picked up a movie called “Volcano High School” (Or something like that)– a campy, real-life anime-style Korean movie. Man, you’ve gotta see this one too.

That assessment of Wasabi was fargin’ hilarious. I actually decided to rent that movie recently and couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. I just wanted to see Reno blow some stuff up damnit!