Ernie’s God-Awful, Low-Quality Gay Film Festival
The nice thing about Netflix, besides the fact that you get to rent DVD’s on the Internet and have them delivered to your apartment, is the fact that you get to rent DVD’s and no one knows how embarassingly bad the movies are. (Spending a day at home earlier this week, sick to your stomach doesn’t hurt either.)
Defying Gravity (1999)
Synopsis: Frat boy is closeted! His boyfriend gets gay-bashed! Will Fratboy come out to his frat brothers? (I’ll give you one guess.)
My Take: I liked this movie when it was called “Bad Gay Porn Movie Without Any Sex Scenes.” When I die, I’m going to go up to God’s ticket counter and try to get a refund of the 90 minutes I wasted watching this movie. Easily, the best actor of the movie was the token straight frat-buddy. But it’s not like his script was that hard: “Dude! What’s wrong with you, bro?” There. Give me my fucking Oscar.
Big Eden (2000)
Synopsis: Sad gay Montana boy moves to New York to become sad gay New York Artist, moves back to Montana when grandfather is sick. Hilarity ensues.
My Take: Okay, imagine the show “Northern Exposure.” Now replace Alaska with Montana, Neurotic doctor Joel with sensative gay artist Henry, and instead of a moose crossing the street, imagine Henry making out with a GIANT Indian Native American. If you look beyond the mushy-mushy love drama stuff, the movie touches on issues of home, belonging and what a community is supposed to be, but as you remember, I am a cruel, heartless bastard.
Broken-Hearts Club (2000)
Synopsis: It’s a gay movie, but DEAN CAIN is in it! Doesn’t America want to see Superman make out with a guy?
My Take: Okay, I did, hence me renting the movie. Probably the most “Hollywood” movie of the bunch, starring Superman, Kramer’s Dad in drag and that guy from Scrubs as a tweaked out club-queen. It documents the friendship of a group of gay men living in West Hollywood which means that two of the guys will go for the same eighteen-year old boy (check) and one of the friends will get rushed to the hospital from a drug overdose (check.) But hey, Dean Cain gets called “Bottom Boy” within the first ten minutes of the movie, thus justifying my monthly Netflix subscription.
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