For the Love of God, Make Ernie Stop Talking About That God-Damned Game Show He Was On
Okay, there’s been one more story I’ve been meaning to tell you about when I was on an episode of the Weakest Link: Even though I have yet to see the episode (although if you’re living in San Francisco, it airs Friday at 1:37am on Channel 5) I was told that my whole conversation with George Gray was edited out.
Well, thank god for the power of the Internet, because now I can humiliate myself still, syndicated television show be damned.
Here is what made it on the air:
George Gray, game show host: When there’s a tie, the strongest link casts the deciding vote… and the strongest link for this round is…
Ernie’s conscience: Please don’t talk to me yet. I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I’m not r—
GG: … Ernie!
Ernie: Hey.
GG: So Ernie, what do you do?
E: I’m a web developer.
Now here is what was edited out. Nothing is exaggerated:
GG: They still have web developers? You didn’t work in one of those dot-coms, didya?
E: Yeah, I did.
GG: You got laid off, didn’t you?
E: Yep. When I wrote about it on my weblog, a bunch of friends made a mock-telethon page and I got a thousand bucks out of it.
GG: …
E: …?
GG: A weblock? A weblah?
E: A weblog. It’s kind of.. uhm… hrm. It’s kind of like a personal…
Ernie’s conscience: Don’t say diary. Don’t say diary. For the love of god, don’t say diary.
E: …diary.
Ernie’s conscience: fuck.
GG: … oh. Uhmm, that’s cool, I… guess.
E: Uh, it’s not like I’m putting up naked pictures of myself or anything.
Random audience member: EEEEW!!
Ernie’s conscience: double fuck.
Okay, let me interrupt here for a second: some bitch said “Eeew.” Not just “Eeew,” mind you, but this ghetto-fabulous “ooh nuh uh that is NOT my baby’s mama” EEEEEW. Keep in mind these audience members are getting paid $9 an hour to dress up in a black t-shirt, sit quietly behind the contestants and SHUT THE FUCK UP. I swear to God, I had thoughts of ripping out that giant clear plastic box I was standing on to make myself look a foot taller, wander out to the audience area and turn “The Weakest Link” into “A Very Special Physical Violence Episode of The Weakest Link.”
This, however, would not have gotten me on television. I shifted uncomfortably and after a half-assed threat from the producer that any obnoxious audience behavior will not be tolerated, the conversation resumes.
GG: Do you have anything else interesting I should know about you?
Ernie’s conscience: If you have any dignity left, you will say no.
E: No.
GG: … no? *rolls eyes* Fine, I’m done with you.
And now, you know. (By the way, if anyone out there lives in San Francisco who can convert television shows to MPEG format, e-mail me pronto.)
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