little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

games i saw at the best buy but will probably never buy: part 1

Take BloodRayne, for example. Hrm. Alex, I’ll take “throw a bunch of tired concepts in a game and sell it” for $100, please.

Somewhere in a board meeting, a bunch of video game marketing and sales staff are in a conference room.

CEO: I’m tired of seeing these the same video game genres! We must think outside the box!
Various Yes men: Yes. Yes, the box. Must think outside of it. Yes.
CEO: Do we have the results back from the video gamer profile surveys?
R&D Guy #1: We do, as a matter of fact. There seems to be a high demand for games with vampires and occult themes, such as Castlevania franchise.
Various Yes men: Yes. Absolutely.
R&D Guy #2: And I noticed a trend that games with a strong female lead attracted an audience for our core demographic. “Hot babes,” I think they called it.
Various Yes men: “Hot babes.” Yes, yes. A “must have.”
CEO: I know! We can have… a hot chick… that’s a vampire! But we need an edge… she could fight… I don’t know… THE NAZI’S!
Various Yes men: Brilliant! You’re a genius! Everyone hates the Nazi’s! Outside the box! Outside the box!

(Yes-men proceed to rip-off their clothes, put on face-paint, stick a pigs-head on a stake and throw a fat kid with bad glasses off a high cliff, screaming the words “Outside the box”)

Ugh. Kill me. If we’re lucky, they’ll come out with a sequel and the developers will think outside the box again by having vampire-chick try to fit irregular shapes without leaving any gaps.

I don’t like vampires, zombies, or chicks. I feel u. BTW ern… we land thursday at OAK. 12:44 pm. batten down the hatches, the texan’s coming to town.

It’s somewhat encouraging that these sorts of games don’t tend to sell very well. Bloodrayne has been out for a while but it’s still telling to see it on the “bargain games” shelf at Target. I think that BMX-boobs game met a similar fate. A lot of hoo-ha was made about Lara Croft and her vaunted hotness but I suspect most of the reason the original game was so popular was that it was an incredible, atmospheric, fun piece of software. You notice that as Lara’s rendering has improved, the gameplay has not, and she and her proportions seem destined for Miss Havisham land. Gamers discriminate more than you’d think.

I want to be a yes-man …

What’t he matter, Ern? You don’t like killing Nazis?

I’m pretty sure that the first rule of game design these days is never ever ever ever think outside the box. You didn’t mention that she’s a half-vampire, half-human. Now’s there’s an original concept!

Ergh. Nowadays in videogames, who *isn’t* half-human, half-vampire?

Doom 3. Doom 3. Doom 3.

So. When are we hanging out?

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/05/18/fashion/18BLOG.html?8hpist

If you dont want to register for the NYT, use this link.

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/05/18/fashion/18BLOG.html?ex=1053835200&en=ea341e3b72e06ee4&ei=5062&partner=GOOGLE

actually not a bad game. kinda boring after 2 or 3 hours though.

I liked the game, I beat it in no time at all. It’s so weird cuz you start off fighting mutant spiders, which you actually get to watch the momma spider give birth too, to fighting Nazi’s in Germany. Kinda dumb storyline. They show pictures of Hitler in the castles and they have a three-sided Swastika hanging all over.

The realism is uncanny… it makes me feel like it could actually happen! Must be the advanced graphics capabilities of the PS2?

You could ask this guy if they’re really like that.

http://www.artbyfeng.com/

Come now, Ernie… I know you wouldn’t be able to resist it if the next version of the game has the hot, half-vampire chick chomping pellets around the screen while ghosts chase her. Oh and the half-vampire chick is still hot, despite the fact that she is yellow, round, and wears a bow atop her head.

I can think of three video game characters that are half-human, half-vampire.

Alucard from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Blade from Blade
D from Vampire Hunter D

and Dante from Devil May Cry is a human/demon halfbreed, which is close enough. But NONE OF THEM FIGHT NAZIS. Therefore Bloodrayne is totally brand new.

Am I the only one that caught the Lord of the Flies reference?

What about Wolfenstein — where you fight undead Nazis? Where does that fit in to the mix?

The “Lord of the Flies” reference was very nice!

I read the synopsis on the game awhile ago and all it said to me was Blade as a girl.

+1000 cool points for Lord of the Flies allusion.

Yeah, the allusion as great, except Piggy wasn’t thrown off of a cliff, he was run over by a boulder that was wedged loose during the fire scene.

If I do remember correctly! And by the way, I stopped playing video games back in the day when they all became vampire women dressed in scant outfits slashing men with blades and ripping/eating their hearts out.

I’ve graduated, however, to great games, such as Snood. Priceless.