gay gay gay
Every once in a while, I get e-mails from people asking why I haven’t written about particular topics. One time, I had a USA Today reporter call me for my opinion on a recently published article about Asian Americans and Internet usage, like I was the premier expert on being Asian American and surfing the web.
“Yes, Asian Americans have been known to use the Internet. Now that I have granted you this wisdom, may God bless you, my child.”
(Okay, it wasn’t exactly like that. She woke me at seven in the morning, and I was all, “what? Uhmm… yeah, we use the Internet.” And she’s all, “that’s it?” And I was like, “yeah, that’s it.” But that’s not as dramatic.)
Anyway. I’ve recently received some inquiries as to why I haven’t written about Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Boys Meets Boy, shows that have single-handedly transformed Bravo from “Home of the ‘My Dinner with Andre’ marathon” to “The Gay Reality Show Network.” Because I don’t have cable television, perhaps? Eh, little details like that are insignificant.
- Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Five fabulous queens make over a straight guy. Fuck that shit, what they need is a Queer Eye for the Queer Guy. My room is a mess, I cycle between a couple of t-shirts and cargo pants, and I don’t think I’ve ever used a moisturizer product in my life unless it’s involved a sunburn.
(That clicking sound you hear is the sound of dozens of rice queens turning off their computer in horror and disgust.)
You hear that, fab five? Come to my apartment. Besides, I wouldn’t mind the free white chocolate truffles and the black leather couch. Or to live in an apartment where the walls weren’t painted white. That would be kinda cool too.
By the way, that Jai guy seems nice enough, has his own Broadway show and everything, but as a “culture guy,” does he actually do anything on that damn show? Seriously.
- Boy Meets Boy: The Bachelor for gay men, basically. Oh, and some of the suitors are straight. As a disclaimer, I haven’t been able to see a single episode of the show yet, but I viewed the website. That’s all I need to see, really.
James: Hi, I’m James, the star of this gay reality show. You can tell me apart from the other 15 gay men because I have the most pronounced jaw.
The suitors: Hello, we are all gay men from West Hollywood, therefore we all look, dress and speak exactly alike.
Token gay black guy: Even me!
James: Brad, now that we’re on our one-on-one, do you think we have that special “love connection?”
Brad: Uhmm, I’d have sex with you.
James: How about you, Chad?
Chad: Ditto. You’re about as interesting as a sack of flour, though.
James: Well, after 30 minutes of posturing and mock-drama, I have made my decision on who to eliminate! I eliminate…. the token black guy!
Token gay black guy: Shit.
32 Comments