little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

god is love, beeyotch!

Teen Lingo: A Guide for Youth Ministers. Wow. Where do I even start on this one? I don’t think this guy is trying to be ironic, either. Nothing delights me more when a faithful servant of the Lord tries to learn the slang of the common man. Well, the common pre-adolescant man, according to this guy.

Our youth pastor, a woman named Laurie, was such a person. A nice lady, very dynamic speaker, but you could tell she was uncomfortable teaching gospel to a bunch of hippie teens. One day, she came up to me and my friends Isaac and Annie while we were hanging out by the church a Sunday afternoon.

L: So, I need to give a sermon on the story of Daniel to a couple thousand people for a National Youth Conference.

Ernie, at age 16: So?
L: I want you guys to help me out with the sermon. Be creative! I know! You can do a rap! I’ll videotape you!

(Ernie turns to his friends. They shrug. “Eh.”)

Ernie: Sure, I guess. What’s the worst that could happen?

So, away we went. We all spent a night writing out a verse, 20 or 30 minutes practicing our choreography, the Running Man. We were our matching high school choir sweatshirts and we even renamed ourselves Shadrack, Meshaq and Abednego.

(This is the part the story where my boyfriend, who lives and breathes hip-hop culture, breaks up with me in humiliation after reading that I’ve been videotaped doing the Running Man and naming myself Abednego at the age of 16.)

Where was I? Oh yeah. The rap. Yeah, it was videotaped. I can’t really get into the details of it, because it’s been blocked from my memory like a bad molestation. I do remember us wearing sunglasses, using the phrase “Jesus Christ is key” and us ending the rap folding our arms over like breakdancers would.

Or humiliated 16-year olds.

There are rumors that this video is still circulating around the youth group circuit. If that’s the case, I will be more than happy to Paypal you a dollar or two so you can buy a cheap plastic spoon and gouge your eyes out. They were that bad.

That is pretty damn funny. I’ve been to a few youth conferences in my day, but never saw that, but too bad. That site though, this is my favorite: BLING BLING: jewelry- especially someone wearing a lot of gold jewelry. “Check out Jose’s bling-bling!” or “Jose’s blinging it!” Could they go without a Mexican stereotype?

This one is my absolute favorite:
baller
n. Someone who flaunts money. “Check out that baller over there . . . let’s jack his car!”

“He is a baller, LET’s jack his car,” indeed.

Thank you for triggering memories that took years and several gallons of quality vodka to surpress.

Can we start a former Christian youth group participant support group?

Hi, my name is _________, and I used to serve Jesus through interpretative dance.

you scare me sometimes
*mwah*

“it’s been blocked from my memory like a bad molestation”

Is there any such thing as a good molestation?

At least you have the excuse of being prodded into self-humiliation by your Church group. There’s a video somewhere of me singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town at an age where I really should no longer be singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

Everyone’s got one.

Wow, that’s funny as hell, no pun intended. Hon, I’d break up with you over that but you know the words to De La Soul’s “Ring, Ring, Ring” and that just touches my heart.

Did your rap go like this…(please forgive me)

Ernie rappin’ @ 16

“I’m da emcee/ A-B/ E-D/ N-E-G-O
and Jesus Christ is all I know/
He’s Def he’s fresh, so to him we pray/
cause if we don’t, we’ll go to hell one day/
Word!

Awwww! Ernie, you have the bestest boyfriend.

There is a period in most everyone’s life that starts around 16-17 and ends around 24-25 that I call “Too stupid to live”. You will date incredibly wrong people, possibly even have a live-in or marriage. You will ruin your credit. You will get bad hair cuts, overly trendy clothing, a car that costs more than the payments to maintain. You will eat badly and have spasmodic attacks of exercise. And you will perform something embarrassing before a camera.

It’s part of human brain development, I’m certain.

i thought you were still using your site as a demo on weblogs when i first saw your post and started laughing. then i realized that this really is a real post…

Hi Ernie,
Quick com:
—-
“blocked from my memory like a bad molestation”—-
There must be such thing as a nice molestation?

OMIGOD! I saw that the other day on TRL. I think Puff Daddy, or Justin T. sampled it!

im googling til i find this. gonna check ebay too. you will be pwned!

I teach Kindergarten, and tomorrow during show and tell, I am SO going to be like, “Boo-ya Michael! That was SOME show and tell! You just gave us the HOOK-UP G.”

Dood, you were the Icee Hot Abednegos!

Ebonics is now universal. I am afraid. I am very afraid. I’m outtie, g!!!

Yo, Ernie. Whas’ crackulatin’?

Holycrap, that’s hilarious. I think you should recreate it for us here and now..mayhaps auction it off to the top bidder or something. You next game show should be “Who Wants to Whore Themselves Out for a Buck!?”.

i have seen that tape…it is without equal.

oh. my. god.

Hey, Evil. Post the link when you find it. =)

the beastie boys had a song on paul’s boutique about shadrach, mesach, abednego - or perhaps, in my haste white reading this post, you might have mentioned it - i read the words “hip hop” somewhere

I can’t stop laughing. Thank GOD there was no video tape rolling one evening when I threw on a pair of sunglasses and a straw hat and threw down the following:

“I’m grabbin’ this microphone to testify
About what the Lord has done for me
Antes si era ciego
I used to be blind but now I see
And demons flee
Cuando I shout the name of Cristo
Don’t need no gangs, no drugs or a gat
I sure don’t need that pisto
‘Cause Jesus Christ is the only thing
That’s runnin’ through my brain
The devil had me bound
but He broke the chains, now to die is gain
And that’s my story
Givin’ all the praises to the El Shaddai
He saved my soul
So now I’m gonna praise Him until the day I di-zie”

Carman - My Story - from R.I.O.T. (Righteous Invasion of Truth)
http://songbook.manueladam.com/ID/cffe0bad-a38a-4c0e-8b1a-5277b2eefe4a/show.lyrics

I’m “auditioning” to be a youth pastor in Portland, Oregon… and I pray to God every day that I won’t be that lame or embarrass my youth like that.

(Sneaking in to say how adorable the new niece is. She looks like she’s belting out a power ballad. Look out, Xtina!)

my favorite thing in the minister guide:

hoochie mama
n. More than just a hoochie. A hoochie of hoochies. Someone who excels in all the qualities of hoochidom. “Yo . . . you ain’t nothin but a hoochie mama!”

pfft. “The mother of all hoochies! The end all be all of what it means to be a skank-[posterior] hooch!” I love how they can’t say ass.