kingdom hearts
Remember when I called Britney’s Dance Beat the gayest video game ever?
Well, it still is. But running a close second is Squaresoft and Disney’s upcoming video game, Kingdom Hearts. For you non-gamers out there, Squaresoft produced the Final Fantasy Series, home of your typical RPG video game with heroes, dragons, wizards and mythical elements. (Not to mention a spin-off movie where the computer-generated heroine had really great hair.)
Now, replace the characters — the wizard, the brooding knight, the token hot sorceress chick — with Donald Duck and Goofy. Seriously. A corporate monolith like Disney making a “serious” RPG game could spell disaster.
(Giant, 3-D rendered three-headed fire-breathing dog appears on the television screen.)
Goofy: “Hyuk, hyuk! Look Mickey, it’s a giant three-headed fire-breathing dog! Whatever shall we do? Hyuk, hyuk!”
Mickey Mouse: “Ha ha! I’ll take care of this! I CAST ‘IT’S A SMALL WORLD’ ATTACK!”(Mickey waves a giant wand with, naturally, a miniature replica of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle on it. All of the sudden, 350 wooden puppets appear, dressed in costumes from all over the world. They attack the dog with miniature baseball bats. The dog coughs and incinerates all the puppets. The puppet dressed as a girl from Holland twitches helplessly on the ground, screaming “Why me?” in Dutch.)
Goofy: “Hyuk, hyuk! Oh Mickey, we’re fucked.”
(Giant “GAME OVER” sign flashes on screen, flanked by logos from Kodak, McDonalds and Coca-Cola.)
I actually hear this game has some good reviews, however, so I might actually go out and buy this game when it comes out next month. I’ll let you know how it goes.
