little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

little drummer boy

(Written for A PhotoJunkie Christmas.)

Doesn’t feel like Christmas this year, does it?

Mind you, it hasn’t felt like Christmas for a while, but especially this year. The company lobby put up non-offensive winter decorations, instead of the green and red. A back page article on how the local food bank has run out of donations, pre-empted by stories about Michael Jackson molesting little boys and a questionable economy and snipers and terror alerts and war and and and…

…and I just realized that I haven’t seen the phrase “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Towards Men” very much this holiday season, on television or greeting cards or anything else, for that matter. Imagine that.

It didn’t used to be this way.

I know it didn’t use to be this way, because I’m looking at a picture of a family Christmas gathering. I am probably three or four years old, surrounded by my immediate family - aunts and uncles cousins and my grandmother, on my dads side.

There’s the Christmas tree on the left, flanked with Christmas decorations. Hsiung family tradition dictates that the Christmas tree has to be artificial, which was fine. Most families have a tradition to decorate the tree, while our tradition was to assemble and decorate the tree. My mom went all out decorating the tree for the holidays, though I’ve never been certain whether it was to get into the Christmas spirit or to show up all the neighbors with their Christmas decorations. Another Hsiung family tradition: leave the artificial tree, lights and all, up until New Years.

Chinese New Years. In mid-February.

The tree decorating stopped around five years ago. My mom and dad got into a screaming match over her mother-in-law, and in what could be seen a fabulous display of defiance, pushed over the artificial Christmas tree, glass ornaments shattering on the ground, bright red and yellow and green lights blinking in unison on top of the green plastic evergreen needles. “OUT WITH OLD, IN WITH NEW!” she screamed in broken English.

I can laugh about it now, because my only other option is to cry.

That’s my sister on the left. She’s ten years older than me, which means she is thirteen or fourteen in that picture. She was just your regular girl in junior high school, before the cocktail of anti-psychotic medications and the trips to the psychiatric ward and the running away and burning of all her possessions, because Jesus told her to. In that picture, she was just your typical annoying big sister, protective of her little brother.

It’s funny, because as I’m typing this post up, I now remember a particular memory from that same night - watching an old home movie my dad made and seeing when I was maybe eight or nine.

(The scene: all the cousins are standing in front of the home movie camera awkwardly. An old record player is playing The Little Drummer Boy, which is something my sister must have thought up, because she was all about grandiose Christmas pageants, even if it was just to the immediate family)

Cousins, led by 13 year old sister: Come… they told me, ba-rum-pa-pum-pum!
Ernie, 3 years old: BA-WUM-PA-PUMMMMM-PUM!!!!!!
Aunts: Awwww.
Cousins: Our finest gifts…
Ernie: WUM-PA-PUMMMMM-PUM!!!!!!
Cousins: …we bring…
Ernie: PUMPUMPUMPUMPUM
Sister: Ernie, no! That’s not the way you sing it!

(In hindsight, I was totally the scene-stealing bitch at age 3. They should have just tagged me as gay and marched me through the Pride Parade at that point.)

Ernie: …PUMMMM!!!!
Sister: No no no… come on, Ernie, I’ll sing it with you. We’ll sing it together, okay?
Cousin: To lay before the king…
Ernie & Sister: …paaaa RUM PA PUM PUM… rum pa pum pum… rum pa pum pum…

And like a scene from a movie, it fades, along with my memories. I miss my sister. I’ll see her tomorrow when I visit my parents. But when I drive back to my apartment, I’ll still miss her. That’ll make sense for those who understand.

Happy Holidays, everyone.

*hugs*

It’s those politically correct bastards stealing Christmas from us all!

You look exactly the same! Awh I totally mean that in a good way.

*hug* Merry Christmas, and all my happiest and warmest wishes to you and your loved ones. =)

The part about missing your sister? Makes perfect sense to me. Be well this holiday, Ernie. *hugs*

It is nice to know that other people have a “relative trashing the tree shattering ornaments” story.

I was hoping I wasn’t the only one.

Awww… you have such cute feet in that picture. Thanks for sharing your memories (and your feet) with us. Happy Holidays, Ernie.

Merry Christmas Ernie…

Merry Christmas and a great New Year, Ernie!

Merry Christmas, Ernie.

Merry Christmas to you.

A hopeful Christmas to you, Ern. If I see you this Saturday, I promise I’ll try to be extra-catty as my Christmas present to you.

Awww….Ernie’s so cute in that picture! Merry Christmas.

I agree. It doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. Even though the annoying Christmas songs are dancing around in my head, we have way too much food in the house and my mother is desperately trying to find new hiding places for the presents she hasn’t wrapped yet (Like I don’t know about the spot in the closet). It doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Peace on earth.

Ernie, you look exactly the same!

Awh, you look so cute in that picture… sweeeet! Your sister is very blessed to have a little brother like you. Yeah, we all have our memories of good, and the bad… No matter, you know your family loves you, and your sister loves you, no matter…

Peach and good health for everyone!

Did I just say “Peach”… oy! Peace, PEACE damnit! :o)

You were, and still are, adorable. Peace, goodwill, patience and love to all.

I know the feeling about it not feeling like Christmas, I work retail, so it hasn’t been Christmas in awhile. I too have an “tree pushing relative story”, so I’m glad that I’m not the only one as well. Something has been missing this year, and I can’t quite place what it is. Have a good holiday season everyone. I hope the new year is nothing but great for y’all

All Holiday memories are great ones; they are specific to each of us in their brain-storage articulation, yet we can adapt our own experiences to relate to others.

Merry Christmas, Ernie.

http://jadedju.com/archives/000704.html

I miss my sister. I’ll see her tomorrow when I visit my parents. But when I drive back to my…

yes…peaches to all…and to all a goodnight!

Ernie, you always tell those funny-sad stories about your family so well. Happy holidays.

Merry Christmas.
sniff* at least you had a tree. We opted for the Korean Christmas plant, usually a large ficus with a single ornament. It gave us a place to toss the gifts, the ones my mom would invariably hate. Hmmm I’ve meandered a bit here…
Hope your holidays rock!

ernie’s haunting evocation of xmas past

http://www.littleyellowdifferent.com/?z=post&y=archives/002028...

Merry (Late) Christmas

Happy Ramakwanukkahmas, my eeeevil male twin brother!

i totally understood that part about missing your sister. i sometimes feel that way about my brother.

hope you had a great xmas and have an even greater new year.

Daejin, that was no Christmas plant, that was a Chanukah bush!

Nice to stop by this site.nerd~

en jij ook he klein geel dingetje

Don’t feel so all alone; last year my kids got to witness my wife stuffing the artificial tree down the basement staircase. At least she took the decorations off first and sent it down in two sections. Naturally I got to wade down the stairs through the scratchy branches to dislodge the lower portion.
I had more or less forgotten about it until I noticed some damage while assembling it this year. I have no recollection about what I must have done to precipitate this event.

i understand a little. we had the artificial tree for a couple years, brother now institutionalized. i miss him too — he is there but not really there. but i found hope in christ, whereas your sister lost herself.

Beautiful, sensitive writing. Do you write fiction?

*HUGS* Happy Holidays!

If you haven’t yet had that swedish article translated for you, I wouldn’t mind doing it In any case they think you’re fab so it’s good ;D

So it just wasn’t me who could not seem to get into the xmas spirit this year?

Hi Ernie,

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. Your writing and your stories are beautiful.

If you may or may not remember, I’ve commented on a post some months ago about your sister’s condition, but it was deleted (presumably by you). I didn’t intend any harm, but I felt *compelled* to comment since one of my family member was recently inflicted and recovered (with the help of medication - I’m praying there won’t be a relapse) with what I *think* your sister has gone through or is still going through.

It’s been the toughest few months of my life, and I’ve spent every single day of those few months in the hospital…mostly fighting with the doctors and nurses. After we switched to multiple hospitals, we finally found the doctors who provided the needed care and *right* dosage of medication. I’m grateful to those doctors, but I’ve also learned that not all the *doctors* are right. In fact, if my family and I had listened to the first few doctors, I am afraid that my loved one might not even be with me today.

I have read and re-read my comment to make sure I have nothing that’s not already not provided by you (I’m guessing that’s why you deleted my last comment). I know it’s personal. (If you are wondering why I didn’t send you an email instead, I’d like to remain annoymous because it’s also a sensitive issue for me). If you need to delete this post after you read it, pl. feel free.

I am not sure if you’re aware that most Asians are extremely sensitive to anti-psychotic medications. In fact, in my case, it *cannot* be taken because the side effects were causing even more problems. Shockingly, it resolved with the right dosage of another medication (non-antipsy).
Obviously, different situation calls for different medications (and I don’t know your exact situation), but if that sounds familiar, definitely have a talk w/ the docs or research more on it.

Normally, I don’t even like to talk about it, but for some reason, it almost feels like a calling to inform you of that fact…… what you choose to do is obviously up to you. I probably won’t comment anymore on this topic…

Anyway, I send my sincere wishes for a safe, healthy new year for you and your family.

Best,
stranger girl from afar

an amazing post… happy new year!

It hasn’t felt like Christmas in a long time for me either. This year was somewhat better than the past few. I have been going through some difficult personal issues and Christmas had become more of a burden than pleasure. I think what made the difference this year was blogging. Yep, I said blogging. I have found some wonderful, kind people through blogging and they have helped to restore my hope and faith in mankind. Funny huh?
I believe the idea of peace on earth is a lost hope. A childhood fantasy in no way based in reality. There has never been peace on earth and more than likely never will be. Of course that is just my opinion.
Lovely blog you have here.

I wish were were organized enough to throw our own family Christmas pageants.

Yule, Kwanza, Boxing Day, Christmas and Hanukah. …Choose one, and insert the word, ‘Happy’ infront of it.
(Am I missing any?)

Happy New Year, by the way. Hope Christmas went well for you and the spastic family. Heh.

congratulations weblog of the year
the blog of the rest of the world
saludos