LMN
Last night I was at my friends house, where my friend Isabel was watching the worst 75 seconds of a TV Movie I’ve ever seen: I walked in on a scene where a mother and son were lying on a frozen lake bed, screaming at what I presumed was the mother’s other son that had fallen through a hole in the ice. Except the son had somehow managed to position himself completely under the ice and unable to come up for air. In a final dramatic moment, the kid punches his fist through the ice, and the mother holds it tightly as the kid both drowns and freezes to death at the same fucking time. “NOOOO!!!” the mother screams, as the camera zooms out to the dead child’s hand, then the lake bed, and then the forest. The announcer tells me that I’m watching LMN, and seeing as I’ve never heard of the network, I look it up on Wikipedia.
To which I say this: SWEET LORD BABY JESUS, THEY CREATED A CABLE NETWORK WITH NOTHING BUT LIFETIME MOVIES. [Update: OK, the channel has been around since 1998, but somehow I missed this memo of awesomeness.] I have just spent the past five to ten minutes trying to figure out something funny to say about the Lifetime Movie Network, but then realized that all I really have to do is cut and paste these actual movie synopsis from LMN’s home page, and really, the blog just writes itself:
- Destination: Infestation: It’s a new kind of terror at 30.000 feet! Jessalyn Gilsig and Antonio Sabato Jr. star as a bug expert and a U.S. air marshal who must stop deadly ants from taking over a flight from Costa Rica.
- They have an exclusive web-only show called Inspector Mom. It stars Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. (As this is the Lifetime Network, I was going to make a catty comment here — something horrible, like “she fights both crime and breast cancer” — that’s a pretty assholey thing to say, though, so I will refrain myself.)
- The #1 Video from the site is from If Someone Had Known, a 1997 film where the chick from Life Goes On plays, you guessed it, a beaten wife.
- I’m saddened by the fact that I do not see Meredith Baxter Berney on the website, portraying someone with a mental disability. She’s usually my go-to mascot for melodramatic female roles.
I’m sure someone in America loves these movies; otherwise there wouldn’t be a cable network devoted specifically to them. Maybe there can be a show about them. They could call it I’m a Midwestern Housewife or a Stoned College Student: The People Who Love Watching LMN.
I’m a HUGE sap! The movies are awful and completely CHEEZY! But.. once you start watching.. you CAN’T STOP!!! hehehe
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