mack of the year
Things that flatter but kind of frustrate Ernie, #289: Girls telling me I’m cute.
So it’s like this - I’m at a party last night, kind of fucked up, and I start talking to this girl. We start bitching about our love lives. (Actually, the more accurate phrase would be, “I started bitching about my complete lack of a boyfriend.”) “Awww, but Ernie… you’re so cute!“
Contrary to popular belief, this does not make me feel better.
For one thing, what kind of “cute” is she talking about here? It could be the “oh - I - wish - you - were - at - least - bi - so - I - could - rip - your - clothes - off” cute, but chances are, I’m betting money that she’s talking about the “oh - you - look - like - a - fat - baby - let - me - squeeze - your - cheeks” cute. For theoretical (and humor’s) sake, let’s assume the former. (Yes, I know. Use your imagination.)
Let me just point out that if I was heterosexual, I would be a fucking mack. No, I mean a MACK. I know for a fact that this girl in my co-ed fraternity had a big crush on me, and confided in the chapter lesbian how she would blush when I would say hi to her at the bus stop. (”He’s queer, girl.” That was her reply. Aaah, lesbians.) And then there the trip to China where a almost-but-not-quite wife kissed me and said “wo hui yongyuen xihuan ni.” Translation: I will like you… forever. But that’s another story entirely.
Anyway. The point is, if I was straight I would have had a girlfriend, or at the very least, a wife. And I’d be whipped as hell, and love every moment of it. But no. I get to go on online chat boards where I get ignored because I’m Asian. Or fat. Or a fat Asian. Yeah.
Fuck all y’all. I’m going hetero. Naaah, just kidding. Maybe.
