-
If I hear one more comment from somebody, saying “Congratulations, homo…wner!” I will cut them. Seriously.
-
The amount of junk mail I have now rivals the amount of junk e-mail I have. It’s kinda unsettling, actually – it’s a mix of Penny Savers and catalogues for expensive wooden window treatments and stuff like that. The most unnerving junk mail, though, has to be the truckloads of letters that I get that say “PLAN ON DYING SOON? BUY MORGAGE DEATH INSURANCE SO YOUR LOVED ONES WON’T BE STUCK PAYING A QUARTER MILLION DOLLARS FOR YOUR CONDO!”
Needless to say, my immediately family had better hope that I don’t get hit by a truck or something. “What? Ernie struck by car?” My dad would ask when the policeman shows up at his door. “That OK. WHAT, WE PAY QUARTER MILLION DOLLAR!? UNTHINKABLE!!”
Anyway.
-
I have, all of the sudden, have been on the faggiest interior decorating kick in my entire life. I’ve lived with milk crates for bookshelves for the past seven years and a ratty twin mattress since high school, and after buying a computer table and a queen mattress and frame, I’ve been desperate to find the time to browser other pieces of furniture.
This is to be expected, I suppose. But what freaks even me out is the fact that I’ve also been looking at accessories. I’m watching HGTV, and I just bought Trading Spaces, the book. (Who fucking buys Trading Spaces, the book? I’ve only watched one full episode of that show with the GLAD bags girl.) I even look at those faux Asian accessories in IKEA showrooms and think, “what better way to identify with my Asian American culture than fake bamboo and photocopies of calligraphy, with a white matte and black metallic frame?” And then I bury my face in my hands and cry in shame.
Hell, even candle shopping has caught my interest. Candles! (And begin active imagination… now.)
(The scene: Four African-American women are in a living room, in their nightgowns. They are sitting on the couch, behind a coffee table full of glasses of wine and about fifteen million candles. Whitney Houston’s “Shoop” is playing in the background.)
Angela Bassset: We’re strong, proud, African-American Women. We don’t need no man to feel secure.
Whitney Houston: You said it girl.
That chick from Boomerang: Amen.
Random 4th woman: Mmm-hmm.
Whitney Houston: (As she does another line of coke)… who the hell is this Chinese boy sitting here?
Ernie:Uhm, ladies? You’re in my living room.
Ladies:Oh, hells naw!
So that’s where I am right now. More suggestions on places to furniture-shop, however, are always fabulous welcome.
Nooo! Take a flight here to NC, and get to High Point. Amazing discounts.
I know you have all the time in the world
two words.
bean bags.
“…who the hell is this chinese boy…?”
pardon me while i wipe the coffee off of my monitor.
damn you, ernie. you are too bloody funny!
congratulations hom–oops!
There are ways to cut down on the junk mail. I don’t really know them all specifically, but I know someone who does. He’s cut down his junk mail to practically nothing. If you’re interested, let me know, and I’ll put you in touch with him.
Things to know:
(1) Advo is responsible for most of the junk mail.
(2) Sending junk mail back in the response envelopes doesn’t really work; it’s just a waste of time and money.
(3) It may take a while, but yeah, if you take the steps to get rid of junk mail, it actually works.
Yes, Ernie is millionaire:
Baker, Kohler or Century. $5000 for a sofa is not much, is it?
Or check McGuire or Widdicomb, if you are really into throwing money to the wind.
Live large!
you think you’ve got problems with “homo” jokes? try calling yourself ‘mobius’ for a day, murph.
I’m on the biggest decorating kick of my life, even though I don’t actually own an apartment (yet).
If you’re into candles & silver & all that glitters, try Target. They do a fabulous 3′-long votive candle holder for mantles or tables. If you have cash to splash, try Bombay Company.
Trading Spaces is great, and the best part is Vern Yip. Hands down, the most talented designer of the bunch. His site is great – beautiful, clean design. Enjoy. http://www.vernyip.com/index.html
P.S. Great blog.
Crate & Barrel is dreck? Oh, hells no! You can get all sorts of yummy stuff from there, as well as the new baby sis, CB2. (CB2 is the more colorful, “value-oriented” sib; read “not as expensive as our regular stuff, but better quality than IKEA.”
I’m a girl, so I can say “yummy.” Yummy blog, BTW.
If you live in San Francisco, definitely check out EQ3 on 9th Street. Very cool, very modern, and very well priced. The people that work there are hot too!!