mortal kombat, gayness and a creepy amish guy
I haven’t had much time outside of work, but when it does, it often involves curling up in front of the television, eating my emotions playing video games on the Playstation 2.
Video games are weird for me — I have a notoriously short attention span, so I buy a video game and play it for maybe two or three weeks. Then I get busy or bored of it or I find a newer, shinier video game that needs to be played. As a result, I have twenty or thirty video games that collect dust, none of which I have finished, except for — don’t laugh, I’m serious — games involving Disney or Britney Spears. (As if the article in the Advocate didn’t make me gay enough.)
My newest video game diversion: Mortal Kombat: Deception, a typical fighting game where you choose your character and proceed to knock your opponent into a giant spiked pit or decapitate them or push them into a giant furnace while you slowly watch them burn to death. (You can also play a version of Chess, but I digress.) The reason what I bought the game for, however, was for its online play. Connect your Playstation to your broadband internet connection, connect a USB Headset, and you’re suddenly playing Mortal Kombat with some guy in North Dakota. All the social awkwardness of your neighborhood video arcade without the shadiness!
Well… actually, scratch that last part.
So, I’m playing online a week or two ago, and there are game rooms to play in: BEGINNER, INTERMEDIATE, ADVANCED. There are also user-created rooms: PUZZLE, HEADSETS, GAYTALK.
Wait - gay talk? In Mortal Kombat online mode? Interesting. As I’m a relative newcoming to internet-enabled console gaming in general, I could only imagine the possibilities.
Abercr0mb1e89: Bitch, you did NOT just unlock Jade.
Twink4U: I DID, *AND* I unlocked her three matching outfits.
Abercr0mb1e89: Bring it!
Twink4U: Oh, it’s been broughten.
Game Announcer: FIGHT!
Sadly, this is the pre-game conversation I had on the channel:
Ernie: Ready? Bring it!
Amish sounding guy from Indiana: Actually, I’m not looking to play a game…
Ernie: Huh?
Amish guy: …I’m looking for someone to get my jollies off.
Ernie: Uh, nah. I’m cool.
It’s kinda sad, actually. For a second, I imagined Ezekiel, an isolated, closested Amish man, longing for the same-sex love of his life, but instead sitting alone, by his horse-drawn carriage, bushels of wheat, and his, uhm, television and Playstation 2, which is naturally powered by, uhh… the sun? The wind? Whale oil? (Okay, maybe he wasn’t Amish.)
But if he isn’t Amish, it brings up a more important question: If you’re trying to “get your jollies off,” you have an internet connection, most likely a broadband internet connection. What, are the 10 billion terrabytes of pornography online not enough for you? It’s like trying to get your rocks off at a Jane Austen convention. I mean, you could try. But why bother when the porn shop is across town?
Alright, I’ve said my peace.
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