(With apologies to the real deal. Take with a grain bucketfuls of salt, of course.)
LAUREN, THE ASIAN-PACIFIC-ISLANDER SPOKEN WORD POET DOLL: Lauren would come in a cardigan sweater and a pair of fabulous black, horn-rimmed glasses, where she would stand quietly. Stand quietly, of course, until you pull the string in the back – then she because ANGRY ASIAN-AMERICAN ACTIVIST LAUREN, where she would scream epithets about racial inequality, the “model minority,” and race quotas in the UC system in perfect iambic pentameter. Sample phrases would address the objectification of Asian American women, references to obvious Asian pop culture like Hello Kitty and yell, because spoken word poets like to yell a lot. Whatever.
Accessories for Lauren would include Brian, Laurens male counterpart (Giant Robot magazine included), a hip hop DJ, and a crowd consisting mostly of Lauren’s sympathetic white friends.
HOT WHEELS, THE IMPORT VERSION: Hot Wheels as Corvettes? C’mon now, Hot Wheels are so early-to-mid 80′s. When you dip these plastic cars in water, instead of changing water, a body kit, spoiler and giant Yuban-can exhaust pipe magically appears. Look closely and you can actually see the decals, usually ironic kanji character translations like MUSTANG or SATURN. (Miniature replica of In-N-Out Burger sold separately.)
THE SIMS – TRENDY ASIAN NIGHTCLUB EDITION: (Note to readers: I was going to make an easy joke about how it would be like a typical Sims game, except you’d be inside a club, only have the option of wearing black clothes and your only options would be “drink a shot of vodka,” “throw up,” and “dance to ‘Bizarre Love Triangle,’” but I’d be taking the low route. The Korean version would also have an option to “start bar brawl,” but that would give me outright hate mail. So I’ll pass on this one.)
BETTER LUCK TOMORROW, THE FIGURINE SET: Pshht. Tired of playing with your comic book figurines? Has fantasy role playing become cliched? It’s time to play with these figurines based off of Justin Lin’s Better Luck Tomorrow, a ground-breaking Asian-American film which debuted at the 2002 Sundance Festival. Now kids can act out what Asian-Americans really do, according to the movie:
- Shoot free-throws all day
- Pistol-whip the jock that calls you an “Asian nerd”
- Win Math Olympic competitions – under the influence of cocaine!
- Kill and bury the people you don’t like – and get away with it!
It’s true! Hell, I’m doing lines of coke right now!* (Note to employers: I’m exaggerating)
Sooo, you’re not doing coke right now,but you will be at some point in the future? Like, say, after lunch. That’s when I like to do it; it aids digestion. And I think I dated Lauren.
I’ll keep brian.
The ironic part is that you’re Lauren in weblog form!
That explains why you always seem to be in a haze in your cubicle – you’re doing coke. I’ll have to drop by your cube for a pick-me-up one of these days.
“The SIMS – TRENDY ASIAN NIGHTCLUB EDITION” – just too funny…
i’d buy the asian sims game.
seriously. i would. just so i could make my own story and post it online.
i the geek. the asian geek.
are you saying koreans have bad tempers? why, just because our passion is just as fiery as our kim chee?
Where do I get one of these Lauren dolls? They sound like fun!
Ok Ernie, this is just scary. No matter where I go and read blogs, it seems you are just all over everyones links. Why are you so popular? I know, I know, you’re super hot, got a great body, and you are super hillarious with your posts, but dang boy share the love. I wish I was as highly linked as you are. Oh well. I still love you, and yes you ARE linked at my place.
you’re an idiot
They’re not lines of coke. They’re more like squiggles.
so when are you suddenly going to start talking about Harold and Kumar’s Trip to White Castle?
http://elfman.vendetta.com/b5/
Ernie…. I just wanted to let you know that your blog doesn’t show up exactly correctly on SAFARI…
not sure if you knew that already but I always seem to have a problem with the most recent post not being clear and sort of overlapping text and images.
just wanted to let you know.
-Chris
the vietnamese version would have the option to throw empty beer bottles at people. you also have an unlimited stack of empty beer bottles.
Always taking the cheap shots at Koreans! You must be jealous!!!
Lauren the poet doll: Good golly boy I think I knew this chic at CAL!! Poetry for the People?? Got run out for dominating everyone and everything?? Saw racists ghosts around every corner?? Yun?? Is this you??
No more keggers for you. saratoga springs ny hotels
So, after re-watching Better Luck Tomorrow, I am not sure he gets away with it. The ending seems ominous and seems to suggest that he knows his actions will catch up to him.
OMG!!! This was the funniest thing I’ve read in months! Loved the Asian Sims! (Especially the part about the Korean version. I get to laugh at it because my boyfriend is Korean. So there.) I’ll be back, count on it.
Better Luck Tomorrow is the Hidden Dragon Crouching Tiger – the white people are curious about it, the Asian people are, basically, like “WTF?!!”.
At the San Jose arty theater where I watched it, the majority of the audience was Asian. At the end, everyone walked out quietly, *torn* between thrashing a crappy movie and supporting a movie we were hoping would lead to more movies with Asian casts.
Hey. I would actually buy a set of BLT dolls. it was a cool movie.
Lauren would also come with a handbag covered in indie rock buttons. In keeping with the Giant Robot references, her emo white boyfriend doll would also constantly wear an expensive $25 Yoshitomo Nara T shirt. Ta da!