My Name is Ernie and I’m a Gluttonous Bastard
Dirty secret time: I read food blogs. You know, weblogs that don’t talk about the war or who spited who in the Bloggies, but honest to goodness food.
When I was growing up, Mom would cook all these awesome Chinese dinners, which are great. But then it was time to head off to the local junior high school, and my dad would make sandwiches for lunch. These sandwiches consisted of taking any leftovers the night before, putting it between two pieces of untoasted wonder bread and packing it in a brown paper bag with a 6 ounce can of lukewarm V-8, since they come in bulk and are, thus, cheaper.
This wouldn’t be a big deal until if I didn’t have to eat with everyone else.
Classmate: Whatya eating, Ernie? MY mom bought me a Whopper!
12 year old Ernie: Uhhh… a tofu and green bean sandwich.
Classmate: EEEEEW! *screams and runs away*
12 year old Ernie: Please be my friend…
I had decided to become a foodsnob from that point on. Well, tried to, anyway. Sometimes, while I’m sitting in my cubicle over lunch, eating a dry ham sandwich I’ll read one of these weblogs and masturbate pretend that I’m eating Veal Osso Buco. Then I snap out of it, look at my lunch and feel dirty, like I’m having this affair and I’ve cheated on my ham sandwich or something.
Okay, not really. But when am I going to use the phrase “cheated on my ham sandwich” ever again? Never, I tell you. None the less, here are some of the foodblogs that I frequent on a regular basis:
- Simmer Stock. The white chocolate biscuits were the first thing I’ve ever baked for friends. They worked out pretty well.
- appetites. Less emphasized on recipes, this guy writes about food like how some people write about porn.
- Mise En Place. More emphasized on recipes, this guy looks like he should be in porn. (Okay, so that’s debatable to some people. I mean, he’s kinda cute and… Jesus Christ, writing foodblog reviews was more difficult than I thought.)
- Megnut’s list of recipes. Okay, so all the recipes are vegan. Just throw in some pork! Pork, the other white meat™! Pork, it solves all your problems™! Pork, put me in the lentil soup — Meg totally won’t mind™! (Just kidding, Meg.)
