little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

my sister’s manifesto

My sister, who is ten years older than me, takes medication to control her bipolar disorder and her skitzophrenia. For the most part, it helps, but it’s safe to say that she has a long way to go before becoming a contributing member of society. While she was away for the night doing “missionary work” (ie, taking the BART to Berkeley and talking to homeless people) I found the following taped above her bedpost. This is written word for word:

“To understanding:

May the world of profound experiences and the college of learning, that I become more aware of my environment w/ many consent wishes. That I, in return support the homeless, the alcoholics, the drug addicts and over eating, ablenic[sic] and the overall ethics of the self-indulgent. That I too learn this circumstance, why the self choice can make a difference. That the self is an unique, complex and profound empty existance.”

It must be frustrating for her to try to rationalize her thoughts and where she fits in society. And with everything that’s been going on my life, it’s frustrating for everyone in the family as well.

I found your sister’s manifesto strangely beautiful.

I think we are all ultimately asking how and where we fit in.

unlike the majority of Americans, I think she’s found her place in this world. kudos to her and thanks for sharing. it is beautiful.

what i mean is she has found meaning in her desire to give to others. thanks again.

I can relate to her manifesto.

That was beautiful. While others may not understand, she understands herself.

as a psychotherapist who works with many bipolars and schizophrenics, i can relate somewhat to the frustration. i think it is especially hard for you and your family as mental illness is such a stigma in the asian culture. *hug*

um, she does know you posted this right? i mean, if i were her, and i didn’t know you did this, i’d be sort of mad.

In spite of her illness, she sounds like a very loving person. I hope that she finds peace. I’m sorry - it must be so hard for you.

beautiful. Ditto stan.

Ah…those two comments above look like spam.

I actually think her drawings are beautiful. Though I know they are simple, it has meaning to it. It makes you think about life.

They ARE spam, and deceptive too. Oh, “let’s debate both sides with a level head.” I can’t believe they would spam-comment an article as personal as this. It’s rude, incomprehensible, and stupid.

She is asking the age old question: Who am I…where did I come from…where am I going?

Selfless expression of love toward others is perhaps something eternal in a perishing world - THE Great Truth many of us can only hope to understand…

wow, i am completely awed by the depth of your sister’s manifesto. that is beautiful that she wants to give so much to others, and hopes to better understand herself thru her work.

I dunno about you all, but I got a totally different meaning from the manifesto: She parallels her life with the character of the self-indulgent (the alcoholics, the drug addicts, the over-eaters, etc)– what ever they do, what ever you do, for ill-gain or good, everything is simply, ultimately, an “empty existence.”

It gave me a chill reading it. (Sorry Ernie, didn’t mean to be so bleak).

(Yeah, I’m “broadening” the comments, despite the source of the encouragement of broadening).

This is what I got out of reading my sisters manifesto as well, Jonathan.

As to posting this without her permission, yes, you’re correct. I am posting this without her permission. And I’ll leave it at that.

My mother is bi-polar so I have been there for periods of deep depression and also some serious paranoia. She doesn’t write, but she talks. I also knew someone in HS who was a musical genius, but also bi-polar and, I believe, schizophrenic as well. I sympathize with how hard it is to live with that. You clearly love her and that is just about all you can do.

My sister is also bi-polar, with occasional psychotic breaks. I believe this type of communication is just her head full of static, broken impulses. There is no point in trying to make any sense of it. As for me, I just try to key in on the emotion behind the words, and respond to that. It seems to comfort her, maybe lets her know she’s not alone.

I am not bipolar, but I have known many because I was in group therapy myself.

I honestly wonder how they even keep fighting sometimes.

http://scaredbunny.blogspot.com/

Wow.. just.. wow.. The depth, the bleakness, I know it well… I wish I’d had a brother such as you to attempt a break-in to my dark little world.

Thank you, Ernie.

~Tam

a contributing member of society

is the talking to homeless people not contributing, in the way you would like?

actually, this post opens up a gang of existential questions, like “what is normal”, what does it matter to “contribute to society” or not, etc.

it’s gotta be tough dealing with someone bipolar (i spent a number of years back “home” with lots of folk with mental illness)–i’m thinking there’s gotta be something “added” to the asian aspect of it (namely because my best bro has a brother with mental illness and sometimes when he talks about him he talks about him “funny” — black folk a lot of times will be like “oh that’s just crazy joe” or whatever, and he’d hang with us just the same
do you think there’s a special stigma in the asian community with mental illness? (as alluded to in an earlier response)

usually i’d just read this and say something to myself like “weird, he posted his sister’s business all up on the internet”, but i figured since you’re going out of your way to make something relatively private public, and open up for comments, i’d respond.
j.

Yeah, I see the bleakness in that note too. It gave me chills.