(Fun fact: when you don’t have a job and you sit around the house all day, you sort of run out of wacky things in your life to write about. It’s true.)
There are two things I have learned while watching Oprah:
- Oprah seems like a relatively nice lady, given the fact that she has more money than you and I can possibly fathom.
Everyone in Oprah’s audience? They all wear pastels. Also, they are clinically insane.
OPRAH: Watch out, it’s time for… OPRAH’S FAVORITE THINGS FOR SPRING!
(Audience members leap from their seats in wild applause. Some jump up and down. They are all wearing lime green or peach, like they’re in some bizarre potpourri cult.)
OPRAH: One of my favorite things are C and C California T-Shirts. Made for women and, girl, they’re so comfortable! They go for 38 to 56 dollars, but everyone in the audience gets one for free!
(Audience screams. One women in lavender and a sun hat has tears welling up in her eyes.)
Ernie: Eh. I’d be delirious too if I got a $56 dollar t-shirt for free.
OPRAH: Next, we have Miss Rona’s Lavender Applesauce. Miss Rona started putting lavender in her applesauce after finding out her father was diagnosed with Alzeihmer’s Disease. Y’know what? I put some granola on this and girl, it tasted just like apple pie!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: (sobs) My father has Alzeimer’s!!
OPRAH: (walks down to the woman and lays her hands on her shoulder) God bless you, my child.(Woman’s eyes roll to the back to the head, collapses to the floor and begins to speak in tongues)
Ernie: Okay, that’s not right.
I need to get out of the house more often.
Poor Ernie. Reduced to watching Oprah. *big hug*
Wish I could help with the job hunt, but I’m 3,000 miles away and in the wrong industry. Otherwise, I’d love to help!
I had to pass on this link.
Ernie, this is the funniest thing I have ever read here – including your “Mother” posts! Ok, perhaps not funnier than when she called you up at home when you were sick, but right up there!
see, i watch jenny jones. it makes me feel good about myself. have you seen the trash they traipse out for her? makes ya feel like a winner every time!
They also got free 30GB iPods. That’s something to speak in tongues about.
Andy, this is true. However, they were more hysterical over their free sun bonnets and applesauce than the iPods. That’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Oprah did, however, proceed to turn on the iPod and dance around to the music while all the audience members screamed “Go Oprah, Go Oprah, Go Oprah.” It was a very “Waiting to Exhale” moment.
jeeh…didn’t know they give out free iPods, 30GB at that. but then again, i don’t watch oprah.
i certainly wouldn’t mind becoming a member of the audience, wearing pastels and acting mental just so i can get my hands on the free iPod. too bad i’m in the wrong part of the world.
No wonder oprah picked C nd C California shirts as her favorite… her and her magazine are plastered all over the damn site.
56 bucks for a T-Shirt What the fuck is wrong with this world! It costs 2 bucks to make by 11 year olds in Indonesia.
Oprah and Dr Phil are completely insane
(link)
Oprah and her evil potpourri cult are locked in a lethal battle with Martha Stewart and her followers. Self-improvement vs. home improvement… sun-hatted heads will roll, I tell you. And then those heads will be made into decorative centerpieces and displayed at dinner parties.
I heard they were 15 GB. But free is free. Ernie, gameshows can be your salvation, don’t let Oprah happen to you!
speaking in tongues eh. not right at all.
*speaks in tongues after reading LYD*
Honestly, if Oprah ran for President, she could RULE THE WORLD. I think I would then have to cry.
Oprah is evil and I hate her, but last night I put this on the big screen at the bar where I work.
And loved every minute.
Daytime TV is *way* better with painkillers. It’s the only way I survived being out of work with a broken foot.
I think we’re hiring your type up here in Canada.
Just an option.
As a fellow unemployee, I too saw that Oprah episode, what I found funny was that the audience only screamed *after* she said how much the item cost.
I just wonder how much of that stuff was up for auction on Ebay that night….
Oprah is evil…But I would endure a live Oprah show for a free iPod too.
i’m recently unemployed too. I have a telephone interview w/ EDD next week-hope it goes ok, want my unemployment checks now!
Thank God they don’t show Oprah here at my place…. or at least not that I know of.
Good luck in getting a job! Oh yeah, and this is the first time I post a comment…
Am I the only one who cried for joy at that episode? I was so wanting to be there, even before the 15GB iPods came out. That wireless vacuum cleaner thing was hella sweet!
But of course, I want to *be* Oprah, so there’s no mystery there… (*sniffle* oprah rules…)
“OPRAH: …Made for women and, girl, they’re so comfortable! ”
Jesus, I didn’t know Oprah spoke Mandarin Chinese too!
Every year Oprah tapes an episode where she gives away a sh*tload of free stuff; thus the “favorite things of Spring”, which includes already mentioned things like the t-shirts, iPods, vacuum, etc. Audience members walk away with hundreds of dollars worth of swag, which frankly would cause me to have tears of joy too. Oprah mandates that this particular taping is random — no one knows when they are going to tape it — and no one associated with the show is allowed to attend it. Family members, friends, associates of staff members are turned away at the door. So at least it’s a little more democratic.
I have no idea why I know this.
Hi Ernie, I didn’t know where else to put up this comment about one of the links on your mini blog. The one about Baby Ink Tattoo is a hoax. It was an April Fool’s Day joke by one of the morning shows at a radio station here in San Diego. Here’s the link to their page: http://www.channel933.com/playhousepics.html. If you scroll down towards the middle, there is an icon of Baby Ink Tattoo with “April Fool’s From AJ’s Playhouse!” on it. I also heard on the radio the other morning that one of the urban legends websites had actually researched Baby Ink Tattoo and had traced it back to AJ’s Playhouse– I guess they didn’t let everyone else outside of San Diego in on the joke!
lol. seriously, she’s great.
I was in the audience for an Oprah taping once, and all I got was a Vanessa Williams CD!
Seriously, no Oprah-watching novice should ever start with a “Favorite Things” show, because the level of insanity displayed on there is just too much for almost anyone to take. It makes my stomach hurt to watch it (usually a combination of “God, I want one” and “God, I wish they’d stop screaming”), and that’s just sitting at home. You need to watch a more normal episode–maybe they’ll run a repeat of the one from a few weeks ago about the 50 million ways your baby could die in a freak accident (baby oil asphyxiation, digging holes in the sand, etc.). Not a lot of screaming going on then.
I would scream up and down, while wearing pastel colors and a sun hat, if i got a free roomba and ipod!
At least you haven’t started watching soap operas. That bit about Goddess Oprah was just too funny. I’m still ROTFLMAO about that one.
BTW, I get 25 points plus triple word score for using that in a sentence.
Does your mom watch Oprah yet? Mine does, and oh my fucking god, am I ever sick of the Oprah Cult. I swear to god, if Oprah said she was gonna jump off a bridge, 500,000 women would run to jump after her. Half the time all my mother can talk about is what Oprah said and what so-and-so religious faith healer or whatever on Oprah said. I DON’T GIVE A DAMN!
Absolutely hilarious. Thanks for sharing your observations on Ophra (as my grandmother pronounces her name).
I just graduated from college and am unemployed as well. *sniff* I completely understand your bit about not having much to write about. Sadly, given the fact that I have but 4 channels on my TV, I too have caught a few episodes of Oprah and soaps. I am so ashamed. What’s scary is how much influence Oprah has on people. If she says buy Steinbeck’s East of Eden, people do it, by golly. As someone said above, if she became president she would easily rule the ENTIRE world. Scary…
I totally agree with you… Do you think Oprah requires all those ladies to wear pastels or do they all simply share Oprah’s style? Weird, ain’t… I also sit around the house doing nothing, so i can relate…
hey same predicament here. no job, no life, no nothing.
but i love oprah. heehee.
Oh, god, yes, I remember watching that episode. It was CRAZY. And speaking of the Oprah cult, I’m almost tempted to read “East of Eden” just because Oprah told me to. Did you see that episode too? When have so many people been screaming wild about Steinbeck?
lol! you are going insane! get out of the house! that might have been the funniest thing i have read for a while! i hope you have a great week! (this is my first visit to your site. i think im comin back)
Yeah….call me an ass…but I actually got teary watching that episode….
Everyone was just so dang happy….
LMFAO!!! Jeezus, you’re too much.
Oprah and Dr Phil are lovers!
Ern, I am SOOOO jealous that you get have the opportunity to watch Oprah every day. I never get home in time to catch it.
Lil – get a TiVo!
Damn, Ernie. You’re kinda brilliant, bro.
-ph.
Nicole wrote: Sadly, given the fact that I have but 4 channels on my TV
Girl, I got TWO channels & both are fuzzy!
Hey, saw your site from blogrolling. I watch Oprah and I like it when she gives away stuff, but I agree with you, those women are crazy. Hehe.