My not-so-secret secret is the following: I’ve always felt a little out of place with the gay community. My close friends in college were all straight, and when I had come out of the closet my last year of college I guess I expected this gay welcoming committee where I would instantly have a gay social network and have gay friends and go on gay dates. For a bunch of different reasons [read: low self-esteem] that didn’t happen, and ever since I’ve always been a little envious if I see a pack of gays in the Castro.
(You know what I mean when I say “a pack of gays,” right? Like, the group of 5-12 gay men that you see during Halloween or the Gay Pride parade and they have matching costumes or outfits? And half of them are drunk or high or breaking up with each other on their cellphones, and they’re all catty and shit so you turn to your friend to mention that the gay Power Rangers are coming, yet you have that slight pang of wanting just to fit in, if only for a little bit? No? Not at all? Never mind, then.)
As a result of trying to find this gay place to belong, I ended up being involved in the bear sub-culture. I wasn’t necessarily searching for it – I had one friend into the scene, and as a result, I would hang out with his friends, go to the same parties if they were going out, and so on. I’ve become pretty close to a couple of them, but to most people, I’m sure I was just “the token Asian boy, hanging out with the bears.” Fuck it, they don’t know any better. And so what if I’m at a party everyone is drunk or high or making out in the backyard and I feel like the only one not partnered off? Oh well, good times or good stories, I suppose.
So when people told me that I should get a profile on the local classified website bear411.com, saying I would be able to find someone relatively quickly to at least hang out with, I thought, “eh, whatever.” When my application wasn’t accepted the first time, I really thought nothing of it – maybe they’re just behind with their e-mail response times. Then it happened a second time. When it happened a third time, I got pretty irate, but it’s not really my thing to make a big deal about shit like that and maybe he’s just busy or something, and what can I do anyway, since it’s a private site?
It was only after reading the recent backlash against bear411 and reading this post by another gay Asian man who’s had difficulties getting on the same site that, oh shit, there really might BE some discrimination and the guy that runs this site seems to be a general assclown who dream of a perfect gay community are only the ones that he finds sexually attractive. Which is especially ironic since the bear subculture is a result of mainstream gay subculture being unwelcome to them. Ironically, the webmaster of bear411.com has a response for all the flack he’s received so far, but he doesn’t discuss his tendencies to discriminate.
Incidentally, I still feel out of place in the gay community – I’m finding that as far as gay friends are concerned, I’d rather have a fewer amount of very close gay friends than a larger amount of people I know super casually. And if I don’t have another boyfriend until I’m 37, well then, fuck it. Chalk that up to being older and wiser, I guess.
Wow! I thought it was just me. If you aren’t a hairy, bearded, hugh man I guess you can’t get on. I was ‘rejected’ and sent to gay411. I wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves. Being a bear is as much of a state of mind as it is being hairy and having a beard (can’t grow one, can I help that?). Muscled and smooth I guess just wasn’t ‘bear’ enough for bear411
[...] Some sort of Caveman Bearlesque spectacle. [...]
Yeah. I’ve had the same problems at times, but a lot of bears are pretty welcoming. Gay men can be very cliquish. As a kind of twinky guy who pretty much dates bear/cub types exclusively, I’ve often felt resentment from other twinky guys when I’ve brought a bear along to a twinky place. You can see it in their eyes, “What are you doing?” and “Such a waste. Tragic, really.” I’ve felt much more welcome at bear events (big fan of Bearracuda).
Anyhow, I’d recommend BiggerCity. It’s much more chaser-friendly.
[...] I hung out with the bear subculture for a while, but that didn’t make things any better – an experience with discrimination there is one of the reasons why I started [...]
[...] I hung out with the bear subculture for a while, but that didn’t make things any better – an experience with discrimination there is one of the reasons why I started [...]
Ever go to a bear event? Nothing but fat white guys. You might as well call it a gay Klu Klux Klan rally.
Thanks so much for your post. I’m a chaser so I thought I’d be welcome…instead I get this cryptic message that I can’t reply to (it bounces) stating that “my profile cannot be approved.” No explanation, no support, nothing. And this turd has the temerity to create a “fan” site called bear411love.com in which all these guys (understandably) say how much they appreciate the site. Well thanks for providing a voice to those of us who were dissed without even the kindness of an explanatory message. I’ll stick with biggercity and other personals sites and will advise others to avoid bear411 entirely.
Ernie, terrific post! As a big gay white guy who used to be a much smaller gay white guy, I can relate only in part to what I had sensed as a general eschewing by the folks to whom I was most often attracted. I applaud your ability to be whateverish about it, I wasn’t as resilient; and it hurt.
Due to genetics and an affinity for cheese, I gained considerable weight and blossomed hirsutely a little later in life than most. Although I now find it easier to socialize in ursine circles [though choose more often not to], I remind myself often what it was like *not* to be welcomed to the party. And frankly, there are always reminders. Rejection runs rampant regardless of one’s personal standards.
But I think the thing that many who have responded to your post seem to misunderstand is that “Bear Community” is a gross misnomer. The concept of “community” transcends the meet-and-greet-and-meat of a Lone Star or a bear event or a bear website. And although there are exceptions, it should be noted that the initial thing that brings these folks together is what they look like, and often what they like physically. That’s not community, that’s fetish and personal taste.
Don’t let the hugginess fool you. Regardless of what the sub-press and hype might claim with regard to acceptance-of-all and semi-utopian vision of this particular gay subculture, bear people are just that: people. And individual people have different tastes, and will have different reactions to other people and situations. The Bear Movement [ugh] is not monolithic, it is as varied as those who comprise it.
We can take minimal comfort in the fact that until about 1988 [I was there], there was no such thing as bears, and many guys who had been considered undesirable were suddenly the king of the prom. Consider it an overreaction, or at least, taking one’s own spin seriously, but these same fellas saw certain poetic justice in treating other guys like crap, because that’s the end of the stick they were used to. As I say, minimal comfort, but we’ve all seen it in one form or another.
To Frank’s March 19th post: we need to be careful with bandying about terms like KKK. It simply isn’t fair to those who treat others kindly and without apparent prejudice. And really, the Ku Klux Klan?! C’mon! Those are pretty strong [and erroneous] words. The KKK is way more organized, for one; and has a history of lynching, burning crosses on lawns, and running for political office. Most bear event attendees just want to get laid … huuuuge difference.
Regarding Bear411: fuck ‘im. It’s one guy’s website. Sure, its popularity nudges it to crossing the line into some sort of public service, but it isn’t, it’s just one guy [and a small team] and his gatekeeping opinion. Go elsewhere. I have. It’s a big world, and a big web. bearciti is terrific, so is bearwww. bigmusclebears is good, too, though for finding friends, can be a little specific for some.
Thanks again for your post.
I hope none of you feel bad about not getting on Bear411. A friend encouraged me to put a profile there so I did. I’m big, hairy, bearded etc. but had not been involved with the bear community at all. Not sure if it was just the guys I happened to meet, or if it is just a normal part of the gay culture but most of the guys there are just looking for hookups. They may say they’re looking for a relationship, even tell you they love you, but when they’ve had their fun they’re off looking for the next conquest.
I deleted my profile after less than a year. Bear411 is no place for a nice guy with a good heart. If you got rejected by them upfront, count yourself lucky! It may have saved you alot of heartache.