SXSW Story 2: Ernie’s Got a Gun
On my way to San Francisco, I saw the remnants of San Francisco’s Saint Patrick’s Day parade, drunk people with goofy green hats or vests. You don’t see a lot of Asians at the Saint Patrick’s parade, for obvious reasons. Probably because of the dread that some idiot will come up to them, screaming “hey, you don’t look Irish! Why are you at this parade?” (The answer, of course, is “so I can justify being a jerk and drinking Guinness at 11am. Just like you, assclown.”)
Speaking of things only white people do, I got to fire a gun for the first time in my life while in Texas. At an event called “Geeks with Guns,” no less. It works as follows:
- Someone hands you a Glock 40-calibur mid-size, explains how the gun works and is loaded in around twenty seconds, and then you then sign a liability form releasing them from all responsibility. Answer “no” when he asks you whether you’re drunk, on drugs, or have a history of mental illness. Briefly contemplate saying “No, but my sister’s crazy. Does that count?” and then realize that, no, that’d probably be a stupid idea.
- Point said gun at a target. Fire gun, and pray the gun doesn’t recoil so hard that you don’t let go of the gun and the gun doesn’t fly in mid-air, spontaneously firing and hitting your friends in the face.
- Continue firing gun. Similar to how people who are afraid of heights have sudden, intense thoughts of being thrown off high places against their will, start visualizing that your loaded gun has a personality, like that shoe in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Briefly imagine the gun running around the shooting range with its big cartoony eyes, firing and hitting your friends in the face. Imagine your friends screaming in agony. Shake it off.
- Realize that once you get over that fear of shooting a gun for the first time, it’s actually kind of a rush. Contemplate at least showing up for “Full-Auto Fridays.” Quickly get over it.
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