Chinese New Year
Thank the good lord for TiVo — it’s so much easier to fast-forward through televised parades. Like the Chinese New Years Parade in San Francisco, for example. The Chinese New Years Parade in San Francisco are based on four important things:
- Kung Fu schools doing lion or dragon dances. Usually with fireworks. The stuff you usually think of when you think “Chinese New Year.”
- Marching bands and drum corps (preferably Asian or having witty Asian-sounding names)
- Cute, adorable six year-old Chinese children, most of them doing cute, adorable ethnic things like fan-dancing or dressing up in red.
- The gay cheerleading squad. Okay, they seem like a good group, and I’m gay too, but come on, now. Is one parade not enough for you guys? Sheesh.
Now, item #2 is what makes this event a parade, and item #1 is what makes this a Chinese New Years parade. But item #3 is what makes this perfect for televising. Let’s watch, shall we?
(Cut to 50 six year-olds, obviously on sugar highs, wearing bright red robes and running around with giant pink fans. I think one has a pair of one of those shoes that double as rollerskates. But I digress.)
Newscaster, obviously reading off a teleprompter: “And here, we have Lincoln Elementary School of San Francisco! The school’s first and second graders have spent five months learning intricate fan and ribbon dances of Southern China, showing the parade crowd their grace and enthusiasm.”
Paris: “Well, they got the enthusiasm part right, at least.”
Ernie: *pause* “Awww, why you gotta hate on the six year-olds? What did they ever do to yer mama?”
Paris: “I’m just sayin, man.”
(Yes, I know Chinese New Years was last week. The parade was yesterday. I had better things to do.)
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