the cruise
I never did post about my cruise, did I? Very well, then. A couple of weeks ago, I went on a 7-day cruise to Mexico with Emotion Eric. The idea started innocently enough:
Eric: Cruises are great. You can eat any time you want, and you don’t have to pay a cashier afterwards.
Ernie: Dude, I wanna eat. I’ve never gone before.
Eric: You wanna go?
Ernie: Sure.
Eric: Okay, I’ll book the tickets.
And the next thing you know, I was on a boat drinking a mango tango with a Jamaican band playing “Who Let the Dogs Out.” I had never done the whole cruise ship experience, had never rolled my eyes at the cheesy cruise ship musical shows, ridden a horse, snorkeled or kayaked. And now that I’m approaching 30, I figure I can cross off “been on a cruise” on my to-do list for “Things to do now that I’m adult and have to do adult things.”
Some other thoughts:
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Going with Eric (who is straight) was cool, but I feel kinda bad for him, because apparently the conversation with co-workers afterwards went something like this:
Co-worker: So I heard you went on a cruise with Ernie.
Eric: Yep.
Co-worker: Isn’t he…?
Eric: Yep.
Co-worker: … niiiiiice.
Eric: *rolls eyes*To which I will say to my co-workers publically: Chill. Jeezus, you guys, it’s just two friends going on a giant boat to Mexico. I mean, how gay is going on a cruise line, going horseback riding on the beach, walking along the coastline of Puerto Vallarta at sunset? With the waves, crashing in slow motion on the beach, drinks with little umbrellas in hand? Totally not gay at all.
Okay, it is pretty gay. Talk all the shit you want. Seriously.
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Speaking of gay: it seems like every single gay blogger seems to be making reference to Brokeback Mountain. Heath Ledger shirtless in a magazine! Jake Whatshisface in a magazine! They’re in cowboy hats and making out! That’s like a porno, but it’s not, because it’s artsy! So, just to be one of the status quo, here’s a picture of Eric and I on horses. Please send me donations, kthxbi.
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The stuff of cruise boats pride themselves of being an international staff and trying to make you feel as welcome as possible and trying to speak in your native language. Eric and I are both ethnically Chinese. Hilarity ensues.
Wait staff, to the both of us: NI HAO!!
Us, in unison: Ni hao.
Deck hands: NI HAO!!
Us, in unison: Uhh… ni hao.
Mexican street kids selling chiclets: NI HAO!!
Ernie: (to Eric) Okay, this is getting hella old. We should speak in Chinese so they’ll start ignoring us. “Women bu tingdong.” ["We don't understand."]
Eric: DUDE, HELLA BU TINGDONG!
Ernie: Nice. -
Because of the time of year and the length of the cruise, there are a lot of senior citizens. A LOT of senior citizens. I have NEVER danced with so many older women in my entire life. (And by older I mean 60, by “never so much” I mean three, and by “danced” I mean “politely sway side by side while AC/DC was being played by some 19 year old German intern on a cruise boat for college credits.)
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You know how you play Bingo on a cruise? Oh, we played bingo, alright. I can proudly say that I know most of the bingo variations: lucky 7, corners, black-out. Apparently, older people play bingo the same way packs of teenagers will stare each other down at the shopping mall; they’ll cut you if you fuck with them.
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Funniest conversation I’ve had on the trip:
Ernie: (sarcastically, because he’s having a hard time falling asleep) Eric, sing me a lullaby.
Eric: Uhmm… okay.“Hush little baby,”
“don’t you cry…”
“uhm… Mama’s gonna bake you”
“uh… a pumpkin pie.”“And if that… pumpkin pie don’t… uhm… sing…”
“Mama’s gonna make you… uhh… eat… her… thing…”Ernie: (eyes open in horror)


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