little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

the forever flashlight

Usually, I would never, ever post about products that arrive in my Inbox as spam. But this one kind of freaks me out a little bit.

The Forever Flashlight. Never needs batteries… EVER! Because it runs on the souls of children. (insert dramatic music here) What bugs me about this page, I’m not quite sure, but I’ll try to explain it:

• 
  The stock photograph of the woman. Okay, I know she’s supposed to look surprised and all, but if I was six years old, she would FREAK MY SHIT OUT. It’s got all the freakiness of The Scream with that fucked-up Mona Lisa quality to it, where you can stand anywhere in a room and she’s looking at you like a cheap blow-up doll. And that facial expression! I can’t look at her anymore, she’s seriously giving me the creeps. But maybe she has that look on her face because of…

• The animated strobe-light gif in the upper left hand corner! Isn’t that how all those Japanese kids broke out into epileptic seizures? And it’s shining right at freaky girl. Actually, if you stare at the flashing light long enough, it makes you… want to… worship… Satan…

• Rodney King! Rodney King! (sorry, that was tacky. I couldn’t resist.)

(Actually, knowing my luck, my Mom will probably buy it for me for Christmas.)

You know, with the look on her face and the blinky blink of the ad, you’d think the thing doubles as a dildo.

Oh, c’mon! Like you weren’t thinking it.

No, I wasn’t, but I am now. Damn you.

I was just about to say that…

Be careful… your mom might buy them by the caseload!

thanks for the link ernie. all my christmas shopping is done!

“the new and improved little yellow different! makes a great holiday gift! order now!”

I like how it says:

“Light - when you need it the most”

…as opposed to all those OTHER flashlights that only work when you don’t need them at all; like in the middle of the Sahara under the noon-time sun.

i dated her! man was she kinky…

oh man… I just peed my pants.

Lockjaw’s a bitch, ain’t it!?

I hope she’s in a good Tetanus support group.

Glad you liked the cat link Ernie

She’s the evil woman from my bad dreams, hold me someone please.

okay, i’ve been doing product advertising and dealing with stock photography for a long time now — and i have no idea what’s up with that woman!

Sure, it’s the generic “wow, i’m REALLY surprised” face, but, Ernie, you have the qualities of it just right. she’s just not quite human.

hey, maybe she’s the new fleshlight/realdoll? that would certainly explain a lot.

thanks Ernie! That’s Hilarious. *grin*.

Ironically, one of my friends had one of those flashlights sitting on her dresser one day.

I was like, “Um … is that a vibrator on your dresser?!”

Only to find out it was well .. a flashlight … and you shake it to make it work.

Hilarity ensued.

That woman is clearly an evil robot. I can totally imagine her face melting if she got too close to the stove, revealing a shiny metal skull and red glowing eyes.

“The bright LED will last for thousands of hours and does not burn-out like a typical light bulb - it will never need a replacement.”

Apparently eternity is only “thousands of hours” long.

But come on people.. I’m gay and I can spot that the chick looks like the ugly extra from some bukkake site that no one wanted to, well you know, on. She’s like “Come on guys.. give it to me… guys?… Guys??”

Please don’t tell me I’m the only one that thinks this.

ANd ernie, you individual archive pages arn’t being style sheeted. It’s all defaulty and plain looking

I find something threatening in the huge text stating THE LAST FLASHLIGHT YOU WILL EVER NEED. I think all this shaking and blue light is just a ritual to open the gateway to hell.

You will be able to store this flashlight on the “Hangaway” you got from your mother last Christmas.

That is hilarious, i hate getting spam by the way. Also, she looks like she’s looking at something that she likes, interesting…

Is it just me or does it look like someone’s yanking on her vaginal hair?

The forever flashlight? I thought you said the forever fleshlight. Of course it doesn’t need batteries! It operates off you body’s natural pumping action…

We can make the Forever Flashlight, Not need any Battery, 1PC white super
bright LED Bulb, 15-30 Seconds shaking energy can be continuous 5-8 minutes light

Forever Flashlight, Not need any Battery, 1PC white super
bright LED Bulb, 15-30 Seconds shaking energy can be continuous 5-8 minutes light