On Saturday, I am leaving for a week-long trip to Miami, for the Miami Gay & Lesbian Film Festival.
If this seems a little out-of-character for me, it’s because it is: I’m going as a guest of my friend Royce, who won tickets, airfare and hotel accommodations to the festival through a contest. I’m actually the fourth person he chose, since his boyfriend isn’t over the age of 21, another friend is getting ready for the Peace Corps and yet another friend is in Arizona.
Seriously, I’ve never been so excited to be fourth string in anything, ever.
While I’ve been to Disneyworld three or four years ago, I know enough to know that Miami isn’t the same as Orlando. What I DO know about Miami consists the following: Miami Vice, The movie “The Bird Cage,” Gloria Estefan and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. So basically, the image in my head is of the following: Nathan Lane in a hot pink bikini, listening to his Walkman (NOT his iPod, mind you, his WALKMAN) while he’s rollerskating down South Beach. Then some random guy in a Hawaiian shirt comes up to him, does a line of cocaine and shoots him in the back of the head. The End.
On top of all of this, Royce and I are going to spend a day or two in Key West, which single-handedly makes this the gayest vacation I’ve ever been on. (Seriously, have you browsed the gay accommodations in Key West? Christ, I’m going to feel like I’m trapped in an 80’s porno movie.)
I’m handling all of this with a mixture of excitement and absolute horror; while Royce is getting an outfit, his hair done and has appointments at tanning salons planned, it’s not really my thing, personally. And as a result, I might have to apologize to the locals later for how tubby and pale I am, walking around their city full of beautiful people. If nothing else, it’ll make for an interesting blog post. (And if you’re in the area, of course, let me know one way or another.)
22 responses so far ↓
Steven (in London) // Apr 25, 2007 at 1:15 am
Have a fantastic time. I love a freebie.
Take photos of the Art Deco buildings for flickr.
Linda // Apr 25, 2007 at 5:08 am
I live in Key West, have for 15 years. I’ll be interested to hear what you think of the gayest vacation ever!
alex // Apr 25, 2007 at 5:18 am
Okay, I’ll say it. Nathan Lane in a bikini should be shot in the back of the head. Maybe not shot. Maybe poked a little too hard with a stick.
Dorid // Apr 25, 2007 at 5:47 am
OMG, I hate to tell you this, but Key West isn’t the big gay destination it was 30 years ago! Sure there are some remnants of the old communities, but a lot of Key West is straight young hetrosexual artists… It’s kinda sad really, because it just isn’t the place it was. It remains, however, the most gay aware region in the south.
I have friends who’ve gone to the film festival annually, as well as the October adult events (Fantasy Fest), and say that Miami and the Keys are just WILD at those times. Somehow, I just can’t SEE you there…LOL… I think you’ll be wowed by it all, and yeah, it will probably be the vacation of a lifetime
LOL… too bad you’ve missed Tropical Heat…
Valerie // Apr 25, 2007 at 6:25 am
I’m a straight girl living in Key West, I’d love to buy you a drink while you’re here but I’ll be in DC. There are definitely some interesting sides of the spectrum here in Key West, from the extreme right to the extreme left and everything in between. A few friends visited during Gay Spring Break a month or so ago and I had an eye-opening experience tagging along and paying the $2 locals cover charge at Bourbon Street Pub. Those nice gay boys are from DC and their eyes were opened too. Don’t say you weren’t warned. Awesome tiki bar and pool on the patio out back, don’t miss that if you go.
I have to ask - I expected product while they were visiting, but a flat iron? For a white boy with short hair? Seriously? Is this normal?
I’m very overdue for a trip to Miami/South Beach, and now I’ll have the lovely image you painted burned into my brain. We’re catching up on disc 2, side A, season two of the Miami Vice DVDs. Great stuff.
dvg // Apr 25, 2007 at 7:10 am
Dude. I’ve been to Miami many, many times. Your analysis of the area is absolutely perfect.
Alison // Apr 25, 2007 at 7:38 am
I guess 4th is way better than not being considered at all. Have fun. And stay away from the pink bikini.
Jonathan // Apr 25, 2007 at 9:43 am
I have a lot of good (heterosexual) memories of Key West– It’s a beautiful place with blue seas and vibrant schools chum eating yellowtail (if you go snorkeling, make sure you go with someone who gets seasick easily– watching the little buggers go for someone’s just-digested-lunch is oddly funny).
In any case, have fun, stay loose, practice safe sex!
:: jozjozjoz :: // Apr 25, 2007 at 9:56 am
I can’t wait for the post-vacation stories, Ernie!
susannah // Apr 25, 2007 at 3:49 pm
i love (and miss) south fla.
1. try to get away from south beach at some point…
2. eat at a cuban restaurant in little havana
3. try to get out to the everglades — the “anhinga trail” is less than 20 miles from miami. all the birds and turtles and alligators are sure to contribute to a blog post.
have a wonderful trip!
Ian // Apr 25, 2007 at 4:09 pm
I apparently share a name with some commerce dude in Key West. Thanks to this, I’ve been on the Gay Key West travel mailing list for at least 2 years.
It doesn’t matter how often I tell them to stop, I am still regularly informed about gay cruise ships & accommodations in lovely Key West.
John // Apr 25, 2007 at 4:21 pm
It’s all well & good (and HECKA easy) to make fun of Crazy Florida–
–but isn’t there an elephant in this room that’s being ignored?
HUH??!?
miriam // Apr 26, 2007 at 1:20 pm
“–but isn’t there an elephant in this room that’s being ignored?”
….old jews?
i’ve never spent time in florida, but old jews (it’s ok, i’m jewish) are definitely part of my floridian stereotype. might not be key west, though.
Mish'n'mash // Apr 26, 2007 at 2:43 pm
If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, just remember: you do Madonna, Madonna, Madonna - but you keep it all inside.
John // Apr 26, 2007 at 5:16 pm
No, the elephant has nothing to do with Florida–but, Ernie–if you do run into Bea Arthur, I DEFINITELY want her autograph, or an old sock or something.
Lil // Apr 26, 2007 at 6:08 pm
I’ve never seen you with a tan. How about a spray tan? If you do so, you MUST take oodles of pictures. Have a wonderful GAYCATION! (I love “The Office”)
Eric // Apr 27, 2007 at 12:13 pm
I’m surprised you didn’t mention CSI Miami. Then, you could look forward to lots of underwear models trying to kill each other. Oh, and the sunlight is really really yellow there for some reason. I wouldn’t go to the Everglades, something will eat ya (not in a good way either). Stick to the gay accommodations. Clothing is always optional.
stan // Apr 28, 2007 at 8:42 am
Hehe you’re gonna have fun!
It’s times liek this I wish i still lived in Miami!
Aya // Apr 29, 2007 at 2:19 pm
I was in Key West for a Puzzle Pirates party (company paid vacations++) in the end of 2005; it’s warm and extremely sunny. The tourism stuff to buy there is so hideously tacky it’s come out the other side and become an art form; we sent the CEO of Three Rings home with a rainbow bead necklace with a rastafarian stroking his happy place that had a pull-away banana peel.
Eat at B.O.’s Fish Wagon, the seafood all over Key West is awesome, and beware the roosters *EVERYWHERE*. (Note how I didn’t say cocks in case I was misunderstood.) They crow all day, at least every hour, and they’re super obnoxious.
Stephanie // May 4, 2007 at 1:30 pm
One of these days you will come to A City Near Me and I can finally take one of my heroes out for all you can eat sushi.
Until then, be warned, Asians tan like strawberries. Bring aloe =p
Scott N // May 5, 2007 at 4:16 am
Tubby? Pale? Let me send you a sympathy note. Just kidding…I hope its a wonderful trip despite your trepidation. Miss seeing you around. Hope your doing well! HUGS
Morrie // May 28, 2007 at 2:25 am
Ernie, hope you had a blast. I had a great time in Key West and Miami in ‘94. I suppose you’re glad to be back home. The latest mug shot, and synchronised swimming shot are fantastic. Take care, and keep posting.
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