little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

the pigeon and lobster puppet show

This weekend, I had the honor of attending my friend Anna’s wedding. It was your standard Chinese-American wedding, meaning that the actual ceremony in the church was a simple and dignified while the wedding banquet afterwards was an elaborate affair that took five hours and cost more than the GNP of most small countries in the Pacific Ocean.

For for those that have never been, the Chinese wedding banquet is a little different than the standard wedding reception:

• You can expect an average of six to twelve courses at a banquet. Tradition dictates that the first course is always roast duck, but other dishes are served including exotic soups, seafood, poultry and other meat that would make a PETA activist crawl up in their little vegatarian hole and die.

  Oh yeah, and the meat dishes came with the head included. That doesn’t help the ideal much either, does it?

  

  Voltaire as Mister Pigeon: Hello, Mister Lobster, I am Mr Pigeon! May I please practice my gentle physical and spiritual movements in your country?
  Erick as Mister Lobster: No, you may not, you evil cultist! I shall imprison you and your family! Beware my deadly lobster claw attack!

  (Okay, they didn’t really say that. Also, we are professionals: don’t do this at an actual Chinese banquet unless you want dirty stares from the two Chinese elderly tables for the rest of the night.)

• 

  (Banquet server comes to our table, delivers forks to the white people at our table, walks away)

  Mike: Hey, I didn’t ask for a fork.
  Jason: I think they just assumed that none of the white people here know how to eat with chopsticks.
  Mike: That ain’t right, man.
  Ernie: But Mike, you don’t know how to eat with chopsticks.
  Mike: …

Are Chinese weddings this elaborate outside of the US or is primarily an Asian-American thing? Because, aside from the atypical food choices, it sounds very simlar to a traditional Western European-style wedding.

This is totally not related to weddings (Chinese or otherwise), but I thought you might appreciate it.

Ernie, nice shirt! I really hope you didn’t wear a white crewneck t-shirt underneath like you did at the last wedding I went to with you. Perhaps you should be the straight guy on “Queer Eye.” I’m just kidding. Maybe you should bring me as your date to the next Chinese wedding because people think I’m Chinese. I could yell out all the Chinese phrases that I know, like, Why don’t you call your mother?! (should be in italics).

If you give chopsticks to a white guy, they’re just goign to end up drumming on the table with them anyways.

Hey,
I found your site through a guy called Chiway and it seems really interesting and funny kinda honest too. Anyways I like it :)x

Did you sit at the gay table or does no such thing exist? If you have yet to have this experience at a large wedding you’re totally missing out. :>

I love the disgust on Mike’s face. Funny.

Ahh, yes…the infamous “whiteboy at table 3 needs a fork” mentality; I know it all too well. Then when I bust out and use the chopsticks they come up and compliment me on it. Boo-ya!

Classic.

ernie - you look fantastic!

and yes, *all* chinese weddings all over the world have at least 8 to 10 courses with strange meats and sharks fin soup and involve 5 changes of clothes for the bride and lots of waiting in between.

Hey, for some chicken head / lobster head action, check this out:

http://www.perpetualstroll.org/archives/000955.php

I tried to find the head of a pig, but no such luck.

Am I the only one who thinks Ernie looks like the maid of honor in the first picture?

..anyone..?

Nope, didn’t think so.

I get the lone fork sometimes when I go a good Chinese or Japanese place in Seattle. If It is the Japanese place I’ll nag them in Nippongo.

My cousin sat there during the buffet checking off to see who did NOT show up and discussing the contracts with the photographer and videographer. She had two wedding coordinators.

By the time the slide show was ready she sat by herself watching their ceremony while her new husband hang out at the back with the bridal party.

The heads of cooked dead animals won’t help them with their marriage.

The chopsticks are more of a souvenir for us.

long ago in a land far away, my friend amber’s boyfriend made us all some fried chicken in brown sauce with snow peas. we had been studying for a C.E. class with Jennifer, from Orange, TX. (read hillbilly central) When the food was served, jennifer looked at me (being white) and said “well, at least I won’t be the only one who doesn’t know how to use chopsticks.” I proceeded to go ang lee with the chopsticks, i’ve never been that artful before or since. I probably could have snagged the eye from the fish at a restauraunt that day.

should have seen the look from the waitress at dimsum when I used the chopsticks to cut dumplings in half like they were scissors.

I like the sneer.

sounds fabulous.

First things first — Ernie, wow, you look GREAT! You’re smiling, you’re good looking, and the world needs to watch out for you.

Now, on to less serious matters.

Living in Beijing I was pretty amused by the fact that no matter where we went it was the white people eating with chopsticks. All of the Chinese folks were using spoons, Thai style.

A couple of friends actually asked me at one point why we used chopsticks and said, I kid you not, “those things are so stupid. You should use a spoon, it’s much better.”

Oh well.

I still keep my good chopsticks in my briefcase. Whenever I get Chinese food and they take away my chopsticks (happens all the time) I just bust ‘em out of my briefcase and smile.

Hey, it keeps *ME* entertained.

Instead of spoons, why don’t they sell chopsticks with hollow centers that can be used as straws?

That reminds me:

You know you’ve shamed your ancestors when you’re eating (with chopsticks) at a Chinese restaurant and the waitress takes one look at your style, rushes into the back and returns, handing you a fork. Oh yeah. Can you dig it? A-B-C action. Mmmm-baby.

I’m with Mike. I don’t know how to use chopsticks either. Sue us. I like the snorting in between the lines of your blog, though. Hope I don’t have to hire a lawyer for that. *crosses fingers*

*mumbles* Don’t wanna be next Kobe, don’t wanna be next Kobe, don’t wanna be…

You look great Ernie!

My coworkers and I were all laughing at the fork picture.

“…the meat dishes came with the head…” heh heh.

That picture of you is very handsome. Work it, Ernie!

Damn, Ernie! You’re lookin’ good!

Ernie, you look sooo good. wow. if only I were a gay man….or you were straight….

Above the trophy case hangs an elvish sword of great antiquity.

I will run out of Zork quotes eventually. Also, I need to stop skipping a day between reading NetNewsWire posts… I dread to think of…