little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

the songs that make me want to kill myself

From Lia: Her three stick-your-head-in-an-oven bad songs. Hmmm… sounds like an internet meme to me!

(I’ve try to stay away from the obvious, cliched songs: Therefore I will not be writing about the songs that immediately came to mind: “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba and ANYTHING by the Quad City DJs.)

I NEED LOVE - LL COOL J

Where do I start… could it be the sappy Casio keyboards? Is it the thought of LL Cool J being one of the first mainstream rap artists out there pandering to the hearts of ladies wearing their Cross-Colours and doing the running man? Is it such wise and inspiring lyrics like “I need a girl who’s as sweet as a dove / for the first time in my life, I see I need love?” (”Yo, man.” I can hear him say. “I need something that rhymes with love. Glove? Shove? Yeah, dove. Word.”) And then, when I can’t take his cheesy lyrics, the 80’s keyboard chord progressions come on again and I try to cut myself.

KNOCKIN’ BOOTS - CANDYMAN

OK, two songs about a rappers soft side. What can I say? I’m having writers block. So what is this song about?

1. Candyman meets a groupie at a rap concert.
2. Candyman knocks da boots.
3. The End.

The only somewhat-but-not-really redeeming moment is the 4 line ditty that Candymans hootch sings, lifted straight from Lyn Collins (thanks, Anil)

Hootchie: Oooh, boy I love you so / Never ever ever gonna let you go
Hootchie: Once I get my hands on you
Hootchie: Oooh, boy I love you so / Never ever ever gonna let you go
Hootchie: I hope you feel the say way too
Candyman: Girl, I DO.

After Candymans brief acknowledgement of love at a concert, Candyman then proceeds to rap about doing it on a rug while drunk. Damn skeezer.

DON’T CRY OUT LOUD - MELISSA MANCHESTER

You know, it’s hard to explain why this song irks me so much. It’s available on iTunes, if you want to sample 30 seconds of campiness (or have 99 cents to throw away.) Listen to it, and come back.

…

So you know what I mean now, right? There’s no way to be able to listen to this song from beginning to end without 1) bursting into laughter or 2) lip-syncing this as a drag queen. Thank the good lord this isn’t a video weblog, because there’d be a clip of me singing the chorus with a spotlight, a wind machine and 3 bottles of Visine (for fake tears). There would also need to be some royalty-free stock footage of fireworks, nuclear blasts and large groups of lemmings throwing themselves in the ocean during the dramatic final verse (you know, the one with the trumpets and the power notes.)

Oh, who am I kidding? I fucking love this song. I’m gonna stream the MIDI as background music on this weblog next week. DOOON’T CRRRRY OUUUT LOOOUD… AND IF YOU SHOULD FALLL… REMEMBER YOU ALLLMOOST… HAAAD… IT ALLLLL!!! (/me breaks down, sobbing)

I don’t know about you but the part about clowns is scary.

*Sniff* What’s that in my eye? Oh, wait, just some sawdust and glitter…

okay, i’ll give you candyman and melissa manchester, but leave LL alone - - it’s not his fault that rap ballads sounded that way back then. he pioneered the formula of doing a club track, a radio track, and a little something for the ladies on his CDs. if you look at 50 Cent or any of the forthcoming G-Unit releases, it is depressing how predictable the release patterns have become.

also, when dr. dre was in the World Class Wreckin’ Cru, he wore lipstick. yes, THAT dr. dre. at least LL came out rocking the bells

Though she will be in Fish Creek in October…you can catch Missy in Cali sometime in Novemeber. Sing it, boy…sing it proud!

Wait till Hassle The Hoff’s album hits the stores, then we’ll have some really crap songs to blog about.

Anyway, here are the songs I hate: http://kitta.net/index.php?p=155

“Don’t Cry Out Loud”? Man, that song is like a piano recital staple for anyone who lived through the 80s. Other songs include “Chariots of Fire” (the champion), “If”, “Somewhere Out There”, and “Through the Eyes of Love (Theme from ‘Ice Castles’)”.

Now I kind of want to punch Dan Coates in the face right now….

hey, there’s always the luka bloom version of the llcoolj song. you know you want to hear it with an irish accent…

If you haven’t already seen it, Drop Dead Gorgeous has a scene where a wasted-away, anorexic ex-beauty queen lip-syncs this song while being pushed around a stage in a wheelchair by her nurse. Every time I hear the song now, I cry tears of laughter.

“On the Wings of Love” by Jeffrey Osborne. Sappiest piece of crap ever.

“I’m Livin’ In Shame” by The Supremes. The most depressing song I’ve ever heard. Awful if not just for the line “momma passed away while making home made jam”, but for the fact this is THE SUPREMES! Come on, girls, what were you thinking? If you don’t know the song, try to find a copy, or at least read the lyrics.

Oh. My. God.

That Candy Man song is one of my all-time favs. It always makes the rotation at my parties.

ahh, matt, you stole my comment and my heart. Drop Dead Gorgeous is one of my fave movies ever. seriously.

What’s worse? “I Need Love” in plain English? or in Cantonese? My friend can translate and sing that song in Cantonese.. Ouch. That’s one for the brain right there.

Blogger (yes, I’m that lazy) doesn’t do trackback, so consider this a ping and the meme propagated .

I agree fully with the Melissa Manchester selection, and also love “Drop Dead Gorgeous.” However, when whatshername sang that song on the “American Idol” final, it really hurt. My only thought was to wonder how this song isn’t been banned under the Geneva Convention as Too Awful For Human Ears.

Take On Me - Aha (In my head 24/7… thanks mom)
Barbie Girl - Aqua (Ugh.. this is not music)
Total Eclipse of The Heart - Bonnie Tyler (Über-sappy.. too much sap)

re Candyman, that’s not so bad.
And Holiday Inn should pay for product placement
throughout the rap industry.

Her and her friend named Lyn and Vin.
They checked me in to the holiday in,

–

Today’s top40 peeve: that “Shit don’t stain” song.

the worst songs ever: Party All the Time -Eddie Murphy, Theme from Titanic, and Amazed by lone star (and pretty much every other country-crossove “hit”)

Back in the day people would link to a mp3
of the song under discussion.

Maybe Mr Biggs could mash something up for you ?

i looooove candyman! that song never fails to crack me up. “a tunnel of love is what i’m entering. when i mentioning you’re surrendering, givin’ it up like a good girl has to, livin’ it up, eventually you’ll ask to stay…”

if no one has told you yet, Cross Colors and the Running Man are from the 90’s and “I Need Love” was from the 80’s. By the 90’s, LL Cool J was pandering with “‘Round the Way Girl”.

Ernie, you’ve missed out on the greatest rap love song: Geto Boys - Gangster Of Love. Apologies in advance for not censoring the lyrics.

“Cause I don’t need a fuckin dummy
I need a bitch to lick nuts
until my dick is cummin’
And after that, you’ll earn your gloves
HA HA… Just call me the gangster of love.”

So touching.

Worst songs ever?
Can’t Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
Do Me - Bell Biv DeVoe
I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd
I Believe - Blessid Union of Souls (just their name is like nails on a chalkboard to me)
Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. There are a few more that I don’t know the name of from recent times (Tweety, Macy Gray, the first stuff from Outkast) that I hate with a burning passion.

I agree with some of the choices above as well.

There is nothing worse than being imprisoned with BAD music in a place you can’t get out of (like someone else’s car or at work!)

ARGH!!

i don’t even know who did it, and the fact that i THOUGHT of it will stick it in my head forever, but…”Brandy”.

Brandy, you’re a fine girl,
such a good wife you would be…

okay, now YOU’RE stuck with it too. if you’re old enough to know it, that is.

Come on now! I just posted about Don’t Cry Out Loud. I used to lip sync that song with *feeling* when I was 12 years old, thankyouverymuch! Hey that’s also the song that helped Diana DeGarmo “break out” hee.

I forgot to respond to that earlier comment. The piano recital song of the 80’s was Open Arms by Journey. Everyone I knew played that one in church at least once. Now there’s a song that’ll get stuck in your head!

That song from the six flags marine world commercial with the old guy dancing makes me want to go postal.

Man, it’s a whole genre you are gunning for. I don’t know if that counts as the worst song–Basically Ernie, you are knocking contemporary soul music. If you crack on one, you crack on all though.

Those songs are worth it though because they inspired the Beck parody…

“I want to get with you
Oh, and your sister
I think her name is Deborah…”

It’s the fake sincerity (if there is such a thing) that makes them both horrible and hilarious.

Sex (I’m a …) by Berlin. The lyrics (and graphic sound effects) are an embarrassment.

If you want to go way back in time, there’s The Night Chicago Died by Paper Lace.

But the top of the list from the bad old days of pop is (drum roll please) ….

Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks. Get that hideous piece of soulless tripe stuck in your head and it’s oven time.

Seasons In The Sun!! But I know all the words to that one…”Goodbye Papa it’s hard to die…when all the birds are singing in the sky…”

song that makes me want to hurt myself?

“I want know what love is….I want you to show me…”

shut the hell up already

I’m surprised no one has mentioned One Week by Barenaked Ladies. The sad thing is they clearly put a lot of work into that song. They expend so much energy at sucking. If only there were a way we could harness it, we could decrease our dependence on foreign oil.

Can I add a fourth head-in-the-oven song?

Billy Don’t Be a Hero.

My youth is scored by really bad pop. The 70s sucked in so many ways. These were just a few.

Tracy! Good God! That’s not JUST a song for sticking-your-head-in-the-oven!!! “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” (karaoke version here) is for drinking a Windex Martini and THEN sticking your head in the oven after lighting your hair on fire with your Bic lighter and some Aqua Net (after you’ve clubbed a cute baby seal. Of course.)

Yup, that pretty much describes life in the 70s.

hey hey.. no pickin’ on LL. like illa said: he pioneered the love rap sub-genre. besides, most rap in the late ’80s was cheesier than wisconsin. who remembers j.j. fad?

furthermore, (because i’m a stickler for such things), ll’s “i need love predates” cross colors by about half a decade, and the running man by a year or two. so that phrase should be “hearts of ladies wearing their adidas / reebok “$54.11s” / le coq sportif (since ll was a spokesman) and doing the wop” :-).

maybe if i write this down, the curse will magically be lifted…
i’ve had “monkey” by george michael in my head for several days now and i’m GOING NUTS!

hey, there’s always the luka bloom version of the llcoolj song. you know you want to hear it with an irish accent…

英国留学

strange foreign beauty, mltr..wtf?
uptown girl, anybody who tried to sing it better the befores…uugh…still hasnt worked guys!
unintended, muse…no no no no!!

My personal vote has to go to “Rock Me Amadeus”. I’m not even sure what language they are rapping in not to mention the fact that whoever thought of tying rap music to classical music VIA eighties music was purely brilliant.

Whoops. Did I write brilliant?. I meant deluded. My bad.

Nice blog.

Some of those are classics. They are chick songs that’s all. If you let your feminine side come out, you’ll like them also.