the time ernie was in a college reader
(The setting: 2:45pm, no less than five minutes after writing the previous weblog post. Dialogue, like always, only slightly completely exaggerated for humorous effect.)
Ernie: mumble mumble, stupid remote procedures not working properly, mumble mumble… (cellphone rings.) Hello?
Emi: You busy right now?
Ernie: Kinda. I’m in my cubicle. What’s up?
Emi: Take a smoke break. My friend is writing an article for the school magazine and she wants to interview you…
Ernie: (RAD! An interview about weblogging! This is gonna be awesome!)
Emi: … for an article about rice queens.
Ernie: Oh. Uh, okay. Sure.
(Fast forward 20 minutes, roughly the time it takes to walk from my cubicle to the closest smoke break area, seeing as I work at what is rumored to be the second largest office building in the nation behind the Pentagon. Emi hands the phone over to a very nice reporter.)
Reporter: So Emi tells me you’re a rice queen?
Ernie: Uhmm… well, a rice queen is a white guy who likes asians. If an asian is attracted to another asian, he’s sticky-rice, while if he’s attracted to white guys, he’s a potato-queen or a snow-queen, and ohmygod, how do I know all these terms when all my friends are straight?
Reporter: Gotcha. So what are you, then? Sticky-rice or snow-queen?
Ernie: Uhmm. I don’t know.
Reporter: You. Don’t. Know.
Ernie: I’ve only seriously dated one guy, and he was half-white, half-vietnamese. What does that make me?
Reporter: Hrm.
Ernie: Yeah.
Reporter: Okay then, next question. You know that gay Asian bar, the N’Touch? Have you ever been there?
Ernie: Uhmm… no. I go to the Cafe, where there is no cover and I watch my friends make out with each other.
Reporter: Eh. Good thing I get to interview 3 other guys.
Ernie: I’m sorry, what was that?
Reporter: I said, “it’s been a pleasure interviewing you.”
So much for being the poster boy to the gay asian male community. Sorry I let you down, guys.
