the two types of web developers
Working in an industry where job security isn’t a strong suit, I’ve been picking up some freelance work on the side.
Now, there are two types of web developers. There are the web developers that go to conferences that create social software, speak at conferences on the advantages of web standards, are an active voice in the fusion of technology and society. They almost always write books. Always.
The other type of web developer? They develop gay porn sites.
Last month, I became such a web developer. It all started innocently enough. (Person omitted to protect the innocent. Also, because of my tendency to exaggerate everything.)
X: Hey, a client just offered a web job for me, but I’m busy. Can you do it?
Ernie: No prob. What kinda site is it?
X: Gay porn.
Ernie: Nice. “Kinda busy,” huh? So you give the job to the gay boy.
X: It’s not like that.
Ernie: What, you can’t handle galleries of 19 year olds masturbating with showerheads for weeks at a time?
X: And you can?
Ernie: …
X: …
Ernie: E-mail me the tech specs, I’ll see what I can do.
X: Sucker! *click*
So what’s done is done, and while I can’t reveal the name of the actual website, I’ve spoke
my peace. Here are some thoughts:
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I handed the navigation and structure of the website, but also handled some of the database stuff. Yes, I was the back-end developer for a gay porn site. I’ll pause here, while you guys snicker and high-five each other for the gay porn/back-end joke. Ha ha fucking ha.
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You know how there are ghostwriters? Apparently, I’m a ghostdeveloper. As in, I am officially not the developer of the website. That title would belong to “Joey,” a 19-year old New York Italian stereotype who officially loves The Sopranos, skateboards and bottoming.
I wish I was exaggerating.
All I got to say is: if Joey was as experienced in PHP and mySQL as he was bottoming, then he’d have enough money to not take off his clothes in the first place. Know what I mean?
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<nerd humor>You know, I was very, very close to heeding Zeldman’s advice about web standards and making it the first gay porn site ever to use XHTML and CSS for layout and presentation. You know, accessibility, Section 508, the whole nine yards.
Then I realized: it’s a porn site. The page is going to take an hour to download thumbnail images anyway. So I gave up and used frames. I should have included the <FONT> tag, while I was at it.</nerd humor>
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One of the original functional requirements for the website was to add weblog functionality for the models. Can you just imagine?
"today i had a cheese sandwich and i scuked off 7 guys....omg dave matthews is on the radio i bought his album!!!!!"Open note to whoever created blogging: You did this. It’s all your fault.
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