Working in an industry where job security isn’t a strong suit, I’ve been picking up some freelance work on the side.
Now, there are two types of web developers. There are the web developers that go to conferences that create social software, speak at conferences on the advantages of web standards, are an active voice in the fusion of technology and society. They almost always write books. Always.
The other type of web developer? They develop gay porn sites.
Last month, I became such a web developer. It all started innocently enough. (Person omitted to protect the innocent. Also, because of my tendency to exaggerate everything.)
X: Hey, a client just offered a web job for me, but I’m busy. Can you do it?
Ernie: No prob. What kinda site is it?
X: Gay porn.
Ernie: Nice. “Kinda busy,” huh? So you give the job to the gay boy.
X: It’s not like that.
Ernie: What, you can’t handle galleries of 19 year olds masturbating with showerheads for weeks at a time?
X: And you can?
Ernie: …
X: …
Ernie: E-mail me the tech specs, I’ll see what I can do.
X: Sucker! *click*
So what’s done is done, and while I can’t reveal the name of the actual website, I’ve spoke
my peace. Here are some thoughts:
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I handed the navigation and structure of the website, but also handled some of the database stuff. Yes, I was the back-end developer for a gay porn site. I’ll pause here, while you guys snicker and high-five each other for the gay porn/back-end joke. Ha ha fucking ha.
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You know how there are ghostwriters? Apparently, I’m a ghostdeveloper. As in, I am officially not the developer of the website. That title would belong to “Joey,” a 19-year old New York Italian stereotype who officially loves The Sopranos, skateboards and bottoming.
I wish I was exaggerating.
All I got to say is: if Joey was as experienced in PHP and mySQL as he was bottoming, then he’d have enough money to not take off his clothes in the first place. Know what I mean?
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<nerd humor>You know, I was very, very close to heeding Zeldman’s advice about web standards and making it the first gay porn site ever to use XHTML and CSS for layout and presentation. You know, accessibility, Section 508, the whole nine yards.
Then I realized: it’s a porn site. The page is going to take an hour to download thumbnail images anyway. So I gave up and used frames. I should have included the <FONT> tag, while I was at it.</nerd humor>
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One of the original functional requirements for the website was to add weblog functionality for the models. Can you just imagine?
"today i had a cheese sandwich and i scuked off 7 guys....omg dave matthews is on the radio i bought his album!!!!!"Open note to whoever created blogging: You did this. It’s all your fault.
Niiiiiiiiice.
Ooh, I’m ITCHING to know what site it is. Sadly, it’s not worth googling for. But still! I burn with desire to know.
Gay porn.. Schmay Porn. I am a liberal who is working as a military contractor. Guess where my professional ethics are..IN THE BANK BABY!
ernie – no worries, man, it beats building websites for citibank.
a few years ago, me and my then-roomate also built a porn website.
as we passed joints back and forth and drank endless amounts of beer (home office perks) we joked that we should call our unofficial web development effort “double penetration” – for while he worked on the back end, i was busy with the front.
at one point my job was to make little penis bullet points that aimed at 10 reasons why you should become a ‘member’ (heh).
then there was my stint as the freelance photo editor of inside magazine (print version, now deceased), a media industry thing. for some reason i ALWAYS got the porn-related stories. i spent weeks looking at hentai, ordering porn DVDs, and watching it on my computer, at work, for pay. DVDs used to mysteriously disappear off my desk, and i’d have to send company-wide email – “Whoever removed “Anal Extravaganza XVI from my desk, please return it asap, no questions asked.”
So, have you also become an evil “pop-up ad” artist from this venture?
The website is surprisingly pop-up (and pop-under) free, thankfully.
Holycrap, gay porn, I LOVE IT! is it weird for chicks to dig gay porn? not that I do, uh, I’m asking for a friend, yeah that’s the ticket.
LOL…I’m laughing my ass off here. Welcome back Ernie!
2nd post and you’ve broken your XHTML strict… Well Done!
decay: bleh. who knew the BLOCKQUOTE tag would be so damn strict? double bleh. I’ll figure out how to get around this…
::still laughing at back-end joke::
Psshaw. Real men use XHTML 1.1. Ernie’s not alone in cashing in on the dark side of the web world, reliable sources indicate that the Cuban Council (K10K guys) is doing a porn site as well. Full of pixely pleasure.
Too funny. So, did you leave yourself a “back door” so that you can peruse the boys for free?
(Huh huh! He said “back door!” Huh huh huh!)
the website looks great man! and, once again, you have outted yourself as a pitcher… I knew it all along…
Well, if you couldn’t bring yourself to do valid XHML, could you at least do your part in steering porn sites away from all those damn gifs in nested tables that take so long to load? They take all the fun out of porn.
Don’t tell my sister that. And I always knew you had a lil itallian in you… (but i would have figured that was a top …to be IN you).
I think porn sites and their creators long ago stopped worrying about accessibility. Which is probably a good thing, maybe that will force people to upgrade their freaking browsers! (*frustrated graphic designer trying to develop for early netscape browsers*)
I don’t understand it. 7 minutes after you’ve posted, you have 16 comments. I get 16 comments if I maybe scrunch together 4 post’s worth of comments.
I am soooo glad you’re back, Ernie. I was really really missing you. Let me know if you need any help with future ventures into the porn industry. My husband’s been developing porn sites for a while now.
Did I mention THANK GOD ERNIE’S BACK!!! ? If I didn’t before, I did now. I missed you.
Should I feel bad that I could name three sites with full URLS of New York Italian Guys named Joey who enjoy the Sopranos and the freedom of wearing no pants in front of the camera?
I feel like a dirty old man. I’m going to cry in the shower.
Welcome to the evil porn guy club
I dont think I know anybody whose been a developer for a decent ammount of time that hasnt got sucked into doing a porn site at one time or another. heh.
Its good to have you back.
Funniest. Post. Ever.
You’re funny. I forgot how I found your site (link upon link upon link)… but you’re nice and funny. Pretty Ernie. Keep it up (no gay puns intended)!
I heard this morning on NPR a story about the rise of the “Audio Blog”, which voiced some peculation about possible uses for this new twist on the whole weblog phenomena.
And I’m thinking about porn sites.
And I’m feeling very, very sorry for web developers and pondering the possibilities of voice acting…
Hilarity.
Were I a web developer, I’d refuse all those porn jobs and firmly take the moral high ground.
Until right about the time my self control breaks and I tell myself that, yes, I really *do* need that digital camera that is juuust outside my budget.
Great to have you back, and welcome to Movable Type, the sinister underbelly of the blogging world.
Dear God, I missed you Ernie. This is so fucking hysterical, I’m laughing my ass off. Welcome back. Oh, and I love the new digs.
I have missed you SO much!!!
FRAMES?!?!?!??! Fuck, Ernie! Have you no soul? Christ almighty, man…You’re so kicked out of the Cool Webkid Club.
yo ernie,
where do you find all these cool sites? when did you start blogging after that long haitus?
One can only imagine what your mother would say.
But it would probably be in all caps with lots of exclamation points.
;-*
Jessica: you’re forgetting one thing, all caps, lots of exclamation points and… ITALICS!
Thank you. This has been the single greatest blog entry….ever.
Now if I can pull my self up off the floor.
It’s the economy
From little. yellow. different., an explanation about stars and not stars:Now, there are two types of web developers. There are…
Interesting.
yo yo soon to be a webmaster here!!!!
texas hold’em
The safest general characterisation of the European philosophical tradition is that it consists of a series of footnotes to Plato. by texas ho