The Weakest Link: The Tryouts
So, uhmm, yeah. I never made it to the Warped Tour, basically rendering my $33 ticket useless. That was bad. Why did I miss the Warped Tour? Because I spent the day at the Weakest Link auditions. Did I mention that I am now in the official contestant pool? That’s good.
You want more details? Okay. Word of warning though, this post is pretty damn long, and the lack of sleep makes me ramble at times:
Pre-Round 1: Get an e-mail from Andy at realityblurred.com. Apparently, he tried out for the audition in Chicago, but didn’t make it because he felt that his 10 second pre-quiz “introduction” wasn’t witty enough. I thank him and make a mental note of possible things to say.
Round 1: Me and Ken get to the Metreon at 9:45am. We meet up with Ki and his wife Michelle. Much time is spent noticing how disturbingly long the line is. 750 people, if I’m not mistaken. We round the corner and end up getting stickers which tells us what number we are in line and what time our quizzes will be, since they let in 125 people at a time for testing. I am number 520, and our test time was at 3:30pm. We find Kevin, and since he’s further up the line, his quiz time is an hour before ours. We spend the time bowling, having lunch with our friend Paris, buying a swank CD and meeting up with Min Jung, Belinda and JonJon. A couple of hours later, Kevin comes back from his testing and learns he got cut from the first round. Ken and I look at each other nervously, because Kevin is pretty damn smart. He did take pictures, however.
4:30pm rolls around, and the 125 of us FINALLY get seated for our quizzes. After filling out a 6 page application, a wireless microphone is passed around and we have 10 seconds to introduce ourselves. Taking Andy’s advice about being “witty,” I’m straight to the point:
Hi, I’m Ernie. I’m contestant #520, 24 years old and a webmaster from Cupertino, California. I’m applying for The Weakest Link because I’m too fat and slow to be on Survivor.
Polite laughter. Okay, now I’m an idiot. We take the 20 question quiz, and I answer a little over half the questions correctly. Do I know what an Italian appetizer of raw meat and sauce is called? How about the formal name for air sacs in lungs? Okay, now I’m an idiot and I’m screwed. We get a 10 minute break, this time bumping into Scott and Ian, here all the way from Minneapolis with a digital camera in hand. After taking embarrassing pictures of each other, we get back from our little break, and the proctor reads off twenty or so numbers in the low 600’s. And the number 520. Holy shit.
Round 2: The 25 of us left are ushered into a second room, where we get polaroids taken of ourselves and actual nametags instead of numbers. (”Ernie, huh? Where’s Bert?” “Hey, that’s funny. I’ve never heard that before.” “Seriously?” “No.”) Small talk with some of the other people who made the cut, and I soon learn that not only am I one of the youngest guys there, but practically half the group consists of attorneys. Me and a bunch of lawyers. Mmm. Great.
They line us up 8 people at a time, and give everyone an on-camera interview under giant spotlights. One girl describes herself as “the only Republican living in San Francisco,” and has a story of her and Dubya to show for it. Another guy translates Japanese short stories to English. He finds it relaxing. Then it gets to me.
Casting lady: Tell me about yourself, Ernie.
Ernie: Hi, I’m Ernie. I’m 24 years old and a webmaster from Cupertino, California. I’m applying for The Weakest Link because I’m too fat and slow to be on Survivor. That, and I is tryin’ to represent my AZiAN peeps, know what I’m sayin, muthafucka? I don’t see a lot of Asian males on the show, so I decided to try out for the show.
Casting lady: Mmm. That’s nice. You might want to check out the next episode or two. You might see some of “your people.” NEXT!
Okay, that was mildly paraphrased. But you get the gist. Why did I never bring up the weblog? My fascination with the internet? The fact that I go to one of those crazy “raves” that people talk about on 20/20 Dateline NBC? Hindsight is 20/20 Dateline 20/20, I guess.
So everything is done, right? Wrong. Next, we have to play a mock round. Now, let me tell you something � it might be pretty easy to answer trivia questions, but try answering those same trivial questions surrounded by lawyers and having giant spotlights shining on you and staring at a giant digital eye with a blinking red light underneath. No, no pressure at all.
I did, however, shine at one moment of the game � the part where you vote people off. In the mock game, we were to write who we wanted voted off, hold them up to the camera and explain why we wanted them off. Well, this one guy, a poet by profession, missed a pretty basic question about Haagen-Daaz. When it was my turn to vote, I showed his name for the camera and said, almost word for word:
“I’m voting for Vince, because I’m all about the Haagen-Daaz. That, and I ain’t feelin his [hideous green-and-white horizontal shirt with cheesy alligator logo] shirt, knowwhatI’msayin?”
Yes, that is exactly what I said, urban-influenced speech and all. I still don’t know why I said it like that. I think the casting lady started laughing and I got nervous laughter from all the other contestants. Poor Vince was a good sport about it, but left the room pretty quickly once the round was over. Am I usually a catty bitch? I try not to be � but if it’s going to get me on TV, where I’ll promptly get shut down by a British lady, so be it.
So what happens now: I’m not 100% sure, actually. I’m in the contestants pool. The powers that be will see my interview on video, and if they like me they will call me, at any time, from the end of July to around October. If they call me, I fly to New York, spend the next day filming an episode and the day after flying home. And if they don’t call me, it’s perfectly OK. It makes for a great party story, and I have Andy to thank for making it this far, not to mention my friends for coming with me.
And now, I must pass out from exhaustion.
