Things I have been coerced into watching or buying, solely because I am Asian-American, Part 2
Stir TV, “A fast-paced, half-hour, magazine-style TV show … on the latest trends in their culture; fashion, music, sports, gaming - anything and everything affecting Asian Americans.”
*sigh* Of course it is.
My friend told me to TiVo an episode after gushing over how hot one of the hosts is. “Dude, Sabrina Shimada is fucking HOT, man!” Not that it gives me any incentive to record a television show, of course, but hey, a show about Asian Americans on the International Channel? I haven’t seen an Asian American on syndicated cable since they put an Asian guy on The Real World!
Oh wait, they haven’t yet. My bad.
Female Asian American Host: Hi, I’m your adorable female host!
Male Asian American Host, with gelled bleach-tipped fauxhawk: Yo, our show today is jam packed with entertainment. It’s off the heezy fo’ sheezy! That means, “off the hook for sure.”
(Editors note: It should be said that I typed what the male host said almost verbatim. Crazy hair and clothes aside, he looks like he should be a Chemical Engineering student at UC Riverside, and I visualize the producers coaxing him the correct way of saying “heezy fo’ sheezy” before taping starts. Somewhere in my head, my brain cells are attempting to commit mass suicide.)
Female Host: First off on Stir, we have a Chinese American foreign exchange student who became a pop sensation in the Peoples Republic of China! But first, here’s an exclusive interview with a girl who came to America to learn English and became one of the hottest import models around!
Ernie: (attempts to suffocate himself in pillow)Asian Import model: …Basically, I sit in the booth and represent the cars. In Japan, I was never model material because I was too short. For those who want to become models, I say to them…
(Ernie pauses the TiVo)
Ernie: “be true to yourself.”
(Ernie unpauses the TiVo)Import model: “be true to yourself, and never give up on your dreams.”
Nice. And again, the overactive imagination kicks in… now.
(The scene: a Japanese classroom full of eight year olds. As with all of Ernie’s imaginary sequences involving Japanese classrooms, the kids are speaking in Japanese with English subtitles underneath.)
Teacher: We will now go from student to student and have them answer the following question: What would you like to be when you grow up. Daisuke?
Daisuke: I would like to be a salaryman. To pass out on a crowded subway car and to pass out from alcohol with my co-workers in the middle of the night, I would like that very much.
Teacher: And you, Eri?
Eri: I would like to seductively pose over lowered Honda Civics.
Everyone: WHAAAA?!(Insert flashing Japanese word for “WHAAA?!” here)
Teacher: Eri, you are too short to be a mod-
Eri: THAT IS NOT TRUE! JUST YOU SEE! I WILL MOVE TO AMERICA, AND I WILL BE TRUE TO MYSELF AND NEVER GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS!(Cut to classroom being blown up by Voltron)
Nope. No brain cells left. None at all.
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