This weekend, after weeks of working late nights, I went to the Lone Star, a bear bar in San Francisco. For those not familiar with gay bear subculture, it’s, for the most part, a bunch of older guys with goatees and beards wearing flannel and urinating on each other. Admittedly, there’s some exaggeration – they’re not always peeing on each other – but anyone who’s gone there knows what I’m talking about. And I, like the token Asian person that I am, sit in the back of the bar feeling as out of place as humanly possible.
But hey, that’s any gay bar I go to. Besides, I have friends that regularly go there and it gives me blog fodder. Take the conversation I had with my friend Giacamo for example, about a classified ad website for bears:
E: … Ugh. I can just imagine the profile names. GayBearSF. GayCubSF. WoofieCub. WoofCubSF69.
G: You know what kills me, though? They have these status messages, right? “Bear4Friends.” “Bear4Love.” “Bear4Sex.”
E: Sure.
G: So, I see this one profile, and it says Bear4Friends. You know, “Hi, I just moved to the city, just looking for some friends.” So, why is his main profile picture a giant photograph of his asshole?
E: (Ernie spits out his Zima)
G: Right?
E: Like it’s zoomed in and talking to you? “Hello, I enjoy long walks on the beach and backgammon.”
G: Exactly. So the profile gets updated with a couple more pictures, and I realize it’s a GODDAMN FRIEND OF MINE.
E: Shut the fuck up.
G: IT’S LIKE, HELLO? I DON’T WANNA SEE THAT. I’M ALREADY FRIENDS WITH YOU. I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS FRIENDS WITH YOUR ASSHOLE, TOO. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR COOKIE.
E: “Cookie?”
G: Cookie.
(A part of me feels bad for the people reading this weblog, hoping to learn something about Decentralized Social Networks. Oh, they’ll learn something.)
I’m definitely keeping my cookie in its jar after that.
I love you, Ernie. I love you a lot.
I will never think of cookies in quite the same way again. Especially those Samoas from the Girl Scouts.
Cookie? Hmm, gay bars *are* decentralized social networks, aren’t they? Just not e-networks.
/*sheepish grin*/ Was it a chocolate chip cookie?
I just had to ask.
Urinating on each other? And as for the rest of that post… geez, Ernie, I haven’t even had breakfast yet! Oh well, so much for that!
That’s just nasty. A Zima?! LOL
Last time I visit on a weak, gurgling stomach.
I’ve actually been to the Lone Star and I would have to agree with your description of it. The only reason I was there, was for a fund raiser beer/bust. I don’t think I’ve ever been back…I can’t drink so much beer anymore.
Makes me wish I had bear bars to go to.
Mmmmmm… cookie….
which is more shocking?
(1) ernie drinks zima
(2) zima still exists
(3) eric learns new definition for cookie
OK, exaggeration admittal time: I wasn’t really drinking a Zima, but it’s butcher cousin, the Shmirnoff Ice. Both of which are clear, are malt beverages and contain sulfites which turn me bright red, so I figured it was passable.
Ernie, you are allowed, if only for the increase in comedy.
Witness:
“G: So, I see this one profile, and it says Bear4Friends. You know, “Hi, I just moved to the city, just looking for some friends.” So, why is his main profile picture a giant photograph of his asshole?
E: (Ernie spits out his Shmirnoff Ice)”
OR
“G: So, I see this one profile, and it says Bear4Friends. You know, “Hi, I just moved to the city, just looking for some friends.” So, why is his main profile picture a giant photograph of his asshole?
E: (Ernie spits out his Zima)”
No doubt about it … Zima is waaaaay funnier. Comedic license totally allowed.
Nice to know I’m not the only one with a funky sulfite allergy.
Ernie… you just rock man.
You know what’s funny? We read a lot of children’s books around here and they all have bears in them and somehow this just makes that all the more interesting.
Ewwww, that’s disgusting!!!!….Zima, Ernie?
I’m really, really glad I disabled that ‘bear4[insert selection here]‘ option on my profile now.
And peeing on each other? Um, gross. No Lone Star for me.
Right on about the “4friends” thing. It’s so true. I also adore the ads that mention they are in totally monogamous relationships and then present us with a picture of their throbbing package, that’s my personal fav!
I’m not even friends with my OWN asshole, never mind someone else’s…
The whole psychology behind choosing a User Name fascinates me. It’s like looking through someone’s CD collection when you first start dating them: you can learn a lot. I’ve come across “The Angry Inch”, “Fluffylove”, and “nailchipped” only this morning. I already feel like I know enough about these people to marry, betray, and divorce them just from their names alone.
Don’t you agree? Of COURSE you do, darling.
But these Bear names all start to run together like a whore’s mascara after awhile… What distinguishes “BearFur” from “CubStud” from “FuzzBear” from “BearFuzz” from “StudBear”? Am I missing some subtlety here?
I’ve exhausted myself. And wasn’t it worth it?
Do stop by http://citricritic.blogspot.com, won’t you? I really enjoyed your blog and would like to link, but I never do without a blessing.
See ya soon.
Citrus.
“…it’s, for the most part, a bunch of older guys with goatees and beards wearing flannel and urinating on each other. Admittedly, there’s some exaggeration – they’re not always peeing on each other.”
What you mean is, they’re not always wearing flannel. Sometimes they wear boots – only boots, mind you – but they always urinate on each other. Or fist each other.
oh, you’re still bloggin all this time !
what is a bear in a japanese plantation forest?
Ya know, I was gonna get kind of offended by the “bears love to pee on each other” thing, but it’s true. If you see guy’s profile and he’s at least mildly hairy, he wants to be peed on.
It’s kinda weird that I never noticed that before.
When I read “blog fodder” it came out as Fog Blodder in my mind. Hehehe. Fog Blodder