little. yellow. different. A weblog by Ernie Hsiung

this isn’t pork

This Valentines weekend was spent at Grasshopper - an upscale restaurant down the street that specializes in Asian Fusion Tapas.

Asian Fusion Tapas. Only in California, right?

For those that aren’t familiar to either Fusion food or Tapas, Fusion combines the exotic foods of the Orient with the comforting foods of America - foods like avocados and mayonnaise and… uhm…. avocados and mayonnaise. Fusion food has been made popular by Ming Tsai, the only Asian chef with a cooking show that doesn’t have a contrived Asian accent like some other Asian TV chefs we know.

Well fuck that - I could make Fusion food of my own, and I can barely make a bowl of cereal.

• Buy pork buns from Ranch 99. Add avocado. Charge $12.
• Stir-fry some Chinese broccoli, bought at Ranch 99. Burn some Raspberry jam on the stove, serve next to the broccoli as a “reduction sauce” and serve with a sprig of mint. Charge $15.
• Buy a roast duck from Oakland Chinatown. Sprinkle liberally with old breadcrumbs left over from Thanksgiving with a side of pesto. Purchase several small villages with the profits I make.

Tapas, on the other hand, are small plates of food, used in the old days as a way to cover glasses of wine. The word “tapas” is also Spanish for the phrase “Smaller portions of food at higher prices.”

Now, you should know that my boyfriend is a picky eater - very much a meat and potatoes type of guy. Me on the other hand, I’m Chinese, which means I will pretty much eat anything with legs that doesn’t run away from me at the kitchen table.

Boyfriend: What’s this?
Me: It’s Ahi Poke, served with asian pear and cucumber. Try it, it’s hella good.
BF: But what is it?
Me: It’s pork. Try it.

(BF tries it. He makes a face.)

BF: This isn’t pork.
Me: Okay, I lied. It’s raw tuna salad.
BF: (look of death)
Me: What? It’s hella good. And you wouldn’t have tried it otherwise. Happy Valentines Day!

(In hindsight: I cap on the Asian Fusion tapas, but in all honesty, Grasshopper is a really good restaurant and I do recommend it if you’re in the area - the genre of food is easy to make fun of, that’s all. I could go for some pork buns with avocado too - that makes me a cultured person. Or a pregnant woman.)

I will eat your boyfriend’s ahi poke!

Um, no, wait.

That sounded pervy… I take it back!

I won’t touch your bf’s ahi poke!

jozjozjoz is known for eating people’s ahi poke behind their backs…but do they enjoy it while she’s eating.

do they even notice?

I could make a pregnant panda bear Ling Ling joke but I … oh shit… there I go again, huh.

You know you need to go to bed when you read that and think when it said “I could go for some pork buns with avocado too - that makes me a cultured person. Or a pregnant woman.” it REALLY said “I could go for some pork buns with avocado too. Or a pregnant woman.”

bedtime!

What, you are gay? Damn, I never realised that.

Hey there! Asian fusion tapas is my all-time favorite.
Try Raku in Dupont Circle if you’re ever in DC.
My favorite Asian/American comfort food combo is the “bagel” sushi roll–only on the EAST coast, eh?

you said “hella”… wow, i guess it’s been a long time since i’ve been in the bay area. ;-P

WHEN ARE WE TAKING MATTE TO DIM SUM?!?!?!

That’s how i got sucked into trying tripe during my first dim sum experience. “Try it, then we’ll tell you what it is.” I tried it, concealed my expression … waited until another friend tried it. As soon as he put it in his mouth (he was watching my reaction) I said ” HA HA!” bleh ptooey icky!

GIANT LADYBUGS SERVING UP FRESH JOZJOZJOZ ON A PLATTER!

That just about sums up all I can remember from my slumberly dreams last night. Hmmph! To all those picking on me via IM about my Ladybug Saga™ last night: STOP CALLING ME A WUSSY GIRL! You’d think that it…

“Me on the other hand, I’m Chinese, which means I will pretty much eat anything with legs that doesn’t run away from me at the kitchen table”

Dude. That’s so perfect. That’s the new Chinese motto for 2004.

Actually, in Spain the tapas are generally cheaper than regular food. They also tend to be a lot like fried bar food, at similar prices, but smaller portions. I have no idea why America has decided tapas are some kind of hoity toity yuppy food. Basically, it’s drunk food, pure and simple.

My boyfriend and I went to an Asian Tapas place for V-Day as well. Did you walk away hungry and wanting to go spend ten buck at a Taco Cabana across the street?

You forgot to mention how you ruined food for Jen and Paris, cuz grasshopper was so good all food after that will taste like Microwavable. Also you didn’t mention Paris’s repeated orgazims at the dinner table every time he ate something. And how bout getting hit on at the Lone Star????

I’ll stop now before he breaks up with me :***(

HA HA! I despise Yan from Yan Can Cook. Can you BE MORE of a bad stereotype realized? Grrrrr.

OMG what i wouldnt give for some Ahi Poke right now! And some Malasadas, Manju, Haupia, ugh… Anyways, i wanna be there to see Matte at Dim Sum, altho i wont be eating any of it. Trying to get him to eat chicken feet would be comedic gold.

Quote:
“Me on the other hand, I’m Chinese, which means I will pretty much eat anything with legs that doesn’t run away from me at the kitchen table”

Dude. That’s so perfect. That’s the new Chinese motto for 2004.

–

But it’s true since the dawn of time!!! We Chinese are very daring!

hey, i bought Yan Can Cook’s rice cooker a few years ago, and it’s served me very well. though i realize now that i could’ve bought the same rice cooker for 15 bucks less if it didn’t have Yan’s name and face on the box. Yan is to rice cookers what Calvin Klein is to cheap underwear.

what about chicaron and cheesesteak sandwich. lol.

i love shopping at ranch99. lots of pretty asian girls to ogle.

Why is dim sum not Asian tapas? Is there some kind of special definition of tapas going on here–On your definition it seems like maybe each little order is not expensive enough in dim sum.

But seriously Ernie your recipes made me hungry. They sounded good! But then I am a pregnant woman.

I thought the food at Grasshopper was great and I really do love tapas, but the cheap ghetto girl in me always wants to scream out, “YOU’RE CHARGING ME $10 FOR TWO PIECES OF CHICKEN?!”

Mm hungry. Pregnant women like tapas, ok, now I know!
If we put guacamole on the tapas, what is it called? asian fusion mexican tapas? fusion sombreros?

I read that to a friend who suggested it probably tastes like cunt. Pshaw.

I am so with the boyfriend on this one. Interesting food is gross.

Where do you buy poke ahi tuna around here (in the Bay Area), anyway? In Hawaii, the poke flows freely by the bucket, in stores as diverse as, well, Foodland and Costco. I’ve yet to see it outside of a sushi roll around here.

Speaking of which, I could eat poke by the bucket. Tapeworms be damned!

is there a Marukai in the bay area? the one in Gardena imports lots of stuff from hawaii, including poke. in fact, there’s a Hawaiian Airlines cargo crate the size of a small house sitting in their parking lot. oooo, i’m thinking of stowaway plans.

I have to say that this was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I particularly loved, “Purchase several small villages with the profits I make.” Amazing.

Um, Ernie, how does one give the look of death in Mandarin?