uncle sam is a catty bitch
“So self,” you ask yourself. “I wonder how Ernie’s weekend went.”
(The scene: Ernie is sitting at his computer and a copy of TurboTax.)
Ernie: Okay… add these W-2 Forms… find a paystub, since I am missing a W-2… don’t forget these 1099’s… crap, my dad sold a bunch of my stock. Ahwell, add all that up and it comes to…
Uncle Sam: Hello, Ernie.
Ernie: Ohmygod. I owe $850.
Uncle Sam: No, you don’t owe $850. You owe $8,500. Eight COMMA five zero zero.
Ernie: That can’t be right.
Uncle Sam: Well, you DID enter everything. Multiple times. And then re-installed the tax software the third time, just to make sure. Face the music, Leona.
Ernie: Ohmygod. I wasn’t expecting to pay this much in taxes. I haven’t accounted for any tax-deductable items yet, though. Won’t that help?
Uncle Sam: Honey, you could deduct the GNP of a third-world nation and it wouldn’t help.
Ernie: *pause* Did you just call me honey?
Uncle Sam: Girl, how else am I gonna get away with wearing these fabulous red-and-white striped pants? Oops, gotta go do something… patriotic.
Ernie: I really have to stop drinking coffee.
Hello? H&R Block?
