Things I wanted to blog about but never could, but now will because I’m going to get laid-off here anyway:
There’s this person that works in my building. He’s a Java programmer in his mid-forties and sits Indian-style on his swivel chair. He has a mop of white hair, giant glasses that exaggerate his eyes and has no lips. No lips! How fucking creepy is that? One time, he was looking for my cubicle neighbor and when he wasn’t there, stood outside my cubicle and leered at me, with his no-lips and giant glasses. I felt like one of those Japanese schoolgirls that get groped on the Tokyo subway, but don’t have the heart to freak out or scream because society tells everyone to ignore them.
I call him “Woodsy, the child-molesting Owl.”
I’ve only directly worked with him once: one time, during his first week of work here, he barged into my cubicle and demanded that I create an icon for him. Nevermind that I’m not really a graphics designer. “Well, I was told you make things pretty, and I need a 10×10 icon that represents the SOAP protocol by the end of the hour.” And off he waddled to talk to someone else, probably scaring the living bejesus out of them.
I went into Photoshop, made a 10-pixel wide image of a circle, and e-mailed it to him with the subject line of “bubble.” SOAP this, creepy mutherfucker.
Wow. I feel a lot better now.
You know, I saw this shallow, overhyped program called “Extreme Makover” a couple of months ago. One of the participants was a young African-American woman whose lips never stopped growing. No matter how widely she would smile, they would sort of flop down and cover her teeth.
To make a long story short, she had them cut off, and was happy – but think of the organ donation possibilities! This might be just the thing for Woody – a donor pair of lips.
There was a point to this when I started typing.
your icon sucks.
you people with lips just think your all that, don’t you!?
Whoa… we got some anger and frustration management issues, don’t we?
wow creepy. but i’ve observed that most ‘hard-core’ java developers have a lack of social skills anyway. i mean, if this no lips guy is coding SOAP (on a rope HA HA) things, then you can probably lump him into that hard-core java group. i know because theres a guy thats kinda like that. java developer, with a lack of social skills to function in the world.
Hey: but I sit cross-legged on my office chair. Should I feel somehow dirty?
Hey! You’re offending owls everywhere!
the world is so big yet so small – just saw your 6/22 link to kc and shannon’s website. i *do* know them! they lived in the same dorm as I did at sjsu. so yeah.. big woop to everyone reading this i’m sure
Hey Ern,
I think a picture is in order for your audience to truly judge if this guy is indeed a freaky mutated clone of Einstein with an Owl.
Alright, Ernie! Let it all out!
Now, about that “I was told you make things pretty”…you are gay, after all. Aren’t we all naturally endowed (so to speak) with the ability to make things pretty?
I cried because I had no teeth.
But then I met a man with no lips.
Jess. I wish it were so. I once wore a striped shirt with plaid shorts out to school. I caught my reflection in the window of my building as I was walking up to class… O… M… G… I just went home.
It made sense while I was getting dressed.
Never fails to amuse
Whenever I’ve had an insanely boring day at the office (such as today) I turn to Ernie. I’ve spent the
What simple joy the deep truth of your post has brought me this day. Love it.
“I was told you make things pretty”? Are you sure this guy wasn’t asking for a makeover or something?
(And I agree with Larry, you should take a picture of this guy. Just run up to him, snap a flashbulb in his face, shriek “I’M GONNA MAKE YOU PRETTY, OWLFACE!” and run away laughing hysterically. And then retouch the photo in Photoshop and send him a copy.)
so who wants to start hire-ernie.com with me?
Romy: I swear to god, I just choked up my ice tea when I read the sentence “I’M GONNA MAKE YOU PRETTY, OWLFACE.” Everyone at the coffeehouse is looking at me weird, now.
God as my witness, that’s going to be LYD’s new tagline. Or something.
i don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have lips. where are their lips? why are they hiding them? what else are they hiding?!? i can’t stand it; it drives me crazy.
woodsy the child molesting owl! fuck that would be one hell of a saturday morning special.
how many licks does it take to get the…
nope. not gonna go there.
So how were the vegan cookies at the Nomad Cafe? (bleah! makes me shudder just thinking about them)
Nicole Kidman has no lips. Ever tried pouting with no lips? No wonder she won an Oscar!
Ok, this is in reference to your mini-blog; is that Christian website (reference: The Homosexual Handshake) for real?! Oh. My. God. These people are f*cking CRAZY.
Ernie,
I’m no tech head, but I was on the Williams Sonoma site the other day (Bay Area Based) and they were looking for IT and web people. I think?
Loyal Reader
Mike Lee
Have you ever seen people with no chin? Literally no chin? Freaky…
Hmm. Interesting… I think this guy worked up here in Edmonton as a copy writer. All no lips, big glasses and turtlenecked.
He’s changed his style, but still has that creepy je ne sais quoi quality about him that gives you the willies.
I’m with donut — the no chin thing scares me a lot more than the no lips thing.
These people just have heads perched on the end of their necks, like creepy little snakeworm people.
they want to eat my soul.
No, the Landover Baptists are an excellent satire.
ROFL!
I need to be like you! I don’t tell half the people about themselves as I ought to.
Thanks for the larf.