Every other weekend or so, my friend - let's call him "D" for the sake of anonymity - spends the night at our place. You see, every so often, his roommate throws bisexual sex parties in his apartment, and things get awkward. Sometimes, it can be inconvenient to step over a threesome while you're washing dishes or side-stepping the giant sling while returning from the laundromat. You know how it is.
"You know," I said to him, "you have just as much of a right to the apartment as he does."
"Yeah," he says. "But he pays more rent than I do." And that was that.
Hey, who am I to argue? At least it makes for some entertaining conversations over dinner.
D: So, my roommate installed a glory hole in his bedroom closet door.
You know, that sentence uttered anywhere else in the country would send people running to their local confessional booth. In our house, though, we don't even bat an eye. Welcome to California. Anyway:
Ernie: A Gloryhole. In the closet. So you're watching TV, and all you hear are these drilling noises like it's no big deal?
D: Something like that.
Paris, the roommate: Wouldn't, uhm, splinters be an issue?
D: Nope. The door isn't too thick; it was bought at IKEA.
Ernie & Paris: ...
Paris: What was the door called? BLOJAAB?
Ernie: You need an umlaut over the A's. BLOJÄÄB.
D: Okay, guys, I get the joke.
Paris: Don't forget the slash over the O, so it's BLØJÄÄB.
Ernie: On a personal note, I find the name KØKSÜCKIR much more...
D: Stop it.
Now, many of you will feel bad for the perfectly good closet door with a hole drilled through it so a penis can be put through the orifice. That's because you're crazy - it's a door. It has no feelings—besides, the new one is much nicer.1
2025 Ernie here, wondering if you knew the original 2002 IKEA commercial had a sequel?! Because I sure sure didn’t. For the 23-year-olds reading this newsletter, a “commercial” is when they take a break during “network broadcasts” to show products. You know, like TikTok!