(An Actual Blog Post I Wrote This Month, 23 Years Ago)

I was 25 then. Man, I had a lot of... energy.

Posted 5/20/2002:

Thank God FOX announces its new show line-up in advance. Otherwise, there would be nothing funny to write about.

I was today years old in 2025 when I learned Bill Bellamy, the MTV VJ, was in this show.

Fastlane (Wednesday 9 p.m.), which follows two lead-footed cops who take down criminals in Los Angeles. Tiffani Thiessen (90210) and Peter Facinelli (The Scorpion King) wear the badges.

(Script: Baywatch chick runs after some drug dealer down Rodeo Drive. She shoves the drug dealer on the hood of a rented convertible.)
Baywatch chick: HOLD IT, RIGHT THERE! You have the right to remain...
(Their eyes meet.)
Baywatch chick: Sexy.
(Baywatch chick proceeds to make out with drug dealer. Shows ratings go through roof. Ernie proceeds to eat crow.)

Joss Whedon (Buffy The Vampire Slayer) is the brains behind Firefly (Friday 8 p.m.), a one-hour sci-fi adventure series about “cowboys of the future” set 800 years from today.

“Joss, baby. It’s Buzz, your agent. I've got a great script I want you to come in and read for. And don't forget about tomorrow — you're scheduled to audition for the used car commercial with the chimpanzee at three in the afternoon. Call me, babe. *click*”¹

Alas, there is no poster because the series was canceled shortly after the announcement. So ChatGPT designed this. Oh, ChatGPT, you almost got it.

The winter trio of Thursday shows includes Septuplets, about a family with seven kids all about to turn 16.

I can read this from a million miles away.

Jenny: "DADDY!! TELL JENINE, JENNA, AND JILLIAN TO LEAVE ME ALONE!! I'M ON MY PERIOD!"
Jenine: "SHUT UP, YOU SLUT! I'M ON *MY* PERIOD!"
Josephine, Jenna, Jillian, Justine, and Joanie in unison, of course: "WE ARE, TOO!"
(Girls get in a catfight and/or makeout session as they push each other off the stairs)

Actually, since it's debuting on the Fox network, there will be a giant pool of baby oil at the bottom. And they're all wearing bikinis. Then they'll all vote each other off, and the winner gets married to a millionaire and gets facial surgery to look like a Swan! You know how it is.

1. 2025 Ernie came here to say this: Okay, I was wrong in this one. So very wrong.