Aside from his dementia, his expectations are those of an old man whose thinking was shaped by a world that didn't allow deviation from certain very rigid expectations. He was stuck in that thinking, and you should do your best to set it all aside. He loved you in the ways he could, but his desires for what a son should look like allowed nothing for who you were born to be or what you want out of life. That attitude was wrong, but it's the thinking he was trapped in. You couldn't change that, so try to shrug it off. He loved you in his way.
You know what? I think you pretty much nailed it. I don't really get the memo until too late in life. It's a shame he wasn't just stubborn, but endlessly... persistent.
Perhaps mine is not the best approach, but regarding parental expectations, particularly those of idiosyncratically conservative parents, I've always figured that they have an imaginary son that they think is real, and are constantly and irrevocably upset that I keep pretending to not be this imaginary person. Yeah, this hurts, and I know that they'll never see me, like, the current person who is me, as their actual, real son, because that is someone who only exists in their imagination. But it also lets me move on with my life, after a fashion, because I can't be responsible for their delusions.
Then again, here I am, talking about it. Fuck, I dunno, Ernie.
It sucks, right? I wouldn't recommend my working solution of "just have one develop dementia and ride it out" as that goes as well as you think. Also: xoxo
Your writing is so beautiful. I work in dementia research. My spouse is almost certainly going to develop dementia based on family history. Please don't delete these posts because future me is going to read them over and over again.
Great Closing Line !
Sorry for your loss
Aside from his dementia, his expectations are those of an old man whose thinking was shaped by a world that didn't allow deviation from certain very rigid expectations. He was stuck in that thinking, and you should do your best to set it all aside. He loved you in the ways he could, but his desires for what a son should look like allowed nothing for who you were born to be or what you want out of life. That attitude was wrong, but it's the thinking he was trapped in. You couldn't change that, so try to shrug it off. He loved you in his way.
You know what? I think you pretty much nailed it. I don't really get the memo until too late in life. It's a shame he wasn't just stubborn, but endlessly... persistent.
Perhaps mine is not the best approach, but regarding parental expectations, particularly those of idiosyncratically conservative parents, I've always figured that they have an imaginary son that they think is real, and are constantly and irrevocably upset that I keep pretending to not be this imaginary person. Yeah, this hurts, and I know that they'll never see me, like, the current person who is me, as their actual, real son, because that is someone who only exists in their imagination. But it also lets me move on with my life, after a fashion, because I can't be responsible for their delusions.
Then again, here I am, talking about it. Fuck, I dunno, Ernie.
It sucks, right? I wouldn't recommend my working solution of "just have one develop dementia and ride it out" as that goes as well as you think. Also: xoxo
Your writing is so beautiful. I work in dementia research. My spouse is almost certainly going to develop dementia based on family history. Please don't delete these posts because future me is going to read them over and over again.
Hey there -- thanks for coming by, no plans to take them down on my accord any time soon; come back when you need to :)