“So self,” you ask yourself. “I wonder how Ernie met his DJ guy that he’s exclusively dating right now.” And I would say something like, “It’s a really interesting story, but to make a long story short, we met on the Internet.”
To which you would say, “Uhm, you guys met on the Internet? That’s pretty, uhm, not interesting.”
And then I’d say, “Let me tell the whole story, buckeroo.”
A couple of months ago, I responded to an online personal ad. I e-mail him, and we exchange the typical introductory e-mails. So far, so good. “Do you have any photographs of yourself?” he asks. Sure, I do, and I send a photo as an attachment. Now, when I send a photograph to someone I meet on a personal ad, I usually get one of the following responses:
“Oh, you’re Asian. Sorry, not interested.”
“Oh, I’m attracted to Asians, but you’re too fat. Sorry, not interested.”
“I AM REALLY INTO ASIANS THEY ARE SO SMOOTH. CAN YOU PLEASE COME OVER? MY WIFE WILL BE BACK IN 2 HRS!!!!!”
I imagined this guy would be no different. So imagine my shock when the guy responds with this:
“Hey, you look familiar. You didn’t graduate from El Cerrito High School in 1994, did you?”
Random tangent time, for all you video gamers out there: Does anyone out there play Metal Gear Solid? You know that moment where Solid Snake tries to sneak up on a guard, but if he fucks up and makes a sudden noise, a giant exclamation point pops up over the guard’s head, with that sound of sudden alarm?
That was me. I was the exclamation point guy.
Anyway, back to the story. We trade pictures and figure out that, yep, we went to the same high school, although we didn’t talk much. And hell no, we didn’t know the other person was gay. This, however, made for the world’s best first date conversation:
Mike: You know, we went to the same junior high, right?
Ernie: Sure.
Mike: You wrote in my yearbook, too. Shattered my dreams of becoming a baseball player.
Ernie: Bullshit.
Mike: Nope, I’m serious! You signed my yearbook in junior high. Take a look.(Mike, out of nowhere, pulls out our JUNIOR HIGH YEARBOOK from 1989. 1989, for the love of god! Paula Abdul was gushing her love to an animated cat instead of wannabe male popstars half her age.)
Mike: (reading out of yearbook, in mocking tone) “Dear Mike! You actually think you’ll be playing for the Oakland A’s?! GET REAL!!!”
Ernie: …
Mike: Yep. And you drew a computer right next to your name. See?
Ernie: Foreshadowing. Fan-fucking-tastic.
So yeah. I scoured the internet for a possible boyfriend, and he ended up living ten minutes away from me. Life is weird like that.
1989?! I don't think anyone was even alive that long ago! ;-)