The 4AM Doorbell Olympics: How to Lose Sleep and Alienate Neighbors
Adulthood is mostly about ignoring things that make noise.
4:03 AM
The first ring is always the worst. It’s 4:03 a.m. and the doorbell slices through the Fremont silence like a toddler with a kazoo at a funeral. I’m wide awake, naturally, because sleep is for people with normal circadian rhythms and fewer regrets. I’m vertical—or at least diagonal—on my couch, scrolling through some Reddit thread about whether or not penguins have knees, and the doorbell hits like a jump scare in a movie you forgot you were watching.
Then it rings again. And again. Marcus1. Of course, it’s fucking Marcus.
The Marcus Problem
Here’s the thing about Marcus: I have extremely valid reasons to hate him. Not just “he’s kind of annoying” hate or “he chews with his mouth open” hate, but like, actual justifiable loathing. The man is a pathological liar. And—this is the kicker—he stole my Nintendo Switch. I know this because he B…
