This is excellent. Maybe one of the best things you've written. It's so touching, brutally honest, insightful and heartbreaking all at once. Carer fatigue is a thing and it's legitimate. Thanks for sharing.
My brother was 28 and I was 18 when his first bipolar emergence happened. I was abroad, and I cried for over a day, only stopping for sleep. It was bad enough that my then-boyfriend took me to a doctor and I was given medication to help me stop, because I couldn't physically stop.
I thought I could take care of my brother when I returned from abroad, so I moved in with him so we could share resources while I went to college and he could get back on his feet. That only lasted until he decided he didn't need his meds. His friends at the time told me that I was crazy, that I was jealous of his happiness, and that I was not trustworthy... based on what he told them.
I moved out. He was institutionalized six months later. I never talked to them again, even to tell them how hurt I was that they didn't believe me.
I know the place where you are. Not knowing where they are, not knowing if they're harming themselves or others, not knowing how to handle the Void they represent- the UnPerson, the Unsolvable Problem. You maybe didn't feel responsible a month ago, you know, "before," because there was a thread there in the legal personhood of your father. The responsibility for the Problem was your father's, as if he were the rock that supported her... but she was Wyle E Coyote standing on a ledge that was severed from that cliff a while ago. She has been falling for a long time.
You do not have to be that ledge. She's in movement and there is velocity there. You do not have to be the anvil or the net to catch her or the rope she cannot grasp.
I hope you are able to gracefully let her go, to remain falling, and understand that you didn't push her in the first place. It's not your responsibility to accept her impact.
Leave it alone, Ernie. I'm sure you feel some sense of obligation tug at you now and then, but really, leave it alone. If she re-emerges and you have to deal with whatever that brings, so be it, but don't kick the hornet's nest. I'm not sure if we've discussed it, but I've had family with issues who I tried to help. It never failed to come back and bite me. I'd try to help and be resented for trying.
I know you've done a lot for your family over the years, but I also know from what you've shared that your sister's issues are serious and deep. You need to feel comfortable with the silence and give that hornet's nest a wide berth. Live your own life and hopefully the peace continues.
I wish I had an appropriate response to offer. Something to heal the situation. I wish your dad never eclipsed your childhood with this responsibility. I wish your sister had the opportunity to fit into the world a little more easily. I wish her illness didn’t cause you and your mom so much trauma. I wish you could just grieve right now and not worry about everything else.
I’m proud of you for recognizing this burden and how it’s affecting you; though I bristle at describing another person as such. I’m also relieved that you recognize you’re in a hard place. This is not the time to seek out chaos.
Continue to share your truth and build resilience against what is and what will be. We’ll all do our best to be there for you as you let us.
This is excellent. Maybe one of the best things you've written. It's so touching, brutally honest, insightful and heartbreaking all at once. Carer fatigue is a thing and it's legitimate. Thanks for sharing.
My brother was 28 and I was 18 when his first bipolar emergence happened. I was abroad, and I cried for over a day, only stopping for sleep. It was bad enough that my then-boyfriend took me to a doctor and I was given medication to help me stop, because I couldn't physically stop.
I thought I could take care of my brother when I returned from abroad, so I moved in with him so we could share resources while I went to college and he could get back on his feet. That only lasted until he decided he didn't need his meds. His friends at the time told me that I was crazy, that I was jealous of his happiness, and that I was not trustworthy... based on what he told them.
I moved out. He was institutionalized six months later. I never talked to them again, even to tell them how hurt I was that they didn't believe me.
I know the place where you are. Not knowing where they are, not knowing if they're harming themselves or others, not knowing how to handle the Void they represent- the UnPerson, the Unsolvable Problem. You maybe didn't feel responsible a month ago, you know, "before," because there was a thread there in the legal personhood of your father. The responsibility for the Problem was your father's, as if he were the rock that supported her... but she was Wyle E Coyote standing on a ledge that was severed from that cliff a while ago. She has been falling for a long time.
You do not have to be that ledge. She's in movement and there is velocity there. You do not have to be the anvil or the net to catch her or the rope she cannot grasp.
I hope you are able to gracefully let her go, to remain falling, and understand that you didn't push her in the first place. It's not your responsibility to accept her impact.
I hear your pain and I wish you peace.
You were so brutally honest. Thank you.
❤️
Do this if or when you feel ready- sending healing vibes
❤️❤️❤️
Hey Ernie. Just so you know: It’s Not Your Fault
Leave it alone, Ernie. I'm sure you feel some sense of obligation tug at you now and then, but really, leave it alone. If she re-emerges and you have to deal with whatever that brings, so be it, but don't kick the hornet's nest. I'm not sure if we've discussed it, but I've had family with issues who I tried to help. It never failed to come back and bite me. I'd try to help and be resented for trying.
I know you've done a lot for your family over the years, but I also know from what you've shared that your sister's issues are serious and deep. You need to feel comfortable with the silence and give that hornet's nest a wide berth. Live your own life and hopefully the peace continues.
Ernie, this is such painful and beautiful writing. Very much a truth from the land of there are no wins. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I wish I had an appropriate response to offer. Something to heal the situation. I wish your dad never eclipsed your childhood with this responsibility. I wish your sister had the opportunity to fit into the world a little more easily. I wish her illness didn’t cause you and your mom so much trauma. I wish you could just grieve right now and not worry about everything else.
I’m proud of you for recognizing this burden and how it’s affecting you; though I bristle at describing another person as such. I’m also relieved that you recognize you’re in a hard place. This is not the time to seek out chaos.
Continue to share your truth and build resilience against what is and what will be. We’ll all do our best to be there for you as you let us.