You’re Not Tired—You’re Just Addicted to Dopamine

(And Other Thoughts I Had Instead of Sleeping)

I keep telling myself I’m just not tired yet, which is funny, because my body feels like it’s been through five rounds of psychological dodgeball, and my eyes are dry in that way that means they’ve given up on blinking. But my brain? My brain is doing cartwheels in a burning library.

I’ve opened and closed Instagram five times in the past thirty minutes. Watched a series of K-pop videos on YouTube, landing on UNIS, a group of 14 to 23-year-olds singing about dopamine. “You’re not tired, you’re addicted to dopamine,” explains 14-year-old Seowon as the other X members dance in ever-shifting patterns and make aegyo faces.

(Wait. I’m not even sure if she sang it or if my brain hallucinated it. At this point, YouTube and Twitter are one long fever dream.)

And goddamn if that didn’t hit a little too clean anyway.

Because the truth is, I don’t even want to be awake right now.
My body is staging a full revolt.

But the thought of actually shutting down? Of lying there in the dark with nothing but …